How can you not let this situation mess with you?

Don't do business with liars.

 

He's using you and has no loyalty to anyone but his situation, from the sound of it. You might tolerate such behavior once in a blue moon, but when it's a pattern like this, it's unacceptable. He clearly has a different bass player he likes to use, and you are in second, or third position. But to offer you gigs, have you accept, and then bail on you is unacceptable. What if you did that to them? How would they react? They wouldn't like it. Therefore, once they have committed to you, they need to follow through.

I mentioned offer and acceptance in another thread. Although usually pretty unenforceable, even a verbal offer, an offer followed by an acceptance forms a legal contract. For me, I use it as a minimum moral standard for following through on promises. If I offer, and the person accepts, then we have an agreement and am morally bound to honor it. If I can't follow through, there is an honest convo about it, but rarely do I ever not follow through. I think it's probably happened once in 5-10 years. I think the circumstances would have had to be where I booked two guys for the same gig (2 keyboard players, for example) by accident and had to cancel one.

If I were you, I'd have a frank conversation with the guy. Let him know that you're getting weary of always being asked to do stuff, agreeing, and then being cut out of the gig. Cite the pattern -- patterns get you everywhere in crucial conversations like this. See if there is a reasonable explanation from him. There probably isn't but give the benefit of the doubt at first so you are justified in being firmer later in the convo. If he won't be held accountable, or gives an airy-fairy reason to make the moment go away, I'd cite specific gigs to find out what the heck happened. Eventually you'll probably get an unacceptable answer about why this happens. Hold him accountable.

After the unacceptable answer, let him know that next time he offers, and you agree, that it better be a firm gig if you want the relationship to continue. Also, cite the number of gigs you've thrown his way -- if he wants that to continue, then you need to see more respect for your time and more seriousness given to offers you accept. Ask him how he'd feel if you accepted a gig and then kept bailing x% of the time. He wouldn't like it, so ask him not to do the same to you.

 

This doesn’t even go far enough.

Take steps to remove them from your environment.

 

Sounds like he's using you as insurance. The only way I would take a gig from him is money up front , non-refundable.

 

I’d just ignore him from now on. I wouldn't waste any energy in discussion or problem solving. He no longer exists.

 

An excellent idea.

 

And the answer was inside of you all along...

 

You don't have to let it mess with you, just don't work with this guy.

 

Ive had this sort of thing happen alot...and it happened not long ago when I hooked up with a drummer in an attempt to start a tribute band. Hes a great guy, great drummer, but too flakey. I would ignore the dude if it was me. If I saw him out and about I would be nice and personable, but wouldnt take any of his calls anymore. Sounds like the guy either is a total butt on purpose or is wishy-washy and cant fully commit and then defaults to the people he works with most.

 

if it's a casual relationship with no strings attached, that type of behaviour gets only one chance with me at this point in my life. I wasn't always like that, but as I've gotten older, I've become less tolerant of that kind of thing.
Also, becomes a bit more complicated if it's family, long term friends or business associates but in this case...one strike and yer out!

 

Flake alert. Next time he contacts you just tell him no thanks, not available.

 

Ask for a deposit before you agree to the gig. Non refundable. My wife works doing makeup work for weddings and such. She will get a a bride and 3 brides maids gig only to get cancelled last minute. She now takes half upfront so even if they cancel she makes $. Only way to not get f'ed around.

 

“Flake alert... just say no thanks. Not available.”

This. That way, you can choose to become “available” should you ever want to be.

I had to check your location when l saw this post... but no, probably not the same kb player I’m thinking of.

 

This sort of thing is why I don’t do sub/fill in gigs. I have too much on my plate family and job wise for me to be scheduling gigs only to be told later on that I’m not needed. I would stop entertaining gig offers from this person completely

 

First of all, you are right to feel messed with. You are also correct that the status quo can't continue. When you engage the services of someone to play a gig, you DON'T drop them because a preferred musician becomes available. Some folks will say -with good reason- that you should drop him now, but for me, next steps would entirely depend upon how much $ is on the line.

I'm never surprised when I've found that folks will get away with what they can get away with. It's just the nature of folks who lack a moral center. Some people will never change or bend and those people can be cut out of your musical life, but if you set your boundaries correctly, many formerly flawed relationships can at least be made functionally fair to both parties.

The practical end of this is...

-If there's good money to be had, I'd email him a list of the 6 specific dates from which you've been replaced or dropped at the last minute. I wouldn't challenge him on his lies about the "canceled" thing as that's not going to get you anywhere. I'd just list 6 dates that you "know" you were asked to do and then were done without you. Let him know that you only want to be called for gigs where he's actually going to use you. If he can't agree to that, drop him and don't go back. If he agrees but screws up again drop him and don't go back.

-If there isn't good money to be had drop him and don't look back.

 

How can you not let this situation mess with you?
attenuate both the appearance and the reality of your eagerness. that part belongs to you. you've made yourself available for the treatment about which you complain. you may need to alter your perspective when dealing with folks who have a different agenda than your own.

that said: if you're looking for more gigging opportunities (his included) you have to be forthright re: your limits and boundaries. if you want to get him "out of your head" = educate him about you (requires communication).

the binary thinking of previous posters (all or none, either/or, accept or move on) is lame and it doesn't take into account that there are plenty of options which depend on communication...even with the narcissist KB player...which you are probably capable of.

good luck communicating with another human being about your limits and boundaries!

 

Drop him, he's a flake. I had a similar issue with a KB player also.
Life is too short to deal with idiots.

 

What's a KB player?

And...Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.