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help! tongue stuck in cheek (warning: sense of humor req'd)

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by notduane, Feb 7, 2003.


  1. notduane

    notduane

    Nov 24, 2000
    Location
    RULES FOR ENTERING TEXAS...

    The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:

    1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

    2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.'
    I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter
    how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
    your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

    3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what
    they smell like to you. They smell like money to us.
    Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and
    west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

    4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're
    real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar
    cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

    5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's
    called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

    6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
    nine years old. Yeah,we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.

    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves
    are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand.
    You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at
    the time.

    8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You really
    want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner
    bait shop.

    9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
    It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to
    the first of November.

    10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about
    our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

    11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone
    regardless of age.

    12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
    Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
    Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
    and turkey.

    13. When we fill out a table there are three main
    dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use
    three spices~salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

    14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be
    brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You
    bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a
    tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or
    pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she
    better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck,
    and have long hair.

    15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass
    with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long
    spoon.

    16. High School Football is as important here as the
    Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

    17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the
    water hazards-it spooks the fish.

    18. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta
    there with an education and a love for God and
    country, and they still wave at passing pickups
    when they come home for the holidays.

    19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force
    than any other state, so, " Don't Mess With Texas".

    20. Our military is only used as a back up. Per
    capita, each man, woman,and child owns at least
    two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified
    Shooter Education Course.

    21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston
    once said, "Texas can make it without the United States,
    but the United States can't make it without Texas"
     
  2. what the hell is a texas?
     
  3. DanGouge

    DanGouge

    May 25, 2000
    Canada!
    I think it's some place north of Mexico...
     
  4. I've seen those for Wisconsin as well.
     
  5. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
    So GWB is the Texan's revenge for loosing their independence? :D
     
  6. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    Mexico
    is this Texas some kind of amusement park?
     
  7. rickbass

    rickbass Supporting Member

    Great stuff, ND!!! (some real truth in there, too).

    Another I always liked was -

    Translate this message - "AhmfrumchewstintaxesenAhmthawlbidniz."

    (Translation - "I from Houston, Texas and I'm in the oil business")

    Can you still get a single 16oz. beer at a drive-thru liquor store during rush hour in Arlington/Dallas ?

    Does a Rob Allen fit in a gun rack ?
     
  8. ..for the sadists.
     
  9. notduane

    notduane

    Nov 24, 2000
    Location
    Last time I checked - sho'nuff :D .

    Course, I stopped drinkin' many moons ago...you get
    a 200+ pound psycho blonde heifer comin' at ya' with
    a pick axe, the suds'll only slow ya' down :p.
    wowsers! :eek: that'd combine three o' mah fave-or-ites ;)...

    huntin'

    funkin'

    and fightin' (beatin' tha tar outta whatever punk that wants ta' play f3i7dy on my R/A's)
     
  10. Some quick Texas grammar:

    Y'all - Singular
    All Y'all - Plural
    All Y'alls - Plural Possesive.
     
  11. jasonbraatz

    jasonbraatz

    Oct 18, 2000
    Oakland, CA

    :D so true!
     
  12. Jeremy_X

    Jeremy_X

    Jan 29, 2002
    I suddenly like the place I live.
     
  13. Brendan

    Brendan

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Texas? I got one word for you: Alaska. We're twice as big, twice as leathery, and put out more oil than you can dream of. And we probably have just as many raving psychotics, if not a few more...

    Who's yer daddy?

    :D
     
  14. i like texas now.:cool:
    mmm...steak and guns....
     
  15. Its a ride at Disney World.
    Pretty cool, kind of old school but still nice to look at, I think the ride is called "Pirates of Texas"
    or "Texan Family Robinson"
    One of the two.
     
  16. PollyBass

    PollyBass ******

    Jun 25, 2001
    Shreveport, LA
    I was born in Texas. i still don't talk like a dumbas..... i mean, with a draw. Texas talks big, does absolutly nothing. thanks for providing everyone else with beef and oil though.;)
     
  17. pmkelly

    pmkelly

    Nov 28, 2000
    Kansas City, MO
    guns, steaks, and bass.... and a mention of my beloved Marine Corps... this could be my favorite thread ever!


    oh wait, it's about texas... oh well, it mentions guns, steaks, basses and the Corps!


    P@



    :D
     
  18. DanGouge

    DanGouge

    May 25, 2000
    Canada!
    Maybe the state motto could be "Texas: Beef and Oil"
     
  19. PollyBass

    PollyBass ******

    Jun 25, 2001
    Shreveport, LA
    Dude, i'm so digging this.
     
  20. temp5897

    temp5897 Guest

    PollyBass PollyBass PollyBass...I just saw your avatar change. You go from Tetsuo to...well you know.

    Oh how the mighty have fallen.