How do you cope with the huge ego type of THAT bandmate...

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by Avezzano, Nov 28, 2022.

  1. Sometimes in the band there is THAT guy that: "I know better... you do this... no: you're supposed to do that way, instead... listen to me..."

    I am a super patient type of person: love the humour approach, prefer to speak instead than fighting, or demonstrate my point in some way etc. But sometimes all you have to do is either quit or "invite" the guy to leave...

  2. Long story short, I left the band. "That" person lives just down the street from us, our wives and kids are friends. He's a good guy to hang out with but not someone I could work with. So I took the "high" road and just announced my exit date to cover gigs we had at the time, just said I had my reasons and would rather quit than have arguments and hurt feelings.

    Tough call but more important to keep that neighborhood friendship than a band. To me anyway.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2022
  3. Killing Floor

    Killing Floor Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2020
    Austin, TX
    If “that guy” is Lizzo, congrats! Hang on and enjoy the ride. If “that guy” is playing an occasional underpaid or under-attended bar or party gig as a hobby then there’s a limit to how much muck you ought to wade through.

    Maybe your situation is somewhere between the two? So grab some beers and have the conversation. If that guy isn’t paying you for your time that guy is not your boss. No need to be nasty about it but have the conversation and advocate for your own interests, they are.
  4. No, thanks: for me no current "hot" situations. I was just remembering past episodes; currently I rarely gig anymore. Actually I am garage playing with two old friends my age (66) that have... serious problems in keeping the right time! And the... nasty guy actually is me (or sort of) but we're too old to fight. We always end up in a loud laugh!
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2022
    Nunovsky, GregC, GHOST AT and 3 others like this.
  5. Levent


    Oct 26, 2022
    If you are very sure of your side of the story, ask his view in a simplified way that will prove he is wrong while explaining and create the "uhh.." moment. After a few times they eighter respect your info or call you smartass and quit themselves.:thumbsup:
    Avezzano likes this.
  6. Thanks, bud. As I explained above, no issues for me. Just remembering past stuff. Anyway, most times demonstrate only one episode (even several, actually) does not work. It's a matter of personal character, educational background. Things like these...
  7. ...thread started just to listen to some stories, to offer to the other fellow bassplayers a place to vent or to make together a good laugh!!!!
  8. Gravedigger Dav

    Gravedigger Dav Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2014
    Springtown, Texas
    Well done.
  9. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Inactive

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    It only depends on one thing. How desperate are you?

    If your market is such that there are plenty of bass players and not very many gigs, you simply deal with it.

    If bass players are rare, and they need you worse than you need them, you have "the talk". You tell the person you don't allow people to talk to you that way. Simple as that. If the "ego" blows up, either they'll get rid of him or get rid of you.
  10. mongo2


    Feb 17, 2008
    Da Shaw
    After it became too much for everyone else in the group we simply fired "that guy"

    Another time we simply disbanded and then reformed just in time for the next rehearsal but minus "that guy".
  11. 2112

    2112 Supporting Member

    Apr 30, 2005
    Lolol a covers/originals project I was in about 20 years ago did the same thing. The keyboard/lead vocalist/BL was an insufferable twit... so we disbanded and the guitarist, drummer, and I reformed into another band the very next day lol.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2022
  12. MrLenny1


    Jan 17, 2009
    New England
    I left the band. The BL was totally dominate and it
    hurt the band all around.
  13. QweziRider

    QweziRider Supporting Member

    Sep 15, 2008
    Northern Nevada, U.S.
    Depends on the level of the band. Local bar band? I've seen it only once and said "The hell with that" once it reared its ugly head.

    A different level of various acts I've worked with? I've been both fortunate enough to not see that behaviour out of the acts and know well enough to just deliver what they're asking - along with anticipating what they want.
    Avezzano and JRA like this.
  14. JeezyMcNuggles

    JeezyMcNuggles Supporting Member

    Feb 23, 2018
    Santa Maria, CA
    I suck, but nobody really notices
    Guitar player is like that. You either let things roll off, and go with it. Or, you fight about it. Which never goes well.
    Avezzano likes this.
  15. smurfco

    smurfco Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 16, 2007
    Norwalk, CT
    Was that person right?

    I left my most recent band because I got tired of being the only person that actually knew the material, despite weekly rehearsals. I am sure the other guys in the band thought of me as "that guy" who was constantly saying play it like this, play it like that - but that's only because they refused to learn the songs and I had to tell them the same things over and over again. After a while it became clear that they either couldn't or wouldn't learn the material so I left. My other bands are far more democratic because everyone does their homework and shows up prepared.

    Not saying that is your situation, but sometimes someone is telling everyone else what to do because no one else has their s___ together.
  16. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Gold Supporting Member

    in real life:
    i deal with "that guy" whenever there are real issues, without much reservation or hesitation --- i always try humor first, if it's possible to do so, and i'm always hopeful that it will end there as well. although i don't suffer fools (as a style or a personality type) i luckily have a fairly high level of 'toleration' for the tools among us. :D

    IME, "that guy" has always been fired, sooner or later, by responsible BLs...or he/she quit themselves. ;) i've never quit a band because of a "that guy" issue, but i've fired a couple of them as a BL. in my world history: i'm sure we were a little more tolerant, at times, just because we all depended on each other for our living.

    on TB:
    here, i think "that guy" usually gets the crowd's disapproval treatment. and i must be "that guy" for some: i'm being ignored by several obviously discerning, if not otherwise exceptional, people. :smug:
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  17. primusfan1989


    Jan 17, 2005
    new jersey
    I don't deal with it, when someone has an ego issue like that I typically walk/fade out of the project, I have no desire to deal with that kind of energy
    Avezzano likes this.
  18. lermgalieu

    lermgalieu Supporting Member

    Apr 27, 2000
    Austin, TX
    As others have alluded to, it's really a benefits/drawbacks analysis. Is this person's upside big enough that you can deal with it?
    Spidey2112 and Avezzano like this.
  19. pepj


    Mar 25, 2021
    I actually expect players to have egos, the trick is to stop them being unbearable...and that comes down to the type of person they are.
    You can be confident, or have arrogance but you dont need to throw into people's faces every single time.
    Spidey2112, LBS-bass and Avezzano like this.
  20. Pocket Dave

    Pocket Dave

    Aug 5, 2022
    I can spot it a mile away 'cause I've been that guy before.

    I'm grateful that I have that past experience to draw on and avoid going forward, and I try not to be too judgmental. Seems it's been one of my many flaws, and one that's apparently pretty common in musical circles.

    Apologies to all those I've left in my wake-of-acrimony in the past.

    That said, I try to respectfully avoid situations where this kind of behavior either:
    • ends up causing the music to suffer,
    • is excessively hurtful to others
    • or wastes my time.

    I've been super-lucky in recent years. Adjusting my attitude has put me in a good place as far as working with respectful adults. And those remaining BL's I work with who still insist on total control are among the ones who don't let the music suffer, aren't just horrible to others and don't waste my time, and in some cases, have even learned to leverage their controlling behavior for the common good.

    Meanwhile it's my choice whether to take other people's flaws personally or not. Being a flawed person myself, these days I mostly choose not.

    BTW, part of the reason I find playing bass more fulfilling than guitar/fronting/running the show these days - It forces me into the back seat where I can just focus on complimenting the music and otherwise just chilling and doing my job.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2022