How to handle things you cannot change

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by powderfinger, Mar 11, 2014.

  1. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    So something has happened in my life as of late. I guess the specifics aren't necessary (it has to do with a work project I've been working on with peers). Long-story short I don't feel like the outcome is "fair". There is literally nothing I can do at this point but move forward and keep working. But I feel as though my hard work in this project was marginalaized, and the work of others given more praise and reward than my own. I don't want to abadon this project, and I will say my peers did not do anything under-handed or malicious. Just turns out the powers that be appreciated their work a lot more than my own.

    That said. I have the chance to keep on working forward with these guys.gals, and I want to... however, I want to move forward without resentment, jealousy, envy of their praise and reward, or anger at my lack of reward. I want to show grace and self-control here, and be positive. But it's so hard. Its an internal battle at this point. Any ideas on what I can do to have grace and poise with this?

    The talking and crying is done. I have to go forward. But its gonna be hard.
  2. Gorn


    Dec 15, 2011
    Queens, NY
    I earn half the pay of a few employees that are friends of the boss. I do twice as much work for half the salary. It pisses me off, but that doesn't help the situation. Nothing you can do.
  3. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Yeah, I've come to that conclusion as well at this point. I wish their was like a mental Jedi exercise I could do to induce grace and calm. You know, bc resentment and anger leads to the Darkside and all that hoop-la
  4. nukes_da_bass

    nukes_da_bass Banned

    Feb 19, 2006
    west suburban boston
    I own the company. It's small. Only input I ever hear regarding my sweat equity is bitching and moaning from my contractors and customers.
    Even worse are the online reviews- Da Interwebs are filled with poison and vitriol.
    Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a drone.
  5. Darth Handsome

    Darth Handsome Banned

    Oct 1, 2010
    Any work problem can be solved by spinning some Black Sabbath.
  6. machine gewehr

    machine gewehr

    Sep 17, 2005
    Meet my best friend after 30 years of wrong choices and things I can not change.

  7. Jeff Elkins

    Jeff Elkins Supporting Member

    Sep 13, 2007
    East Tennessee
    I can TOTALLY relate from my experiences on IT development projects.
    The phrase "best of all possible worlds" comes to mind--in the way that you have the "best" of all possible bad "worlds." Over and over I've seen this situation, with one critical exception--other members of the team WERE underhanded and malicious. From that perspective, I think you're actually in a pretty good spot.
    I really don't mean that to sound flip--executives are people too, with their own biases and understanding of how the machine works below them. They make mistakes and overlook obvious contributions. But it's much worse, IMO, when you've been back-stabbed or your contributions are deliberately squashed. That anger and resentment doesn't hurt as much at first, but it's insidious and can make you mean. Which WILL be noticed!
    You belong to a great club of people that I respect, having seen them toil without accolades.
    Recovery may be found in the looking forward to future projects. If you do good work, the other teammates will continue to want you on board. Eventually, folks start to notice that there's a common thread in all of the successful projects, and it's you.
    I'm not down with hiding my light under a bushel--sometimes you need to trumpet your accomplishments. And I couldn't toil without recognition forever--that's me, others don't want or need it, I suppose--but if you have confidence in your contributions, be proud of yourself, and keep it up for your own peace of mind. It pays off a *ton* down the road.
  8. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Can't say this often, but this is OT advice worth writing down. Im actually going to put this on a post-it. thanks.
  9. Unrepresented

    Unrepresented Something Borderline Offensive

    Jul 1, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    There is no reason to believe that self-promotion isn't something you can't change. Death is kinda hard to work around. Unassisted flight is tough, but making sure that your efforts --if indeed worthy of praise-- are recognized is something that can be addressed.
  10. edpal

    edpal Banned

    Oct 3, 2007
    Powderfinger - that is a drag. If your work was beneficial to the whole, hopefully those co-workers who got the majority(all?) of the acknowledgement appreciate your input on the project. If you are friend-ish with one of those who you feel got all the kudos maybe you could ask them privately if they could mention your contributions on future project, if for job security alone.

    Think about how it goes in a band - some slightly obscure member of the group (bass player?) brings a rough song idea, someone else polishes it. The polisher frequently gets the majority of credit. Not fair but you basically have to suck it up. But be sure you get your share of the royalties if we're talking music.:D:bassist:

    Maybe mentally making a list of your positive attributes will give you some clarity on how often your special talents are overlooked and not just at work. And life goes on, right? Just breath deep and show some class, definitely don't drama queen the deal, you'll hate yourself in the morning and you will never have true respect.

    Wishing you luck on this brother, that is a major butt hurt.
  11. You either accept it with serenity, change it, or distance yourself from it.

    No one is stuck with anything. The worst thing you can do is play the victim. It only makes things worse, inside and out.
  12. Going under the rubber and do extra work doesn't pay off these days anymore! So many wrong decisions, the he said, she said BS, is unbearable! When something like that happens, i immediately bring my family to mind, remind myself why i still here! I feel your pain brother its been 13 years!
  13. Biggbass


    Dec 14, 2011
    Planet Earth
    I learned a long time ago, from a CEO that I greatly admired, this bit of wisdom that I
    try to use on a daily basis:

    Focus on the things you can influence, change, or control.
    Don't worry about the things you cannot.

    This simple idea is something I constantly remind my self of. And it helps.
  14. ArtechnikA

    ArtechnikA I endorsed a check once... Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 24, 2013
    All that and...

    update your résumé ...
  15. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Great words from all. Yeah, I gotta show class and dignity.

    I want to be able to show grace, acceptance, and dignity. And most of all positivity. I want to continue working with my peers. Ok, so... there is acceptance. I know not to drama-queen things up.... I will look foolish and petty. I guess I can just keep repeating to myself to stay positive, and give good energy, and not suck the life out of the room with negatives.
  16. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Supporting Member

    Powderfinger, I'll share with you a bit of wisdom I learned from my dad:

    "The best time to look for a job is when you're in a position of strength. And a position of strength is defined as already having a job."

    If you are continually dealt with in this fashion, it's time to look. But it's REALLY important to keep a positive dialogue in your own head. As soon as you let your own attitude turn sour, it will reinforce itself and lead you into a bad place mentally...making your days less pleasant.

    Keep a positive dialogue going, but start looking.
  17. Marial

    Marial weapons-grade plum

    Apr 8, 2011
    Been there in bands (left) and am currently there in my work life. After a period of anger about it, I'm coming to a place of awareness. It's on me. I need to work harder, and if that does not change things in my current situation, I need to find another job. I need to control the things I can control, in other words, and let the rest go.

    I'm also starting to investigate meditation as way to calm my mind and reduce stress.
  18. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Well, to be totally honest... this project was undertaken by a volunteer org. I am involved with outside of my employment. However, I consider it a 2nd job, because I literally bust my ass several days a week, and it's for a cause that I care A LOT about. This org. makes me feel like Im doing something truly great and special. So there was some emotional hurt that came with what happened with the mgmt./powers that be.

    So that's another good thing.
  19. 1958Bassman


    Oct 20, 2007
    I had a job that I liked, if I considered what I did, the resources available and most people in the company. If I thought about some of the people who worked in the same area and what they did, it made me crazy. The VP of the company was someone who had never really had a job of any significance because it was a family-owned and operated business and he acted like the proverbial spoiled rich kid who worked for the family. The main sales guy was a total button-pusher and he pissed off everyone else on a regular basis.

    I was about to lose it and got a book that teaches how to handle stress. Part of it had to do with deep breathing and I thought it would be BS, but it worked. It calms the mind and body, which makes sense because it's not possible to have a calm body or mind without the other being calm.

    It also taught that if a person can't do anything about what is stressing them, they should let it go, but only until they reach the point of not being able to. This means you need to do what's best for you. If you can do what you do somewhere else, that may be best. Being treated unfairly sucks and the question that needs to be answered is "What are you prepared to do about it?".

    I was able to move on to a different company when the ones I worked for became unbearable and this shouldn't be a problem if you have marketable job skills, knowing how stressful the job hunt can be. If they decide that your position isn't working out, let them lay you off or fire you, but don't burn any bridges. People come and go, but how you deal with it will be remembered. Get your resume up to date, just in case it comes to a head.

    I worked with someone (at the family-owned place that I hated) and on the shelf over his desk, he had a piece of paper with "Nothing is anything. Everything is nothing."- he's Buddhist and one of the most decent people I know, even when things have been bad.

    I had a neighbor whose response to me asking "How is work?" was "It doesn't matter". When I asked her to explain, she said her philosophy was "Find a job that no one else wants and do it so well they have no choice but to pay you a lot of money. That doesn't mean that someone should hate their job, but it shouldn't be seen as the only thing they can do.
  20. slobake

    slobake resident ... something Supporting Member

    It's tough and there are no easy answers. Sometimes the knowledge that we did the best we could is the only thing we get.
    I once worked for a small company that was rampant with nepotism. My boss gave me a good raise but it didn't appear on my check. I tried for a month to get in touch with managment (the owner's wife) in another part of the state. Finally they called me back and said that they had made a mistake and missed my raise but now we were having cut backs in the company so I wouldn't be getting a raise. Everyone else got raises, you know the family members were takin care of. When I challenged them they said they were sorry, if they had not missed my raise in the first place I would have got it but now it was too late. I went to work angry and bitter every day I coulnd't let it go. I knew it was time to leave.
    A friend had started a plumbing business so I quit and went to work for him.