Great Jokes ! Great jokes!!!!!

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by 311 fan, Dec 20, 2000.

  1. 311 fan

    311 fan

    Sep 24, 2000
    La Verne, CA
    Heres somethin for all us bassists to laugh at....

    A guitar player and a drummer are walking down the street. They walk past
    this bar... well, it could happen.

    Q: What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch?
    A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

    Q: How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door?
    A: He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like

    Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
    A: Homeless!

    Q: What has three legs with an ass on top?
    A: A drum stool!

    Q: What do you call 1,695 violins at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start!

  2. FyrDogg


    Dec 21, 2000
    How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?
    The knock keeps getting louder and faster and he doesn't know when to come in.

    What's the difference between a bassist and a large pepperoni pizza?
    The pizza can feed a family of four.

    How do you get rid of a drummer at your door?
    Pay for the pizza.

    How many bassists does it take to change a light buld?

    Define confident.
    A banjo player with a pager.

    Never date a girl who plays the french horn. When you kiss her she will stick her fist up your butt.

    How do guitarists greet each other?
    "Hi, I'm better than you."

    More later...
  3. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Staff Member Supporting Member

    What kind of range can you get with a tenor sax?
    About 15 yards if you have a good arm!

    What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
    Most people don't cry when you chop up on oboe.

    What is the definition of an optimist?
    An accordian player with a beeper!

    What is the definition of a true gentleman?
    Somebody who knows how to play trombone, but doesn't!

    What is the difference between an alto sax and a buzz saw?

  4. why couldn't the bassist enter his house?
    he couldn't find the key!

    what's the difference between a limousine full of singers and a pineapple?
    with a pineapple, the pricks are on the outside!
  5. VictorLeMonteWooten


    Dec 6, 2000
    When the bass player locked his keys in the car, it took him three weeks to get the drummer out.

    Whats the Difference between a prostitute and a viola player?
    A prostitute knows more than one position

    Whats simular between lightning and a viola players middle finger?
    They both never hit the same place twice

    How do you protect a violin?
    Put it in a viola case

    What does a dead head say when he runs out of drugs?
    Damm this music sucks. - that one came from Nokie Edwards (the guitar player from the ventures) when i was talking to him, really cool guy)
  6. ~*#VJU#*~


    Dec 21, 2000
    How do you know if the stage is level...??
    The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

    How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb...??
    One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves round him.
  7. JWC

    JWC Banned

    Oct 4, 2000

    Q-What do 800 pound hampsters do
    A-Put gay guys up their butt

    Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Yeah. They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

    Why hasn't Clinton been discussing the Elian Gonzalez situation? Because the **** hit the fan the last time he told somebody where to put a Cuban.

    An old timer a Rest Home says to another patient, "Have you got a steady girl?"
    The other guy says, "No, she has Parkinson's."

  8. Deeter


    Dec 5, 2000
    San Fransico, CA
    Okay my turn: :D

    Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead clarinetist in the road?
    A: The snake might have been on his way to a gig.

    Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
    A: A viola burns longer.

    Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a guitarist?
    A: A 200-pound rottweiller.

    Q: What do you have when you've got an accordian player up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.


    A blind snake and a blind rabbit happen upon one another one day in the forest. Since they were both blind, one had no idea which species the other belonged to, so they decided to feel each others faces to figure it out. The snake took his tail and felt the rabbits face.

    "Oh, you're warm, furry, and have long ears, you must be rabbit!"

    "That's right," said the rabbit, "now it's my turn."

    The rabbit then took his furry front paw and felt around the snake's face.

    "Ewwwww, you're cold, slimey, and have no ears . . . you must be a guitarist!"
  9. VictorLeMonteWooten


    Dec 6, 2000
    whats the difference between an onion and a viola?
    no one cries when you chop up a viola

    What did a drummer get on the iq test?

    How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightball?
    16, one to screw it in and 15 that say they could do it better.
  10. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Staff Member Supporting Member

    What's the difference between a dead snake and in the road and a tromobonist in the middle of the road?

    There are skid marks leading up to the snake.

    Why are violas larger than violins?

    They're not. The violinists heads are bigger.
  11. VictorLeMonteWooten


    Dec 6, 2000
    that's a pretty good rottweiller joke. i thought i heard all of the musician jokes.

    what is a banjo good for?
    kenling for an arcordian fire.

  12. During the Gulf War, Saddam Hussein got his revenge on the world by kidnapping all the banjo players, and threatening to release them one at a time!
  13. this one's similar to the rottweiler joke, but still cracks me up:

    Q: What's red and orange and looks good on a hippie?
    A: Fire.
  14. jimstick


    Dec 8, 2000
    What do you do to help a drowning guitar player? Throw him his amp.

    How do you save a drowning guitar player? Take your foot off his head!

    How do you circumsize a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin!

    What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump? A showoff

    [Edited by jimstick on 01-10-2001 at 04:37 PM]
  15. jimstick


    Dec 8, 2000
    Okay one more,
    An old man goes in for a check up. The doctor says,well,I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and alzheimers. The old guy says, well thank god I haven't got cancer.
  16. Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...Beirherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
  17. yawnsie


    Apr 11, 2000
    A bassist is walking down the road, when he spots a lamp lying on the floor. Picking it up (as you do), he realised it was dusty, rubbed it, and, suprise surprise, a genie appeared in front of him.

    "Okay, you know the score", the genie told him, "You get three wishes. But be warned, whatever you wish for, every guitarist on the planet will get double."

    Unperturbed by this, the bassist decided to ask for a new instrument. In a puff of smoke, a top-quality new bass appeared in his hand, but his joy was short lived when he saw someone walking down the road with a new guitar in each hand.

    For his second wish, the somewhat sex-starved bassist wished for a gorgeous girl on his arm. His wish was granted, but imagine his horror when he saw someone in a Stevie Vai t-shirt with two supermodels flanking him.

    By now, our hero was becoming rather annoyed. The genie reminded him that he had one more wish.

    He stopped to think for a minute, and then answered, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
  18. Rajun Cajun

    Rajun Cajun

    Nov 2, 2000
    LOVE the hillbilly one!!
  19. Rajun Cajun

    Rajun Cajun

    Nov 2, 2000
    Heard somthing like the kideny one except he wishied he was half-dead
  20. Erich Zann

    Erich Zann

    Aug 14, 2000
    ok this isn't exactly a joke, more of a funny story. The guitarist in my band hand just gotten a new amp with a big 4x12. (he had previously been using a bass amp w/a 15' speaker) Now, he dosen't seem to know that a guitar sound that sounds good at a low volume will, when play rather loudly, make your bassists ears bleed.

    So, I told him, you've got to much high end. You know, to much eq is a bad thing. And do you know what he said to me?

    What's EQ mean?

    Funny as hell :)Almost as good as another guitarist who, when I turned myself up so I could be heard, turned himself up even more. There's just something wierd about those 6-stringers..