Help! My time with my band has ended. Love is the main character here.

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Berme, Apr 9, 2012.

  1. Berme


    May 11, 2001
    I feel my time with my band has ended. Love is the main character and culprit here.

    - Sorry, it's a looong post, but all this writing is necessary, for me at least -

    My band includes two brothers, guitarist and drummer. I've been friends with them since the 90's, living in our same little town in the southeast of Spain. The singer is from a near town.

    In those years I already played bass, and felt very happy when i joined the band as a bassist and started playing "our great own music", without excessive tensions and maturing fast in composition and playing in a band.

    In addition to the music affinity and loving to being in a band, i was in love for the first time... and with the sister of my friends. It was 1999. So, staying near her with the band was another incentive for me to keep this intense way of life. Sadly, nothing serious happenend at those times, music- and love- wise.

    We all went to university and finished it. We all started working in far apart cities. I started a relation with a girl (for 3 years) and she another one with a boy (for 6 years). The band had been a little on hiatus those years, but around 2011 we had a lot good songs, and great equipments. :rollno:

    So, in july-august of 2011 this girl and I were single and started a relation. I was 29 and she 27. Everything ok with his brothers, and I was more and more in love with her, and I really thought she felt in a similar way. :rolleyes:

    She finished the relation in the last days of october, abruptly, and in a completely unexpected way for everyone (me and her family): no previous arguments, no cooling of the relation, no nothing.

    I felt very very sad those months, cried in my bed at nights, and did a lot of phoning and begging (not that I like it, but sometimes we just can't avoid it). I really needed to leave the band at this moment, I don't really know why, but I achieved to keep playing gigs as always, and we even recorded our first demo.

    I've been recovering all these months, I've coincided with her at bars with no problems, though we really do not dialogue at all, just stupid chating. I've tried forgetting her, I've flirted with other girls, as we men usually do in these circumstances, but i'm still in love with her.

    Till now, everything was going "normal", BUT something happened yersterday. The drummer (his brother) went to my house, checked his email in my PC, and when he went home he left his email opened.

    I know I did wrong here, but I looked at it. Remember, I'm still in love with her sister, I just couldn't elude it. I looked for any email between she and her brother, and found this one, between she and her two brothers, date 5of March of 2012 (translation):

    "Hello brothers!!
    Lately, because of work, weddings [I](the drummer will get married in a month)
    , the band, etc... we are not talking too much, so I'm gonna tell you the current status of my life.

    I'm starting something with a boy... It is something serious this time (what! :eek:), and maybe because of this, I've taken this long in telling you...

    We started the flirting on December ... You know the boy, because I lost my mind for him some time ago. He is the one from (spanish city).Everything started in August (this is the whole point, as I started the relation with her in July-August). He re-contacted me after months without knowing anything from each other. Since he had a girlfriend, I retired.
    We've been talking more little by little. He left his girlfriend. I was not the culprit, but maybe I influenced somehow. They were very bad since a long time and he was struck by me since he knew me.
    Once his relation was broken, we started talking frequently and on 29 of January he told me what he felt for me...
    Everything has been like a romantic movie.
    I have told nothing because this thing is really important for me, and I didn't want external factors. I'm completely in love with him... and he with with me.
    It's still soon to say it, and knowing my heart's situation I also don't want to precipitate, but I think this is serious. I have a terrible fear to suffering and it's being hard to start a game with my heart again ...but I've never felt this way, I would say that neither with (his six year ex-boyfriend name).We've seen each other the last two weekends; only hours, and everything is magnificient...

    I don't want to announce it away, firstly because I don't want people to know by the moment, and secondly because I want to enjoy this calmly. Please keep the secret, I'm telling you because I feel bad for you not knowin it...


    Her brothers' answers were:

    - "So, will we be one more in the main wedding table?"
    - "No, not one more at all! This is going with tranquility"

    - "That's very good. But who is he? The one from (spanish city) with his girlfriend hating you or the one from the library?"

    Imagine how I feel now, knowing what I really meant to her, and all her beautiful story. So, I really have the need to leave this music band, even givin up up my friendship with all three brothers. At least for a long time.

    I want to do things correctly, in a classy way, but I really don't know what to do. It will be hard to look at their faces. What should I do?
  2. My lord... its like a movie.
    I think you need to get as far away from them as possible. BUT, before that, do one last check with the woman and see what is going on there. IF she says "no mas" to you, then that's it. I don't understand what made her break it off.
  3. Berme


    May 11, 2001
    Thanks for your answer. I guess she was already in love with this new guy at that time... ???

    I never thought I was gonna use Talkbass for these matters... :scowl:
  4. sandmangeck


    Jul 2, 2007
    Wait. So you were dating The drummers sister. Things ended. Then the sister emails her brother, you read it, and are upset now?
  5. Berme


    May 11, 2001
    Haha. Kind of. That's it, more or less.
  6. lankyloo

    lankyloo Guest

    Jul 11, 2011
    That's tough man. Really feel for you. Sounds like the band would just be keeping these old wounds open, and you need for them to heal. Wish you the best of luck, and you might want to look into joining another band, this time with no sisters involved!
  7. pudgychef

    pudgychef In Memoriam

    Jan 22, 2005
    Chongqing, China
    walk away - not to be a jerk - but your original post sounds like (one least some level) you were still pining for her from your first crush (pre-university etc.)

    You need to get her out of your system entirely....start a new exercise regime...start a new band - take up stamp collecting - anything in a different path....

    of course *** do I know, imho, ymmv etc :)
  8. lfmn16

    lfmn16 Inactive

    Sep 21, 2011
    charles town, wv
    I thought I signed on to Dear Abby by mistake. :D

    To the OP, sorry but time to man up. From your post it sounds like the relationship was mostly in your head. We all get our hearts broken, the measure of a man is how you respond. The best revenge is living happy.
  9. The band should be separate from the relationship from the girl. Even if you quit the band, it will hard. So if the music and band are good, I am not sure why you would not continue. Time heals all wounds (or so they say...).
  10. DaDrew2112

    DaDrew2112 Guest

    Apr 7, 2011
    ouch dude that sucks. gtfo cuz that band isn't going to help you heal.
  11. RustyAxe


    Jul 8, 2008
    Band management? Really? You thought that this was the place to post that soap opera? :rollno:
  12. tycobb73


    Jul 23, 2006
    Grand Rapids MI
    Paging Maki....
  13. DGbass70


    Jun 1, 2005
    Rochester N.Y.
    Stay away from all of and of course the girl.

    Find a different band and try to stay away from the mutual friends circle,the brothers knew about it all along and they did not tell you (for obvious reason but)that tells you how loyal they are to you.
  14. cchorney

    cchorney Supporting Member

    Oct 21, 2010
    Meriden, CT

    Bad emotional entanglements happen. Cut your losses and move on.
  15. hernameisrio

    hernameisrio Guest

    Sep 27, 2011
    Berkeley, CA
    I thought I'd accidentally ended up on Livejournal for a minute there...
  16. lowfreq33

    lowfreq33 Guest

    Jan 27, 2010
    Endorsing Artist: Genz Benz Amplification
    You're 30 years old and carrying on like this?
  17. Age has nothing to do with these things.
    While I'm not sure what the OP expects from posting this here, your response is certainly insensitive.
  18. Stumbo

    Stumbo Guest

    Feb 11, 2008
    After being with her other boyfriend for six years, maybe she is afraid of commitment everything was moving too fast for her.

    Or, maybe she just figured out that she didn't love you as much as you loved her and with you wanting to be with her so much, she felt smothered?

    If you're still crying and depressed, possibly some personal counseling might help.

    I thinks it is certainly a loss for you but leaving your girlfriend of 3 years and rekindling a previous relationship seems to point to a certain lack of commitment on your part.

    Good luck.
  19. Berme


    May 11, 2001
    I just told the guys that I'll be leaving the band in June, after completing all the scheduled gigs.

    Thanks for your sincerity and emphaty. ;)
  20. lowfreq33

    lowfreq33 Guest

    Jan 27, 2010
    Endorsing Artist: Genz Benz Amplification
    I don't mean to be insensitive, it just seems like a little tough love is in order. Love is a wonderful thing, but if it isn't being reciprocated it's time to let it go. Life's too short to sit around crying about what could've been.