Here's some funny stuff for you all!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Slaphappy, Nov 8, 2002.

  1. I've got this up at the FDP, but I thought it would be cool to share it here, too. Enjoy!

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his
    sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
    what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
    children" --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
    that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

    4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
    just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

    5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
    but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
    night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

    6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
    blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

    7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
    life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
    there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

    8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn

    9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
    like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
    you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
    they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

    10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
    and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
    to swim." --Paula Poundstone

    11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
    than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan

    12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
    burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda

    13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
    'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

    14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
    dead." --Johnny Carson

    15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul

    16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
    that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

    17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
    to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
    logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

    18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar

    19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
    But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

    20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
    can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

    21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
    genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

    22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
    time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

    23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

    24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
    that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave

    25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
    --Unknown, presumed deceased
  2. kirbywrx

    kirbywrx formerly James Hetfield

    Jul 27, 2000
    Melbourne, Australia.

    What a way to start the day :D