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Good Music Jokes

Discussion in 'Bass Humor [DB]' started by Xribble, Feb 10, 2003.


  1. Xribble

    Xribble

    Jan 28, 2003
    Ottawa, Canada
    At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

    The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

    The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

    -----------------------------------------------

    How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
    Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

    ------------------------------------------------

    What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
    A flat minor.

    ------------------------------------------------

    What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
    A flat major.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Why was the piano invented?
    So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
    The bassoon burns longer.

    -------------------------------------------------

    How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
    Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better

    ------------------------------------------------

    How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None--they just steal somebody else's light.

    -------------------------------------------------

    What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
    "I didn't wake up this morning..."

    ------------------------------------------------

    What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
    Eventually the puppy stops whining.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
    To get away from the noise.

    --------------------------------------------------

    Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
    Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

    --------------------------------------------------

    What do do with a horn player that can't play?
    Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

    -------------------------------------------------

    What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
    Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
    (This one has to be true!!!!)

    ------------------------------------------------

    There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.



    +-----------------------------------------------

    What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
    A demented chord.

    ------------------------------------------------

    This is only for fun.......I'm a musician...and most of these jokes go for me too!!!!!

    Hope you enjoy......
     
  2. bassborg

    bassborg

    Oct 17, 2003
    La Crosse, WI
    > What do do with a horn player that can't play?
    > Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a
    > percussionist.

    If it doesn't work either, take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.
     
  3. anonymous0726

    anonymous0726 Guest

    Nov 4, 2001
    How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?


    Only two, but it's a bitch to get them into the bulb.
     
  4. Introvox

    Introvox

    May 21, 2001
    Ontario, Canada
    how many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb

    six...one to do it and 5 discussing how Steve Gadd would have done it.

    And how many singers?

    just one...and they stand there with their arm stretched high with a bulb...and they dont move...because the world revolves around singers...right?................not!

    > What do do with a horn player that can't play?
    > Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a
    > percussionist.

    > If it doesn't work either, take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.

    and finally...take away the other stick and make him a tech
     
  5. Laurence U.

    Laurence U.

    Oct 25, 2003
    London
    Whats the difference between the front and last desk of a viola section??
    A semitone
    or
    Half a measure!
     
  6. CeroFrio

    CeroFrio

    Mar 23, 2004
    What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

    The Drummer




    What does Ginger Baker and your morning coffee have in common?

    They both suck without Cream



    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ha......
     
  7. Two young women were discussing their new boyfriends.

    "So, your new boyfriend is a French-horn player. What's he like?" inquired the first gal.

    "Well, he's a great kisser," said the second, "but he sure does hold me funny."
     
  8. John Sprague

    John Sprague Sam Shen's US Distributor

    Mar 10, 2003
    Rochester, NY
    Sales Manager, CSC Products Inc.
    An antiques collector stopped in a pawn shop and saw a golden rat on a shelf. He asked the price, and the dealer said "$50, or $100 with the explanation". He takes the $50 price, and on his walk home every rat in town came out to follow him. Soon he was besieged on all sides with rats, and in a panic he ran to the bridge and threw the golden rat into the canal. All of the rats jumped in after it, and drown.

    He returned to the store, where upon the dealer asked him if he wanted the explanation. He replied "No, I want the price on that golden banjo".
     
  9. Why did the drummer leave his sticks on the dash board of his car?

    So he could park in the handicapped zone.
     
  10. go to www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes they have jokes for practically every instrument complete with a seperate page of the beloved viola jokes!
     
  11. abaguer

    abaguer

    Nov 27, 2001
    Milford, NJ
    Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    To get away from the noise. :D
     
  12. AMJBASS

    AMJBASS Supporting Member

    Jan 8, 2002
    Ontario, Canada
    Whats the difference between a Pizza and a Jazz musician? A Pizza can feed a family of 4!
     
  13. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one. He just holds the bulb in the air and drinks until the room spins.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    What do guitar solos and premature ejaculation have in common?

    You know it's coming and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    What do you throw to a drowning bass player?

    His amp.
     
  14. AMJBASS

    AMJBASS Supporting Member

    Jan 8, 2002
    Ontario, Canada
    How do you make a guitarist stop playing? Put a chart in front of him.
     
  15. abaguer

    abaguer

    Nov 27, 2001
    Milford, NJ
    Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
    A bassoon burns longer


    What good is a burning bassoon?
    You can use it to set the oboe on fire.
     
  16. Dick Them

    Dick Them

    May 8, 2004
    Barcelona, Catalonia
    Endorsing Artist : Ampeg amplifiers
    What´s the difference between a double bass and a coffin ?
    In the coffin the Dead is inside ! :)
     
  17. :D

    Twist on that:

    What´s the difference between a double bass and a coffin ?

    The coffin has the corpse on the inside. :D
     
  18. Q: What's the difference between an onion and bagpipes?
    A: Nobody cries when ya cut up bagpipes.
     
  19. Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
    A: You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.
     
  20. dar512

    dar512

    Mar 25, 2005
    Chicago, IL
    Three guys are drinking in a bar. The first guy says, "It's been a good year. I'm an accountant and I cleared 86,000 this year." The second says, "I'm a doctor and I cleared 150,000 this year." The third guy looks dejected and says, "I only made 14,000 this year." The doctor says, "No kidding? ... What kind of strings do you use?"