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having kids

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by way_of_opiatism, Mar 13, 2003.


  1. way_of_opiatism

    way_of_opiatism 28d, 6h, 42m, 12 seconds

    Feb 5, 2003
    Cobb!
    so i guess im gonna have to be fatherly now. i'm seeing a girl who has a 15 month old, but i have absolutely no clue with children. i have no brothers/sisters, i grew up with only pets. i see them and i get scared. im afraid im gonna break her if i pick her up, and i dont know how to act around her or treat her. this is a "package deal" and im totally okay and optimistic with it. just scared. i've never even changed a diaper. i need some help and advice on the early years of having children, please help the uninitiated.
     
  2. Matthew Bryson

    Matthew Bryson Guest

    Jul 30, 2001
    As a divorced father I've got a couple of things to say here. first of all: :mad:
    Everyone needs to be aware that these situations, which happen all the time, where the single mother dates a guy for awhile and he becomes a father figure to the child, then eventually they break up and he's gone - this is very very bad for the child. Some mothers will repeat this pattern over and over and it's damaging. You have no right to allow the child to bond with you unless you are marrying this woman. If the childs father is in her life in any way (hopefully) then he is the father to the child and would be very :mad: :spit: to your saying you have to be "all fatherly" to his kid. If the childs father is not in her life then you had better be extra sure that you will be able to stay a part of her life forever before you allow her to bond to you.
    If your dating a single mother and thats it, your just dating - at the most be a friend to the child.
    When single mom says she and her child are a package deal, she means she has the kid and that's that, the kid will come first and you can take her or leave her as is - she has a kid. Some times she won't be able to go out when you want to or even she wants to and she might have various obligations because she is a parent. period. She does not mean that if you want to date her you'll need to assume a parenting role for her child. If that is what she means, then she should not be raising children.
     
  3. Prime Mover

    Prime Mover

    Feb 16, 2003
    TN, USA
    No offense Creepy, but holy cow...What hit the cord? Please tell me I read you post wrong (I may also be very tired). I am a single mother, and I have dated some men. I don't think that they should assume the role of a father. I try not to let my daughter get involved, but my daughter sees other kids with daddy's and she cannot understand why she doesn't have one. Her real father is not in her life, and she states from time to time that "daddy's always leave". This comes with me living w/my sister and her husband and he is in the military, and has to leave for long periods of times. BTW...She is five and the light of my life. I am, now, being more careful, as to who I date, and I will not bring them around her. I need to protect her the best way I know how. You do have a point, though. Be a friend to the child. It is easy to get caught up in being a father. But things may not work out, keep that in mind too.

    Now to your question. Babies are not that fragile. Pick them up, hold them, get down to their level and play with them. Don't hoochir coochi coo, kids hate that crap. Play ball by rolling it on the floor to the child. Don't worry if the child gets in your way and you accidently step on him/her. Just pick them up and apologize. Children are not stupid. They observe their surrondings. Be kind and sweet to the mother and be understanding when she states that she is tired and needs to rest. Be considerater to her needs as well. Being a single parent/mother, is not easy. You will make mistakes, and don't beat yourself up when you do. Learn from them and move on. Being in a relationship when it involves children is a learning experience. Everytime is differnt. Learn and grow from the knowlege that you will gain from this.
     
  4. P. Aaron

    P. Aaron Supporting Member

    ...I have to say that Creepy is more right than wrong. Growing up in a divorced family, I experienced alot of what Creepy is saying. If a guy is going to get together with a single mother, know that the "child" comes first. And, if the (birth)parents are involved, that's an even more precarious aspect to the overall relationship.
     
  5. tuBass

    tuBass

    Dec 14, 2002
    Mesquite, Texas
    nice post Creepy. Too often today, especially with men frequently sleeping over at their date's house, children get confused of what a parent figure is. It's tough, but somebody should be sure the relationship is going to go long term before they start being a parent figure to the date's kids.

    Prime , you gave some great advice too. Sounds like you are a great mom.
     
  6. Lackey

    Lackey

    May 10, 2002
    Los Angeles
    Two words;

    snip snip
     
  7. i have to say i do agree with creepy. and with prime. to witness a man get into a single womans life, knowing it is a whole package or nothing, gain the trust of the child and mother, then walk away is gruesome. especially if the child understands what is happening and again loses "daddy". my mom was married 4 times. i watched my little sisters get attached to so many guys, and when they walked, i had to soothe the pain caused. however, when the single mom thinks she has finally found the perfect person, brings him into her childs life, and he professes to want to be daddy and talks marraige, then walks, that is hell on both. when do they know if it is going to work. if they live together, and he walks still, well, that is another trust broken. i mean, kids have feelings to. if you do NOT, sorry to yell, feel you are ready for the ready made family, being stepfather and all, just be a friend to the child. it is not fair to the child to gain tha trust and break it again and again. how people can live with themselves i do not know. my sisters were always hurting and parents would do it again and again. it sucks. take it slow, real slow. be sure. because as your walking, that kid is crying and wondering what they did wrong and why you do not love them anymore. i always had to answer that damn question. and there is not an answer.
    sorry for so long and being a little crass in this, but its the truth.
     
  8. and it happens to single dads to with children. not just men do it, women do it also.
     
  9. Johnny BoomBoom

    Johnny BoomBoom Supporting Member

    Jun 8, 2001
    Glasgow, Scotland
    Lots of good info in this post. I guess it's all giving you the mindset you need to try to get into. As an estranged father working on a divorce, I'd say tread carefully way_of_opiatism.

    You don't need to get fatherly - if the relationship works and stays together long term, you'll do fine. Be a good partner, and be a good friend for the child - they can never have too many friends.

    My situation basically involves me staying with my parents, and my son staying with his mum in the 'marital home'. A new twist appears to be that his mum's boyfriend now seem to be staying in the house too. He gets on great with my son, and seems to be stabilising my ex. This is good. I have a girlfriend as well - with whom my son gets on very well, she will never be his mum, just like my ex's boyfriend will never be his dad. Everybody knows this, and we all get along (at least in these terms) fine.

    All the bad reasons are financial, and will be dealt with in due course - like I'm still paying all the bills, mortgage etc.(and I doubt he's contributing much :mad:) I still get access to my son - not enough, but that is something to be sorted out. At the end of the day, I'm happy because he is happy - and his happines is No.1 to me.


    When you're thinking about being 'all fatherly', try to imagine how you would feel if you were the estranged father. If you imagine this I'm sure you'll do fine.


    As to diapers - hahahahahahahahahahaah! Some advice I can give you:-

    1. Take a breath before you undo the diaper, taking it afterwards does not work!
    2. Get that package - part velcro, part toxic waste into the nappy sack ASAP!
    3. Don't worry about poop, or piddle - it washes off, or use a baby wipe.....it's amazing what baby wipes clean off! (I was OK with poop and piddle, but snot really got to me......)
    4. Get that fresh diaper on ASAP.....just when you think it's safe, and the worst is over, you can end up with a warm, wet lap!:)
     
  10. This is a great post. My long distance gf has a daughter of nearly 4.she sounds so great. i am daunted by it. The father is still a big part of her life and i wanted it that way. I have spoken to the father and we get along great.

    I can see myself still with my gf in 10 years time. Just a distance problem at the moment. lol!

    :D:D

    Merls
     
  11. way_of_opiatism

    way_of_opiatism 28d, 6h, 42m, 12 seconds

    Feb 5, 2003
    Cobb!
    i have no idea about this sort of thing which is why i asked in the first place. so when does the line between being fatherly and being a friend get smeared, especially pertaining to 15 mos.? i dont want to estrange the child from the birth father but he's not exactly in her life as it is. also i find it odd that if a single mother gets into a relationship she will be the single parent in a relationship.

    also im not planning on any breakups. it seems as though you all feel that a single mother should stay a single mother and never date again in fear that break-ups will always be inevitable and that the child may grow up somehow damaged, as if the damage from single parenting was nil. .02

    im green with this so i have no idea about any of the "etiquette" involved. but i dont want to be in the situation unprepared for something, so i asked.
     
  12. tuBass

    tuBass

    Dec 14, 2002
    Mesquite, Texas
    no,no,no. You took us all wrong. Date, yes. But no becoming an instant father. Bond with the mother, but don't present yourself as a father figure to the child unless you are certain there is going to be a long term future.
    The good news is you are dealing with a 15 month old and not any older, The younger the better. The older the child in this situation, the more likely he or she is to start really getting attached to a new parent figure.
    Just remember, if you do have a future with this woman, you will have to love this child as if he/she was your own flesh and blood offspring, but at the same time realize that three is another father, if he chooses top be present, and the father's entire family, who may want that child as part of their lives too.

    It's rough, but I do respect you for asking questions, and seeking the right course. Too mant people are just interested in what they want for themselves and don't care about the feelings of others.

    Good luck,
    Mark
     
  13. Johnny BoomBoom

    Johnny BoomBoom Supporting Member

    Jun 8, 2001
    Glasgow, Scotland


    Sorry if you picked me up wrong - I certianly don't feel that a single mother should ever date again.....my ex and I had our differences, we split, but I hope she finds happines with someone else.

    I guess each of these situations are unique - the reasons to why the mum is a single mum etc. I guess none of us are necessarily prepared. Be yourself, I guess between you and your girlfriend you'll work it out - she'll keep your right. I'm sure the kid will take to you too!

    Good luck - and remember the breath before you open the diaper!;)
     
  14. Matthew Bryson

    Matthew Bryson Guest

    Jul 30, 2001
    Hey, I just looked back at my first post and all of the red anti-smilies made it seem a little harsher than intended. Damn these new smilies! ;) And maybe Prime Mover's right, your post might have touched a nerve with me. You do have every right to persue and enjoy your new relationship. There's a lot of good advise for you in this thread...the fact that you're asking the questions is a good sign, you'll be fine.

    QUOTE]Originally posted by way_of_opiatism
    ...so when does the line between being fatherly and being a friend get smeared, especially pertaining to 15 mos.? ...[/QUOTE]

    That fifteen month old will soon be a full on todler and will become more and more aware of her suroundings by the day. Also it's hard for parents to change habits and behaviour once they've been established - So I say you should behave the same way around a fifteen month old that would around a fifteen year old. As far as when do you cross the line from friend to father figure - thats very hard to answer. It is true that every case is different. All that I would ask of you is be aware and consider the child.
     
  15. Matthew Bryson

    Matthew Bryson Guest

    Jul 30, 2001
    You might have read me wrong - I think we agree on these issues. I know that I agree with everything you posted.
     
  16. no hon. i think if your single there is someone special out there for you. no matter what. we all came accross strong. some of us have been in that seat. either through our parents, people we konw, siblings that have gone through it, friends who have been there. some come from knowing from the kids angle, you know. i feel it is important for a parent to have a life. without one you become angry and depressed. it is just as important for the parent to have a partner. we are just saying to tread lightly with the little one. and the fact that you are asking questions is great. i guess we are just eager to get our opinions out on this and i really wish others would ask the questions you did before getting into a relationship and then skipping out like they do without no more than an ado to the kid and parent. like i said, women also do it to men. that has to recognised also. just beware of the little ones feelings also is what we are trying to say. with kids there is more than the adult to worry about when things go wrong. no one knows if things will go wrong, it just happens. so tread lightly, be yourself. sorry we came off that way. i truly believe there is someone out there for everybody. hope it works out for you.:D
     
  17. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member Administrator

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    this is a good post.
     
  18. way_of_opiatism

    way_of_opiatism 28d, 6h, 42m, 12 seconds

    Feb 5, 2003
    Cobb!
    yeah creepy you sounded pretty harsh but i didnt reply til i got back from work, and when i re-read it, i saw your point and not the percieved tone. lots of good advice thanks alot.
     
  19. Prime Mover

    Prime Mover

    Feb 16, 2003
    TN, USA
    You're right, I did read it wrong, as I have re-read it a couple of times. You do have good points, and I thank you for posting them. This is not about breaking up, but about someone who is willing to make this work. I wish you luck way_of_opiatism.
    Amadeus is right, things may not work out, and do tread carefully, however, you will fall in love with this child, and it is up to you to do what is right, and what will make you happy as well. Happiness begins with you, my man. Good luck and PM me if you need any advice.
     
  20. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member Administrator

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    did amadeus participate here? i didn't see that.