Help i need advice !

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by eric atkinson, Jan 6, 2002.

  1. eric atkinson

    eric atkinson "Is our children learning "Is our teachers teachin

    Feb 4, 2001
    Hey guys i know what the obvious thing would be to do but! My drummers wife is a real female dog! She is getting in the way of us practicing! But you must understand that ive been with this drummer for 10 years! And weve done so much work together and if i leave him iam just throwing all are work away. He is a awsome drummer and we work so well together. She is such a female dog that she is always in a bad mood but when we go to jamming it gets worse so he does what ever it takes for him to keep her happy! Its truly sad to see it happen. I would say he is Expletive deleted by moderator whipped but he hasnt had any of that for weeks! He said that he would think of leaving her but they have kids. I dont know what to say to him because iam scared to get into his family life but i must do somthing! I havent played bass for 20 years to let it waist away not playing! What would you guys do?:mad:

    Language! :mad:

  2. The most obviuos thing to do is probably to talk to the female in question and tell her what you think and what the music means to you or you could just kidnap her kids.:)

    I've got the same problem with the guitarist in my band. I haven't spoken to him since he stopped showing up at our practices two months ago, without even telling us why he isn't showing up. I know he wants to play, but he's got a very dominant girlfriend who I think is controlling his mind totally to keep him for her self...
    I'm planning to call him tomorrow since he didn't show up today either.:(
  3. MJB


    Mar 17, 2000
    Find a place to practice where she isn't.

    Or....find a new drummer.
  4. eric atkinson

    eric atkinson "Is our children learning "Is our teachers teachin

    Feb 4, 2001
    Dude ive been trying to find a diff place to jam but havent thought of any yet! But yeah she is driving me nuts! Anyone know a good palce to hide a body? HeHe
  5. My former singer had (and still has) a girlfriend like that. Eventually she forced him to quit the band. By the time the couple had sorted out her demanding personality, we had already replaced him!
    How important is music to your drummer. If it is as important to him as it is to you, then you should talk to his wife and explain to her that she is getting in the way of her husband's priorities. (but try to word it better than i did...)

    All I can say is, Good Luck!
  6. Boplicity

    Boplicity Supporting Member

    Are you absolutely, positively, one hundred percent certain your drummer isn't using his wife as an excuse to decrease his band activities, blaming her when it is really his own loss of interest that is the root cause?
  7. *cough* Yoko! *cough* *splutter*



    i didn't really help did i?
  8. Well, Eric, this sounds like a real problem.

    I doubt that finding a new practice place will solve anything because she'll just make it very difficult for him to attend. Some might call that sort of thing emotional blackmail. Then again, there are always 2 sides to every story. Someone needs to find out exactly why she's reacting like this, it seems to me, before a solution can be found.

    Getting involved with his family affairs is bound to lead to strife and might eventually lead to falling out with the drummer. I wouldn't see that as a possibility at all: I'd say don't do it.

    The only way for this to be resolved is for the guy and his woman to work some solution for themselves. Only he / they can decide what course to take.

    If he wants to leave his kids for music that MUST be his decision alone. Hell, he might regret that for the rest of his life, and it'd probably ruin his kids' live's too.

    One solution might be to suggest to him that he suggests to his woman that they seek some professional guidance on what is apparently a serious relationship difficulty.

    As you clearly think a good deal of this drummer you might want to wait a while for him to sort things out. After that, I guess it is you who must decide whether your music should be compromised by their problems. I suspect the drummer will understand if, at the end of day, you very reluctantly decide you need to move on.

    Does that make any sense?

    Best of luck with it.

  9. *ToNeS*


    Jan 12, 2001
    Sydney AU
    i must vehemently disagree. have you ever seen a drummer hold a baby? :p :D
  10. Well, yes *ToNeS*, you do have a good point there.....:D :eek: :D

  11. ZuluFunk

    ZuluFunk Supporting Member

    Apr 14, 2001
    Music needs to be a bit farther down the list of priorities in life below wife and kids. Even for pros. Then again, I'd put it up higher than smoking crack, hanging out in bars watching football, or playing golf.

    That's pretty much the response I give my wife..."at least I don't play golf. That's more time and more expensive." At least for me, most of my music is done primarily while my daughter is sleeping so I don't miss out on much time with her.

    Also, if it makes me happy and cleanses my soul and gives me some much needed release, I'll be a better husband and father for it.

    Before one gets married, it's usually the interesting things you do in life that helped make you attractive to your partner that are the first things you are asked to sacrifice. Ultimately, if you do, she'll leave you because "All you do is sit around the house!"
  12. Turock

    Turock Supporting Member

    Apr 30, 2000
  13. mikemulcahy


    Jun 13, 2000
    The Abyss
    I know it sucks Eric, but no band is worth losing my family over. You may need to start looking.

  14. Yea - let him sort out his problems. Its really no buisness of yours ...

    Take your experience and start to look else where if things don't get better soon. No sense waisting your time with their problems.

    Plus, good drummers are a dime a dozen ... *caugh, caugh* ... excuse me, something was caught in my throat.

    Serously, lifes too short and valuable to be waisting time ....
  15. Chasarms

    Chasarms Casual Observer

    May 24, 2001
    Bettendorf, IA USA
    It is absolutely true that the priority should be family and then the band.

    First, you should settle into a long heart-to-heart with him about where the band is and why you think things are falling apart.

    As his friend, you should do all you can to help him for the sake of him and his children.

    That being said, you simply have to decide, along with the rest of your bandmates, your priorities. You know where you want to go. You have some idea of what it takes to get there. So, know all you have to decide if he is worth waiting on. That is completely up to you and your bandmates.

    I have dealt with countless circumstances being in bands. Girls, drugs, booze, etc. I was even left behind once because I wasn't willing to quit college. That is nature of human relationships.

  16. eric atkinson

    eric atkinson "Is our children learning "Is our teachers teachin

    Feb 4, 2001
    The thing that really sucks is he met this girl along time ago when we were doing really well and doing small tours. And she was so cool with it then. No we are talking about doing smaller tour things locally and recording! So i dint see what the problem is now! She also suffers from very bad depression. In the last year she has really flipped out and yes she is on meds! I am going to talk to him this week as soon as i see him so we can try to work this out. So wish me all the luck. I didnt relize there was so many of you that had this same problem. Iam just glad my wife is cool with me playing. I told her the day we met that if at any time she tried to stand in my way of music that i would leave her. I told her that it wasnt that music was more importnat than her but it was the fact that if she stood in my way of the thing that i love so much that she would not respect me and love me!
    thats worked so far! Thanks for the help and i will update you guys with this!