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help please, serious problem

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Yossarian, Sep 4, 2004.

  1. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    Okay... so here's the story. My girlfriend's brother is crazy. And by crazy, i mean literally crazy. Not sane. Tonight, something happens (I'm not sure what, random things just set him off, she didn't mention specifically what happened) and he's chasing after her, and he hits her, and he's done this before, so she screams and some neighbors call the cops and they arrest him. But apparently he's free to go tonight, and he just can't come back to their house for 72 hours. Her mom has some kind of "cant betray her son" complex and just refuses to do anything about this... and he's 18 by the way.

    So she's scared about what's going to happen after 72 hours... or even before... because he'll think it's her fault that he got arrested, and he's not rational. I'm talking to her and she's so upset... she's almost crying (she doesnt cry. so that's a big deal) and I'm thinking maybe she can get a restraining order or something...

    I know talkbass is a weird place to ask about this, but neither of us have any idea what to do or who to even talk to for some advice. She's really scared... it seems like there should be something somebody can do. Does anybody know what can be done, or who she can talk to for help?
  2. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    Any judge in the US will give her a temporary restraining order until the matter can be sorted out. All she has to do is call the cops and request it. There are also public and private agencies that specialize in "battered women", usually those are wives but there's no reason they can't be sisters. Those would be the first two resources I'd check.

    Is your girlfriend of age? If so, my advice to her would be "move out", at the earliest possible opportunity. That sounds like a bad family situation. If she's not of age, you'll have to be a little careful, 'cause she could become a ward of the court if she complains too loud. You probably don't want that either. If she's of age, there's nothing Mom or her bro can do but accept the restraint. If she's not, Mom can try to fight it.
  3. Adam Barkley

    Adam Barkley Mayday!

    Aug 26, 2003
    Jackson, MS
    Advise her to cut ties with him. Have her tell him face to face, and be present in case he "snaps". If he tries to take a swing, convince* him that hitting her (or any girl) is never an option.

    *Beat the crap out of him. Mother be damned.

    Also, possibly see about a therapy program he could enter to get help.
  4. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    sorry I should have specified that. she's 15. As for beating the crap out of him... I'd love to be able to do that for her, but I would not win that fight. Even a little. But it seems to me since he's 18 and she's 15 it should be more of big deal to the police that he's hit her, but they don't seem to care much. She told them, and they were sort of like "we'll do what we can."

    The temporary restraining order though... i thought the 72 hours thing was a temporary restraining order. Can she get a longer one? And can it be done IMMEDIATELY or would there be all kinds of paperwork and bureaucratic crap?
  5. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    oh yeah... and part of the problem is that he doesnt think anything is wrong. He thinks all is well. They tried to get him to go to a therapist a while ago, and he refused. he'd just get up and leave. So basically, he's not going to do anything willingly. He has to be forced.
  6. JTbass


    Jul 2, 2004
    Asutin TX
    does her brother live with her and her mom? if he cant go back to the house for 72 hours, where is he going to go? is he on his own or what? is he employed?
  7. Don't_Fret

    Don't_Fret Justin Schornstein

    Dec 10, 2003
    I'd say first of all let her stay with you so that she's not in danger while you guys sort this out.
  8. Let her stay with you or one of her relatives.
  9. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    he lives with them. they're in the process of moving into a new house right now, and he's been at the old one, so TECHNICALLY he hasnt been living with them for about a week, but he basically does. He's not employed. As for where he's going to go, I dont know. He's rather incompetent, he cant do things on his own... she thinks he'll try to stay with her other brother who lives near here.

    She's hoping that her other brother won't let him stay there and that he will be forced to try and come home, since he is incompetent and irrational, and then he will get arrested for real and put in jail. Which is what the police told her would happen if he came back before 72 hours.
  10. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    I also mentioned her staying somewhere else... she didn't seem to enthused. I think she's talking to her mom right now, im supposed to call her in half an hour. Hopefully she's trying to get the restraining order, that seemed like the best option to me.

    Again, can you get a restraining order immediately? As in... within a 48 hour period? and do you need any parental anything if you are underage?
  11. Vince S.

    Vince S. Resident Former Bassist

    Jan 24, 2003
    I think the best course of action right now, like the others mentioned, is to have her stay with you or a trusted relative or friend. If she can't do that, have her call the police and tell them of the current situation, and that she is scared. Hopefully they will do patrol checks on the residence.

    I'm surprised that he was released. Was it her mother that bailed him out? Usually in domestic violence cases (here in CT anyway), they keep the offender in custody until they are arraigned the next day.

    If she wants to get a restraining order, I believe she can without parental consent. These are issued in civil courts, and no domestic violence needs to occur to obtain one.

    If she really wanted to, she could possibly press charges. Though he most likely wouldn't go to prison, the court would probably issue a protective order. These are issued in domestic violence cases, and violation of the order is a felony.

    I'm not sure of the laws where you live, but hopefully its the same as what I described.

    Anyway, good luck to your girlfriend and yourself. Be safe.

  12. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    Sounds like you need some legal advice. This stuff is different for every state. Best bet, call the battered women people. Make sure it's a private one, not a government agency. Government "funded" is okay though (most of them are). Don't know where you're located, but you could try searching Google, or look in the phone book. Also a rape crisis counseling center can probably refer you to someone that can help.
  13. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
  14. Where is the mom while all this happens?
    And why isn't he in some sort or treatment thing?
  15. Yossarian


    Jun 24, 2004
    Good news! He solved the problem for her. He got released I guess, and he came back. She called the police. They hauled him off. She says he'll be there until tuesday at least and that her mom wants them to get him psychiatrically evaluated, which, as far as I know, should lead to him being deemed "not fit for society." Plus he yelled at the cops. Probably doesn't help. I have a feeling if he's locked up until tuesday, he will do something stupid enough in that time to make it longer.

    Thanks SO MUCH everybody! Especially nonsqtr, I was looking for sites like that and the ncdsv.org one was the only one i found. I called her back and she still sounded all shaken up but she said she was really glad something was finally happening, and he's not going to be around anymore. If he does get out without psychiatric problems or behavior problems, her mom told her she wont let him come back, and she'll get some kind of restraining order. And he should probably get it now that if he comes back she'll call the cops.

    *huge sigh of relief*

    thanks again, everyone
  16. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    Well, glad it worked out, at least in the short term.

    Longer term, there are other things to consider. Being abused by a family member often relates to longer term psychological stress, and it might help to have your girlfriend talk to a counselor. "Informally" is probably a good thing, and preferably a woman. There are "many" people in similar situations, and the support groups are an excellent resource, if only to share one's feelings, or even just to listen and understand that one isn't alone.

    Best wishes to you and your friend.
  17. Aaron Saunders

    Aaron Saunders

    Apr 27, 2002
    BIG +1 here.

    Looks like I saw this topic a little late, but thankfully, it's the great kind of late. Good to know things worked out well, she's a lucky one (both for her mom to finally get off her duff, and to have someone like you that really cares for her) -- a lot of people aren't that...lucky? Blessed? However way you look at it. Good.
  18. Sonorous


    Oct 1, 2003
    Denton, TX
    I've always wondered how girls can be ignorant enough to get involved with crap like this.
  19. Adam Barkley

    Adam Barkley Mayday!

    Aug 26, 2003
    Jackson, MS
    :confused: I don't understand your post.
  20. kserg


    Feb 20, 2004
    London, UK
    If he is moving out... If he gets off and will be able to come back... get your girl to stay with you or relatives as people say until he moves out...

    If all fails...
    Where you live? Maybe I can be your safety and talk to him nicely if you know what I mean... I am not small... I am passive too :D

    Can’t stand people like that… beating a minor girl… what a great guy.