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How should I handle this situation ( drunken parental )-Long winded

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by A-Step-Towards, Jun 1, 2012.


  1. My dad had me when he was 20 and my mom chose drugs over me thus I was raised solely by my dad. He lost his own father at 12 and his mother didn’t really care much for him and remarried shortly. In summary he hasn’t had a great life and has really lost all trust in females, he has also alienated himself to where he doesn’t have friends and so forth.

    At 18 I had enough and was ready to move out, he convinced me to go to college and stay at home and I appreciate that now. I have been able to pay all my tuition via financial aid because the first 3 years of college his taxes put us in the poverty bracket. Thus I have taken zero loans out. He really has helped me out and done more for me then a parent is required. He doesn’t pay my gas, my insurance, didn’t buy my car, doesn't pay my misc bills etc. I pay for everything except the electricity I consume, the water I use to shower and I of course occupy 1 bedroom. I also buy my own food etc, pay for the dog’s food (his dog) and vet bills, and so forth. I really only cost my dad, electricity, water and I take up a room he could use for something I suppose, but with no friends I cant see any use for it.

    That said my dad has developed drinking problems. It started when I was younger and he was abusive to an extent. At 17 I stood up to him and we got in a fist fight, since then he hasn’t tried to touch me but he is verbally abusive when he drinks, tells me I am lazy, basically makes me feel like crap for living there even though when he is sober he urges me to stay living at home and get a masters degree.....something I have decided to do but I decided long ago I will be moving out and be living on my own while working on it

    The main issue occurred last night when he got in a argument about me not wanting to walk across the street in broad day light and throw our trash in the neighbors trash can , because he refuses to buy trash service.........something I started paying for this month , but yesterday was May (last month). It got heated so I took my dog on a walk. When I came back I found my dish filled with bass picks throw all over the floor, my acoustic beater bass I got for free is on the ground , my rick was half in the stand , almost falling out. That bass is the most precious thing to me and I bought it new-no damage occurred. My cab was pushed around as it is on wheels and my light that was on is now off.

    I was mad, but he was passed out so I couldn’t confront him. I instead grabbed my computer to get online and do my math homework. That is when I realized the screen of my HP laptop was shattered. As you may know it’s near the end of the term and I have 2 papers due in 2 weeks, plus most of my math homework is online. I just bought this HP in December and already had to send it to HP for repairs under warranty, this of course will not be fixed as it is not a warranty issue. My computer is the biggest tool I have. I wrote him a note, and put the computer and the note out in the living room.

    This morning when I woke up, he reverses his attitude and is all apologetic. He says he doesn’t remember it and is trying o talk to me but I refuse and say "please leave me alone I need to get ready for class". He says he is going to stop drinking; I have heard that before.......he then says he is going to get me a new lap top and all this BS and asks me to forgive him.

    Here are my questions

    Do you think we are co-dependent and enabling one another? Being only 20 years apart we can relate on a lot of stuff and no one has spent as much time around each other as us, our own mothers have actually spent less time with us then we have with each other.

    Am I risking my own health and well being continuing this relationship?

    I feel guilty about not paying rent for so long even though he is the one who urges me to stay...........should I just refuse a lap top based on the principal that he does actually house me?



    The reality is I pay all my own bills almost so moving out wouldn’t add much to the costs (looking around with a roommate it would be another 300$ or so) , I have a buddy who wants to move out with me, but I feel guilty abandoning my dad, he has no friends , no one.

    My girlfriend’s family actually loves me and they have dual citizenship in Israel and here. She is over there and they have urged me to come, problem is I have another term of college. The reasons for me living at home really were to take up to 18 credits a term and focus on college and also because I felt guilty moving out, I wasnt doing this to save a small sum of money monthly, in fact I have a decent amount of savings for someone my age , and again zero debt.

    What would you do, because I am at a loss…… I also understand many people have issues, I am not seeking sympathy merely advise on a escalating situation. I also apologize for how lenghty this thread is.


    BTW-this summer I am doing a 12 credit intern required for my degree, 40 hour weeks at a juvenile probation office. I am training to be a Probation Officer , after this summer I have 1 more term of classes fall 2012. I will have my bachelors in December. Had I not transfered colleges and lost credits and had not started in lower level math classes I would be graduating this term. I have taken summer terms as well but was not able to catch up fully thus I have this summer term and 1 math class in the fall.
     
  2. 1SHOT1HIT

    1SHOT1HIT

    Feb 17, 2012
    USA
    Well you may not have been seeking it but you found it, you have my sympathy.

    I'll respond to this better in a little but I've got too much in my plate at the moment. I think based on your thought process thus far you already have a good idea of what you should do. But I'll be back to offer my advice in a few for what it's worth.
     
  3. feet_

    feet_

    Jan 9, 2007
    Move on! Your dad is a big boy he can handle himself.
    2 things will either happen
    1. He will stay a lonely drunk,
    2. Realize he's a lonely drunk and go to AA, find a nice women there, and live a happy life

    Seen this from my buddy and his parents minus the drinking/ drugs
    Buddy still lives at home supporting his parents cuz they are too lazy to get a job. He feels guilty. Leaving them. Supports them, mortgage , child support all on a $15/hr job. He's almost 40!
    Don't be like him..
     
  4. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Sorry to hear about your dad. I'd say at this point, you've done most of the growing you need to do. Move out, start your life. Only encourage positive behavior and interactions with your Dad. If he starts exhibiting negative behavior toward you or yourself, remove yourself. As bad as it sounds, it's almost like training a dog. Praise and encourage the good stuff, ignore and deflect the bad stuff. Your dad loves you. Your absence and his love for you could be what finally pushes himself to get help. Tell him that you're willing to help him get help, but you're not going to support him and his drinking anymore. If he can afford enough beer to frequently drink himself into a stupor, then he can afford the trash bill, or the other bills. You need to have a man to man heart to heart with him and point this stuff out to him. I would venture to guess he could benefit from some therapy as well as alcohol rehabilitation. But don't let him drag down your own life's progress.
     
  5. slaps76

    slaps76

    Jul 10, 2008
    Medford, MA
    I agree with Maki.

    If I were you, I would move out & get a place with your friend. Not to remove your dad from your life, but to distance yourself a bit. It's obviously still worth it to keep him close to you, and hopefully he can get himself some help, which it sounds like he desperately needs.

    Good luck, and congrats: you've done a great job putting yourself through school and keeping a good head on your shoulders.
     
  6. 1SHOT1HIT

    1SHOT1HIT

    Feb 17, 2012
    USA
    Thanks Maki. I really didn't want to type it all out on my phone but was about to say something very similar .
    The whole part about encouraging ONLY good behavior is so perfectly said.
    A step you have your own life to live and feeling guilty is ridiculous anything your father is has or will do for you is what he is supposed to do. He's your father.
    Start putting your Ric in its case AT ALL TIMES no excuses.
    Get a lock for your room until you can move out.
    You can still help your dad not living there but I'd only help him if he's helping himself.

    I'd strongly recommend some counseling to him along with AA like Maki said, this will give him an outlet to vent, hear advice, meet new people, and feel a sense of belonging.

    I'd only approach him about this when he's sober also. Obviously.
    Maybe pick a time where you can tell him on a Friday then Pack your important stuff up, and take off for the weekend to avoid him flipping out later that night.
     
  7. Texan

    Texan 667 Neighbor of the Beast.

    Aug 15, 2004
    Houston, TX
    What Maki said...

    I feel for you, and hope that he does get help.
     
  8. colcifer

    colcifer Esteemed Nitpicker Supporting Member

    Feb 10, 2010
    A Galaxy Far, Far Away
    Anyway you can complete your degree in Israel?
     
  9. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Yeah, I gotta commend you for your sense of responsibility. Most kids would have crumpled under this pressure. You also seem to have come out of this with a sense of compassion and love for the man, when others might have resented their father in the same situation. I get a sense that you're a good kid. Move forward. Be a success. You've got a good future in front of you, and I think that if you ever have kids of your own when you're settled down and ready, that you'll be able to be a much better example of a father than your own, and perhaps you'll start bringing some love into your family line. Hopefully your father can be a part of that when the time comes. Good luck brother. I wish you the best. Congrats on the upcoming degree too. :)
     
  10. Lee H

    Lee H

    Nov 30, 2011
    Redding CA
    these kind of threads pop up pretty regularly, on different forums. I am even part owner in an automotive forum, and you would not believe how often they are posted on there

    What is ALWAYS the same about each and every one, is that it is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the young adult or teenager complaining about how they are abused. They are ALWAYS the victim...without fail. They never admit to their own asshatery. It is always the brutally evil parent who quashes the fine upstanding hope for the future, of mankind.


    The poor victims always have a list of the things they have to pay for. They are so abused. They never take into consideration that they are being taught to be responsible, and pay their own way. They do not see the parental "safety net" under them, in case they do fail. They only see their own hardships, and how hard they try. They never understand that their parents had to learn the same lessons.

    I have heard of hundreds of fistfights between fathers and sons. What I have never heard is a teenage son admit that he was mouthing off, and had a but kicking coming. The ones who didn't learn that lesson, usually met someone like me later. I was the bar bouncer whom they thought would take their arrogance. Often there was a sheriff deputy waiting for them, after they got back up.

    So by all means...trash talk your dad... and while you still know all there is to know, go save the world. The rest of us could really appreciate that
     
  11. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Supporting Member

    Jan 13, 2008
    Dude, did you even read the OP? He's not even calling himself a victim when he, in fact, is one. He's just asking for advice on the matter.

    It's becoming REALLY obvious that you rarely read before posting :rollno:
     
  12. Thanks guys I do appreciate the advice, I really just needed an outside perspective and my friends have all led rather poor life’s so it would sound pretty similar to them and thus I don’t think they would touch on the things you guys have.

    I also just want to say again, I am not looking for any form of pity. There are so many people living in dire conditions and I am grateful for the opportunities I have been presented with and having things like financial aid that will allow for me to work myself up in society’s ladder and not have to live the life of my father.

    Maki-I appreciate the advice and I think I have a window of opportunity to tell him he needs to go to AA as right now he is very guilt ridden about what occurred.

    I do fear increasingly becoming the parent and him the child and ending up stuck with him. I have a beautiful girl friend I have been with 1 1/2 years that is also an amazing singer and guitarist and I fear keeping a relationship with him in this state will push her away as she has said many times when she is over she feels unwelcomed and she sees my dad’s verbal abuse and gets mad at how he treats me and how I respond, thus she has distanced herself from coming over as much.
    The ironic thing is while on this walk I called my girlfriend and discussed that I was going to move out after this summer internship and that after all the crap I have taken 3 months would be cake, when I got home I discovered what he had done and that has definitely pushed that from a possibility to a for sure thing. I think I have cheated myself by staying at home and not growing in the ways I would with added responsibilities.
     
  13. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    While I do tend to agree with your sentiments here, I don't sense that this applies here. Of course, I could be wrong, but the OP is not really portraying himself as a victim.
     
  14. EBodious

    EBodious

    Aug 2, 2006
    Iowa
    what he ^ said.

    hang in there, and move out. stay in touch with your dad. but when he calls and leaves you drunken voicemails, be kind to yourself and delete them. don't listen to them. they will not represent what your dad really thinks.

    you are really close to being on your own. keep your eye on the prize.

    and i hope your dad finds his own path to a healthier life.
     
  15. Lee H

    Lee H

    Nov 30, 2011
    Redding CA

    since we are only hearing one side of the story, the OP can portray himself in any light he so chooses.

    I can absolutely guarantee there is another side to this
     
  16. I sympathize.

    My mother was alcoholic and addicted to drugs from the time I was about 12, until she took her own life when I was 42. Thirty years of broken promises to get sober.

    From what you wrote, it sounds like you are handling things very well. You're in college, I assume you work part-time, and you aren't an addict yourself (right?). Good for you; lots of people in your situation become criminals, addicts, abusers, etc.

    I have two recommendations: (1) try to find some professional counseling, maybe through your school. There are very serious things happening in your life, and you should probably get more professional help than you can get on TBOT. (2) I think that you will be better off if you get out of the house. Don't stay there because he needs you emotionally; if you do that he will continue to take advantage of you.

    Good luck, and please keep us posted.
     
  17. Yes I have seen those threads, If you read my thread you would see that I am not setting myself up as a victim I am describing the situation I have found myself in my whole life. I describe my father as a victim of his own addictions. I am asking how to deal with this situation to help my father and me, not just me. There is no trash talking of my father, this is merely the truth of what occurs. As I said our argument last night was over me not doing as he said, so I admitted to 'back talking" or whatever you want to call it.

    Not once have I called myself a victim. I am asking help for a man that I stated raised me on his own at 20 and had only had a father of his own for 12 years of his life, one that was abusive.

    If anything my original post describes how my dad is a victim of his childhood trauma, of his alcohol abuse and of what could be untreated bi-polar disorder.

    If I wanted to appear a victim I would blame all my problems in life on him, this thread was not about that, it was how to fix a relationship between a father and son, it was not to trash talk my father and as I stated I am grateful for what I have been given.

    I respect my dad and I respect him enough to say personal information on a forum I am rather active on to try and reach a resolution that may help him, you think it was easy to come on here and talk about this? I debated posting this for a half hour and almost didn’t.
     
  18. chuck norriss

    chuck norriss Inactive

    Jan 20, 2011
    Sorry to hear this dude. I commend your fortitude & temperance. You already know that what he says while drunk no matter how bad or abusive it is, it doesn't count, right? Don't let it get to you. Conversely, what he says while he's sober is encouraging. I'm going to mix in my responses. I wanted to mind my own business but I was in a similar situation so hopefully I can be of some help.


    Here are my questions
    Do you think we are co-dependent and enabling one another?
    Yes but it's not as serious as you think. It could possibly be remedied by you moving out. Adults need their own living spaces.

    Am I risking my own health and well being continuing this relationship?

    Yes. Mentally & emotionally most of all. People can take a punch & heal from it, maybe even become closer or gain respect but verbal abuse is far more penetrating. Egos bruise easier than skin does.


    I feel guilty about not paying rent for so long even though he is the one who urges me to stay...........should I just refuse a lap top based on the principal that he does actually house me?


    Two separate issues.


    I feel guilty abandoning my dad, he has no friends , no one.

    He'll survive don't worry. Give him more credit. He might be a man about town after you're out as far as you know. It's just a matter of him getting out of the house trust me on this one.


    My girlfriend’s family actually loves me and they have dual citizenship in Israel and here. She is over there and they have urged me to come, problem is I have another term of college.

    Israel is not easy from what I here. No picnic. And that's a lot of pressure on the both of you. It's kind of them but finish school then you can travel etc.

    The reasons for me living at home really were to take up to 18 credits a term and focus on college and also because I felt guilty moving out, I wasnt doing this to save a small sum of money monthly, in fact I have a decent amount of savings for someone my age , and again zero debt.

    You're on the right trackk, man.


    What would you do,

    You have vision & goals & a girl/people who care for you. Keep at it.

    BTW-this summer I am doing a 12 credit intern required for my degree, 40 hour weeks at a juvenile probation office. I am training to be a Probation Officer , after this summer I have 1 more term of classes fall 2012. I will have my bachelors in December. Had I not transfered colleges and lost credits and had not started in lower level math classes I would be graduating this term. I have taken summer terms as well but was not able to catch up fully thus I have this summer term and 1 math class in the fall.


    Like i said, vision & goals. But move out. That's what adults do. & continue w studies. Things will get better from there.
     
  19. +1. You seem to have a big heart and I salute you.

    Move out. No one deserves to experience the perpetual stress you've been under for so long. Do not confuse self-preservation with selfishness. If you try to be too strong for too long, it'll catch up to you and it might lead you to depression and/or anxiety attacks. You may feel like this can never happen to you right now but no one is bullet proof - don't ask me how I know. What I'm really trying to say is that you need a break. You deserve to be happy and to be able to pursue your education without this burden. No one has the right to make you feel guilty for wanting what's best for you to keep your sanity and for your future - not even yourself. Kick the guilt to the curb immediately: You've already gone above and beyond what most would have done in your situation.

    I know these conversations are difficult to have, but you need to muster the courage to calmly address your concerns with your dad (when he's sober, obviously) and explain why you're moving out. Could be a good idea to move your valuables out of the place first in case he gets drunk and retaliates by breaking more of your stuff.

    Help him the best you can within certain limits, i.e. keep a reasonable distance and don't let him drag you down. Break the cycle and be a successful, happy and loving human being. You sound like you have the goods.

    Take care, and please report back.
     
  20. chuck norriss

    chuck norriss Inactive

    Jan 20, 2011
    Agreed: pro help.
     

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