Has your opinion of your parents changed over the years?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by slobake, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    I hated my parents when I was a young man. My mom was a very hard, miserable person and I hated my dad for not standing up to her. They both basically ignored me as I was growing up. Sometimes I felt like a ghost.
    As I matured I started to understand some of the rough times they went through as children themselves. I won't go into it but I grew to understand the things that had shaped their lives. I made peace with my father before he died and did my best with my mom.
    Over the years I have really come to appreciate who they where. They did their best with what they had. I have a genuine love for them now but sadly they are not here for me to tell them that.
    Knowing this does help me to be the best father and grandfather that I can be. I want to love and appreciate my family now.
    What about you?
    We each have to do what is best for us. Can I recommend that you don't miss opportunities before it is too late? I guess I just did. ;)
  2. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    I went through a phase while growing up thinking my parents were jerks. I got to be an adult, then I realized I was the jerk. My parents were cool the whole time.

  3. bassinplace


    Dec 1, 2008
    My dad barely gave half of a rat's ass that I was around. My mom is a good lady, stubborn and controlling, but a good person. I have a good relationship with her. I told my dad I loved him before he passed from cancer about 20 years ago. It was good enough for me. I'm sure it was for him too.
  4. Unrepresented

    Unrepresented Something Borderline Offensive

    Jul 1, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    I have come to appreciate my father more and more as I've matured.:)
  5. tastybasslines

    tastybasslines Banned

    May 9, 2010
    Los Angeles, CA
    I was very angry at them for a long time for what they did to me and/or denied me. I'm still angry at my mom for a lot of things. But, for the most part, I've let go. Parenting is very hard. Instead I am consciously trying my best to give my daughter everything I didn't get, mostly emotional support and guidance. I think they both have good hearts though and I guess that's all I can ask for. I shudder to think that one day my daughter could feel as angry at me as I did towards my parents.
  6. pedroims


    Dec 19, 2007
    I used to have lot of fights with my dad, I do not know why, he has always been a great husband and dad, I think because we disagreed in many things, now that we both are much older we have a great relationship. I love him so much, unfortunally I can only see him once a year, however, I talk to him 1-2 times at week.

    I have always have have a very respectful-lovely relationship with my mom. To me she was , is and always gonna be one of the greatest persons on earth. Both are also great lovely grand parents, all their grand kids love them to death, specially the little ones :)

  7. TC424


    Jun 24, 2010
    Holtwood, PA
    "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Is a quote nobody can sure from whom, but some believe it was Mark Twain.

    I think most people go through a "phase" where mom and or dad are not cool, are jerks and don't know anything. Then you grow up and realize they were trying to teach you some things without you having to actually go through it.

    I will say you learn things better the hard way.

    After a few years in the military I apologized to my mom for being an a$$ when I was a teenager. I am glad I was able to do that.
  8. Unrepresented

    Unrepresented Something Borderline Offensive

    Jul 1, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    For me it was more accepting that everyone's human.
  9. bassinplace


    Dec 1, 2008
    +1. Once you mature a bit you realize your parent's weren't the perfect people that you idealized them to be. They're just people, for better or worse. That said, some people are genuine a-holes, but when it comes to parenting, I suspect that most probably aren't, at least not the great majority of the time. They're fallible humans, just like all of us.
  10. Milk


    Sep 16, 2013
    Montreal, Canada
    I never really had negative opinion of with my parents but there's been some issues. As a kid and teen i got along well with them, I never was the teen ashamed to be seen around them and we didnt really have problems. They were very permissive, and probably because of that i didnt end up doing much (they didn't mind me getting drunk as a teen as long as i was being "responsible" with it, they trusted me not to do anything stupid, and i didn't).

    Yes there was a time around early adulthood when i realised they weren't as clever as i used to think they were and my dad was a bit distant during my teen years until my mom left when i was 17 and then he tried to make up for lost time by which point it was just awkward because i kinda didn't know how to talk to him, also because my mom left he became hard to deal with for a while, which i totally understand, he needed to go through the requisite three years of pain and anger, it's just that sometimes he took it out on us (me and my brother) a little.

    I do think my mom has made terrible choice in her personal life. Actually professional too.... I understand that she didnt love my dad anymore (my dad is a genuinely good guy but kinda boring and too set in his ways....he's changed some since of course...) and i never held leaving him against her but the guys she ended up with since, all three of them, have been TERRIBLE choices and i thought my mom had better sense than this (the first was a cheesy ugly wedding singer with a criminal past and gambling addiction and was somehow too a serial cheater because middle aged housewives cant help themselves around cheesy wedding singers apparently, the second ended up becoming a alcoholic and the current one, an ex cop with good retirement money, is basically just a dick who's not very interested in having more than a fairly superficial relationship with her and barely helps her at all with anything).

    She's wasted a lot of money, and good years, trying to start businesses that obviously wouldn't work... She works hard at bettering her life, trying to get back to the financial status shes had when she was with my dad, and has for years but keeps making bad decisions... and she's getting older and there's no retirement for her in sight... I feel bad for her but also sometimes i'm frustrated at the choices she's made which should have been obvious bad ideas... I don't have problems talking to her about nearly everything though. She was more hands on that my dad, as moms tend to be, so ive always had a closer relationship, also, shes an artist too (she's been a dancing teacher and performer for 25 years though she might be retiring that now)

    Her leaving though, i realised with hindsight, was bad for my brother and me, we were having major issues in our late teens (we still do but it's our problems now), my brother was in a depression around the time she left, and my dad was not equipped to deal with our problems or help us (especially since he was dealing with my mom leaving after nearly 25 years of marriage), and it did feel a bit like my mom washed her hands off it by leaving. I learned later she had planned to leave for years (and i also think with what i know now she probably cheated on my dad) and i thinks she thought once we'd be around college age we'd leave and then she could too and instead we ended up sticking around with all those problems... Probably her leaving then was a bit selfish.

    My dad eventually met another woman and they've been together nearly fifteen years now (i get along fine with her, never had a problem with her), he's retired and while i've never been comfortable to discuss very personal things with him (i have but it doesn't come easy, unlike with my mom) I do love and respect him.

    But i have some father son issues... my parents have never told me i was a disappointment, but i find it hard to believe i'm not and it kinda taints the relationship with my dad. Like i always feels i'm sorta apologizing for the time and money spent on me as a kid and teen and what little i've done with that. If you want to make me cry in a film have some father son storyline where the son feels he didn't live up to his dad ideals (and then of course at the end they make up and stuff)... That's gonna get me going everytime... I guess that's the thing, i feel unworthy and he doesn't really do anything even to make me feel this way (well...not really anyway..theres been things). It's just how it is. I never really had a talk about this with him. I should at some point. He's not gonna be around forever.
  11. Oh, huge changes in how I view them now versus then.

    My father was a very angry, violent man. Two heart attacks have taken a little bit out of him, he's milder now. I was very afraid of him, probably until I was at least 25. Usually he just took his anger out on inanimate objects, but every now and then if I pushed the right buttons I would get hit. It wasn't often, but it was enough. Usually he would scream, slam his fists on the table, threaten, throw things, punch walls, etc. But he also had this other side that could be very kind and very loving. I didn't see that a lot growing up, but I suppose it's what my mother saw in him. The one person he NEVER raised a hand to and cherished more than anything was and is my mother. And she was not afraid of him. I hated him growing up and I suppose he didn't like me much, either. He worked a lot and that, coupled with him playing in a band every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night for years on end meant I didn't see him a whole lot from the ages of about 5 to 14.

    My mother is somewhat emotionless, at least on the outside. Don't know if she was always that way, but I remember her mostly being the even tempered one who never really appeared happy or sad, just kinda "there", and always finding solutions to problems. I love my mother but I know very little about her. She's never told me a lot about her life, other than answer question I have and usually those answers are pretty minimalist. She's extremely bright and has been a surgical nurse for a lot of her adult life. Honestly, we were never really "close", per se, and compliments or positive feedback from her was exceedingly rare. It still is.

    By the age of 18 I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from both of them as I could be.

    It was not until I was an adult, dealing with adult things, that I was able to take emotion and years of hurt out of the equation and look at them as people, rather than having the "superhero" expectation that children have of their parents. They were young when I was born, both in their early 20's. They struggled with a lot. Due to all kinds of family situations, finances, employment problems, etc, they probably had a very high level of frustration. One that a child doesn't have the ability to comprehend. Over time I realized that just like me, they are only human and subject to bad decisions and mistakes. But all kids somehow have the expectation that their parents should be perfect. They cared for us, made sure we got educations, learned to work hard, trucked us to our sporting events, music lessons, Cub Scouts, and all those good things. As a child you don't appreciate it.

    Now that I am 40, we are much closer. I'm especially close with my dad, who I've come to realize has had to bust his hump and work his fingers to the bone to get where he is. I could not have realized this when I was younger.

    A couple years ago my Dad invited me on a motorcycle trip with him. While we were in a hotel room one night, watching TV, he looked at me and said something I'll never forget. I had all I could do not to cry.

    "Jerry, you turned into the man that I always wanted to be. I just didn't know how."
  12. I blamed my parents (and God) for pretty much everything I felt was wrong in my life followed up by self pity and self loathing which led me to years of alcoholism and hate for everything and everybody around me - especially myself. By the grace of God and AA I've been sober over 30 years now. Gratitude's a big part of my life now, and a big one is being sober, present and helpful, for my dad when my mom died 10 years ago and for helping my dad, looking after him so he didn't have to go into a home (which would've killed him) up to his death 2 years ago. A big part of my life in the last 30 years has been taking responsibility for my own life - blame and self pity haven't been a part of it for close to 30 years as well.
  13. I think all kids saw their parents as A-holes at various times in their life. It's how they process those negative feelings that matters.

    I've pretty much always held my mom in very high regard, even when she pissed me off. She's a strong, strong woman.

    My dad? Well.... I love my dad.
  14. Bocete

    Bocete My E string is 36 1/4" long Supporting Member

    Sep 30, 2006
    My parents just got divorced. I moved out a while ago, my sister is living her own life too, and my parents just split. Apparently, they've been much better parents then they've been husband and wife, and only stuck together for our's sake. They've been amazing parents, but somehow they've hidden the unhappiness otherwise.

    It's strange how much our relationship changed so quickly. As soon as they 'came out' we started talking more like people, on a far more equal level. No drama by the way, they're noticeably happier now, even when spending time together with us kids.
  15. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Supporting Member

    I got along well with my parents. They did a really good job of supporting their (4) kids without either coddling or neglecting them. They supported all our activities, both sports and other interest. My dad was our scoutmaster for years; my mom worked with my sister in the local Pony club.

    When I hit college, I lived at home (4 miles from campus). My parents were darn nice about it - and I think they appreciated saving some $. They helped with college expenses but required their kids to work and generate most of the money. We got along well.

    If everyone's parents did as good a job as mine did, the world would be a better place. I feel very fortunate.
  16. bassinplace


    Dec 1, 2008
    Well, that's a two way street. Sounds like you were also a good son. Nice to see people that can get along without too much difficulty. My family gets along well, but we're also all pretty autonomous.
  17. Ziltoid

    Ziltoid I don't play bass

    Apr 10, 2009
    It's been pretty steady, they're cool.
  18. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    I love that photo
  19. fmoore200


    Mar 22, 2011
    Unfortunately my parents should not have had children (at least not with each other). They were both heavy drug users and it severely affected both me and my brother, albeit in very different ways.

    On May 20th will be the third anniversary of my mothers death, and for the year prior to her death we didn't speak because I didn't want to. She tried to reach out and I denied her attempts. There is a certain amount of guilt I feel every time I think about it.

    My father was absent most of my life.
  20. bongomania

    bongomania Gold Supporting Member Commercial User

    Oct 17, 2005
    PDX, OR
    owner, OVNIFX and OVNILabs
    My parents were actually pretty rotten people. Of course I went through the usual phase of thinking my parents were jerks; then later in life I thought I understood them better, and forgave them; but then they continued to be rotten people. So I did get to the maturing and forgiving phase, but it was wasted on them.