How do you deal with naggy, grumpy, b*tchy people?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by ::::BASSIST::::, Aug 21, 2005.

  1. ::::BASSIST::::

    ::::BASSIST:::: Progress Not Perfection.

    Sep 2, 2004
    Vancouver, BC Canada
    Specifically your wife or girlfriend.

    Okay I know the title of the thread is a bit misleading, but I dont want my wife to see this in my email "how to deal with a naggy wife" ....wouldnt go over well would it?

    I am getting very tired of arguing all the time. How do you deal with someone who is always (well, often) arguing with you:

    a)say "yes dear"
    ------doesnt work, she says "your'e placating me"

    b) silent treatment
    ------ she gave me the *very* cold shoulder for an entire day once. I didnt enjoy it, wouldnt want to do it to her.

    c) try to reason things out.
    ----- unfortunately not too successful usually b/c no matter what I say, unless I give in to her, its not good enough. At some point you cant be a doormat and you have to standup for yourself. Unfortunately, that usually makes things worse. How can you reason with someone how dwells in the realm of emotion more than logic?

    d) completely change the subject.
    ----actually works quite well, but she soon catches on.

    I am just getting tired of all the arguing. I know that it takes two people for an arguement to exist but in the heat of the moment its very difficult to remove oneself from the situation. 50% of the time things are great, but I dont think being happy 50% of the time is good enough. I really want to make things work, especially since we have a young baby. I just would like to hear some solutions from some of you guys who have been married for so long.

    Basically I see two general options:

    1. capitulate and just do what she wants. ( I have been trying to do this, sort of as a "let's see if this works" option, but then i feel I am always walking on eggshells.)

    2. Stand-up for myself and not be a doormat. This inevitable leads to intense arguements.

    Even when I try to suggest compromises they are very often not good enough for her. For example, this morning she said she is going to make an appointment for the doctors this coming wed. This means I will be looking after the baby, which means I really cant get much done while caring for an infant. Wednesdays are my bands practice day and it seems there is always a million things to do. So I said how about another day instead of Wednesday? Nope it has to be wednesday. It couldnt be Mon, Tues, Thurs or Friday. *sigh* I just dont see why its such a big deal to switch days. She hasnt even made the appointment yet. It doesnt seem rational to me.

    okay, now this is turning into a venting session. sorry.

    anyways, how do you guys stay in longterm relationships for so long?

    I know and understand that I am not without blame to some degree.

    I guess mainly what I am asking for is strategies to "get out of" arguements. Any other advice is certainly appreciated as well. If someone has some links to online sites that effectively deal with this topic that would also be appreciated.

    95% of the time the arguements are based on meaningless, trivial issues that just arent worth it.

    Thanks in advance.
  2. syciprider

    syciprider Banned

    May 27, 2005
    Inland Empire
    My wife is the quiet type thank goodness.

    For the silent treatment: Just ignore her. She'll give up after three days.

    The secret to long term relationships is working together to keep it long term.
  3. ::::BASSIST::::

    ::::BASSIST:::: Progress Not Perfection.

    Sep 2, 2004
    Vancouver, BC Canada
    Part of the problem is that it is very difficult to communicate about something even remotely controversial without it turning into an arguement.
  4. There may be more to this, but I feel as though you should really be concentrating on the baby, and not on other things - band practice, etc., can wait, but your son/daughter can't.

    But there's probably more to it than that.
  5. Joe Turski

    Joe Turski

    Jul 29, 2003
    I'm lucky enough to have a really cool wife. We don't argue, we have conversation.

    I agree with SMASH, look for a program of some sort to get an outsiders insight on your relationship. But it will take the both of you to make changes in your relationship. If she won't work on changing, you're doomed.

    With very little experince in this field, I have nothing else to say except the best of luck to you and your wife.
  6. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    SMASH's advice is excellent.

    Counseling will work wonders for your marriage, if you find the right counselor (easier said than done - I got lucky myself), and if you can convince your wife to go with you.

    I only wish I'd agreed to go to counseling with my ex when she suggested it, but I was too hard-headed, and convinced we didn't need it.

    I was wrong. Hopefully, your wife won't have that attitude.

    When we split, I went to counesling (tried unsuccessfully to get her to join me), and it worked wonders for me.

    The outside, objective view, if accepted openly by those that are IN counseling, can really open your eyes to things you need to see about yourself or your relationship that you are overlooking.

    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    Their is nothing wrong with getting Counseling, find someone that you feel comfortable with. Your Marriage and love for one another could very well grow with this expirence.
  8. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    shes probably just bored, dude.

    try this:

    make her go places. dont even ask if she wants to go... be like "Woman, we go here. get in the truck."

    they respond well to that, for some reason.

    Well, actually they act all mad.... then they punish you in the sack.
  9. Joe Turski

    Joe Turski

    Jul 29, 2003

    And the voice of reason speaks. :rolleyes:
  10. RLT


    Jul 10, 2004
    South Central OH
    I thought it was going to be a thread about singers and guitarists.
  11. pointbass

    pointbass Semi-Retired Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Nov 4, 2004
    Acworth, GA
    Endorsing Artist: FBB Bass Works
    Examine, in the most honest way you can, how big a part you play in her moodiness. Example:

    I tell you that my wife gets really mad at me when I rehearse on a Saturday or Sunday, and you'll likely say that she should be more understanding about my playing, didn't she know what the life of a musician is like before we got married, etc., etc.

    Now, how about if I tell you that my wife only gets mad about weekend rehearsals when I forget to tell her about them until Friday night? Now, who's the one at fault. Same story, with a little more background for story #2.

    You could be 100% in the right ...... all I'm saying is, examiine your role. My wife and I have been married for 23 years and together for 24 .... works for us :cool:
  12. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    The first issue, IMO, is to try to understand the other persons' viewpoint. If that doesn't happen, you'll never make it to step two.

    Then secondly, there's an issue of "compromise", which means you might have to "give", in areas where you perhaps might not have thought you were flexible.

    Then third, there's the "locking-in" part, where both (or all) parties recognize the issues that are on the table, and mutually commit to a certain set of behaviors.

    Step three depends entirely on steps 1 and 2, 'cause otherwise, the whole process becomes a sham, and people can go on pulling the wool over other peoples' eyes.

    I've been through this once or twice (or more :D), and I might be able to offer a few suggestions (you don't have to take them, but it's just IME and all that) -

    1) venting is a good thing. That's how you discover the other person's perspective.

    2) the "solution" that the other person proposes, is not always the right one, or the one that will introduce some "justice" into the equation.

    3) "justice" is not always defined by "what you want". Sometimes, in some cases (and I can't speak for yours, 'cause I don't know the details), one party or the other comes to realize that there is an element of "justice" that transcends their personal viewpoints ---

    and 4) if you reach that point of realization, you better be man enough to stand up for it - otherwise, your credibility is going to go down the tubes.

  13. pointbass

    pointbass Semi-Retired Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Nov 4, 2004
    Acworth, GA
    Endorsing Artist: FBB Bass Works
    Yeah Smash, I agree with you 100%, it'd be both of us. And I guess that you helped to make the point I was trying to make .... if I really cared, I wouldn't forget to tell her about my schedule .... if she really cared, she'd be more willing to forgive my occasional forgetfullness . That's why I say, examine your role, how hard are YOU trying ........
  14. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    An ancient proverb says.."where there is no wood, there is no fire". I wouldn't give her the silent treatment, but just do not contribute to the argument. Politely excusing yourself when the discussion is starting to get heated is a good idea. "I can see that this discussion is getting out of hand, perhaps we should take a break for a few minutes until we both calm down." is a good thing to say. It takes alot of humility and self control to do this, but it is definitely worth it.

    People act the way they do for a reason. People escalate things to certain levels based on how it turned out for them in the past. Your wife is acting this way to achieve a desired result. In the past it has worked, and she will resort to it until it stops working.

    This leads me to another point. Differences between marriage mates are not the cause of problems. If that was true, every marriage would suck since we are all different. They key is how the differences are handled. Too many couples resort to arguing about the results or even the cause of the problem instead of the actual problem.

    When your wife approaches you with a problem/concern/issue, lay the groundwork for the discussion. Have your wife explain to you what the issue is, and what she wants done. Let her know you understand how she feels, and you would also like to resolve the issue. Make it a team effort. Repeat back to her what her concern is, and how you feel it can be handled. Get away from the effects/cause of the problem, and deal with the issue itself.

    Take the Wednesday doctor appointment. Do you know why it has to be Wednesday? There may be a good reason. Find out why it has to be Wednesday. Unless you are supporting your family off your band, band practice to your wife is going to be a minor thing to her. If Wednesday is not required, offer to call and make the appointment on a day more suitable to your schedule. Assure her that you want to make sure your child gets to see the doctor, and that you will schedule a time that works.

    The suggestion of marriage/relationship counseling is also a good idea.

  15. Are you sure you want to live with this person for the rest of your life? I've seen too many awful relationships go on (only to cause even more problems) in the name of "love".
  16. Kael

    Kael Supporting Member

    Dec 26, 2004
    Oklahoma City
    Stun gun......
  17. Does your wife have the baby most of the time? Do you depend on your band for an income?

    If you don't depend on the band for an income, and can honestly say that your wife takes care of the baby most of the time, I think that could be where your problems lies in regard to the doctor's appointment argument and maybe other arguments.

    Speaking from experience, your wife could be getting very resentful of the fact that you can go and do your thing whenever you feel like it, but whenever she has something she would like to do, she has to make arrangements for you or someone else to care for the baby, or more than likely, she has to take the baby with her. Thats probably why she is insisting the doc's appointment is a Wednesday - I mean she's probably thinking "why shouldn't you have to take the baby with you when you want to go and do your thing? YOUR life hasn't changed any since the baby came along".

    Of course, I could be completely wrong about your situation, but when I read your post, I thought of the many times I have done exactly the same thing with my husband when my kids were very young.

    Take the advice others have given you about getting counselling. Arguing is so unpleasant, I know - we still argue all the time, but I'm working on it (yes, I'm very bad tempered - I admit it - and naggy when I think I'm being hard done by). Counselling has helped me see some things about myself that I didn't like and surprised me. I realised that we had lost respect for each other a long time ago. You will find that if it carries on like this, your respect for each other is fading rapidly, or has gone entirely, and it will take some work to get it back, but it can be done if both of you are willing to try really hard.

    The "time out" from a heated discussion theory mentioned by MJ5150 sounds a good idea, and SMASH and nonsqtr have some really good advice.

    Hope things get better for you, even if it doesn't for a while, just hang on in there, marriage is always really tough when you've got very young children. When your kids are a bit older and your wife can get out and about a bit more without a child in tow, she will start to feel a lot happier. I hope......!!!!
  18. eric234

    eric234 Guest

    Mar 11, 2005
    dump a bunch of cement in there car
  19. ::::BASSIST::::

    ::::BASSIST:::: Progress Not Perfection.

    Sep 2, 2004
    Vancouver, BC Canada
    First of all thanks for all the great advice. I truly do appreciate it. I am going to write it down and take careful study of it so that I can utilize it properly.

    Secondly, no she doesnt look after the baby all the time. I believe in what's known as "voluntary simplicity" (google it if you want more info) so I only work 16hours per week. This enables me to enjoy spending time with my 4 month old son and my wife. It goes without saying they are my top priority before any music/band situations.

    What follows is a brainstorm list of solutions I have thought up while at work today. I will try to put these in perspective, but without going into alot of detail (which would take forever) I may not be able to fully explain the situation.

    1. say "alright" instead of yes dear
    ---this seems to work well as it is a more positive upbeat response.

    2.check email in the morning for no more than 30minutes. Then no computer unless she goes out or is not around.
    ---she is jealous of the time I spend on the computer.

    3. During arguements/disagreements remain calm and objective. Concentrate on using calming language... working as a team rather than being adversarial.

    4. Language: I feel ________ because _______. What would you like me to do in the future? (this one needs much more work and I will definitely use some of the suggestions in previous posts).

    5. Be very conscious of tone of voice.

    6. Be sure to remember to give compliments often, but sincerely.

    7. no sexual pressure whatsoever
    ---you can figure this one out on your own :ninja:

    8. Maintain physical contact / affection/hugs throughout the day. (this sounds easier than it is, especially if the person is grumpy)

    9. When she is speaking dont interrupt or cut-off.
    --I have tendancy to do this :meh:

    10. Do as much housework as humanly possible. (this has been an a major issue for us in the past.)

    11. Get up early like 8am. ( I am naturally nocturnal. She doesnt like this)

    12. Help with the baby as much as humanly possible. (I already do quite a bit but ultimately she does more so I could help more).

    13. be positive and upbeat. dont criticize or dwell on the negative. (I actually dont have a problem with this, but its always good to remind myself).

    I want to say that my wife is actually a really wonderful person. She is very giving, and loving. I know opinions to the contrary may be easily formed based on what I have said. Its hard to be succint about problematic issues without writing on and on to give the full picture of how things are. I am very lucky to have her. But she is a very sensitive and emotional person and sometimes.. well, more like often... it seems that she "wants" to argue with me. Human beings... we are a complicated bunch.

    Anyway, thanks for the good advice. We have gone for counselling before with limited success. I think we should try it again.

    Any comments about the above points are certainly welcome as is additional advice.
  20. dlloyd

    dlloyd zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Apr 21, 2004
    Do what you're told and admit that everything is your fault.