RULES FOR ENTERING TEXAS... The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas: 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. 4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. 11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age. 12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices~salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce. 14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon. 16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards-it spooks the fish. 18. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. 19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, " Don't Mess With Texas". 20. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman,and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. 21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas"