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How To SIng the Blues

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Deynn, Sep 20, 2000.


  1. Deynn

    Deynn Moderator Emeritus

    Aug 9, 2000
    Iowa
    I saw this posted on TBL this morning....and thought that it should be shared here, as well.
    ............................................................

    HOW TO SING THE BLUES
    by Lame Mango Washington

    (attributed to Blind Liney Crawford with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions
    by Clueless Boo Radley

    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

    2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
    something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the
    meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the
    meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500
    pound."

    4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
    ditch; ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
    travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most
    Bluestransportation
    is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
    state-sponsored
    motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
    blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
    sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
    electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
    in
    Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.
    Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You
    cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
    pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
    Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
    is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
    happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived.
    d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
    Woods
    cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a
    leg up on the blues.

    14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. mixed drinks
    b. kosher wine
    c. Snapple
    d. sparkling water

    15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
    the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
    cot.
    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
    liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't
    sing
    the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,
    maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot
    sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog or
    get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't
    care.

     
    zontar and hrodbert696 like this.
  2. furtim

    furtim

    Dec 12, 1999
    Boston, MA, USA
    Hahahaha! Great joke. =) For something related, check out Weird Al's "Generic Blues". So funny!
     
  3. jfsjbb

    jfsjbb

    Aug 29, 2000
    You know that song:

    "You can't play the blues in an air conditioned room"

    I heared it played by the Blues Brothers Band.
     
  4. Boplicity

    Boplicity Supporting Member

    I just LOVE that "Blues Rules" post! Thanks so much for sharing it and I am printing it out for permanent keeping.

    There is so much truth written there and the additional post about playing blues in air conditioning. I also loved the rule about not being able to play blues with a fat 401K or trust fund, though I would add that when the Dow and Nasdaq plunge, you DO qualify to sing the blues if only temporarily. Also, even WITH a trust fund, you can sing the blues in ten or fifteen years when inflation has chipped away twenty percent of its value and estate taxes and federal income taxes on the interest from unearned income have eaten an additional sixty percent. (And you THOUGHT you were set for life! Good by, country club.)

    That "Blues Rules" segment made my day. Again, thanks alot for passing it on to us.

    Jason Oldsted
     
  5. Close enough for the blues.
     
  6. Gravedigger Dav

    Gravedigger Dav Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2014
    Fort Worth, Texas
    So I used the rules and came up with Slow Berry Roosevelt.

    I do think the last name of a president rule needs amending. How could you possibly be a blues man named Van Buren?
    And now appearing E.D. Pomegranate Van Buren! <nope>.
    (lets see who gets it first)
     
  7. Dogbertday

    Dogbertday Commercial User

    Jul 10, 2007
    SE Wisconsin
    Blaine Music LLC
    Nice...

    Though if you make the fruit rule just food being "peg-leg grits van buren" kinda works
     
  8. BucketOfFish

    BucketOfFish

    Mar 17, 2014
    Here's a tip for improving your blues vocal skills that is particularly helpful for married guys with a pack of energetic kids.

    You come home late for supper after a long day and inform your woman in no uncertain terms that it's about time that she start contributing some effort around the house. As the flames shoot from her eyeballs you then run for the bathroom and lock yourself in. You then attempt to imitate the screams, snarls and invective that emanate from the other side of the door. As a side benefit you will begin to experience the blues in a very real sense...if you survive and don't mind coffee laced with Red Devil lye.
     
  9. ZenG

    ZenG

    Dec 13, 2013
    Near the fridge
    The man's right.....

    here in Canada you can't sing the blues if you shot a man in Toronto.

    and we don't have the electric chair.....

    if we were allowed to sing the blues:-

    I'd go for Clubfoot "Banana" Mulroney.....
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2014
  10. zontar

    zontar

    Feb 19, 2014
    J-5
    There are a few variations of this online--some mention the woman has the meanest dog, some don't mention Canada, etc.

    It's good to see them pop up here & there, now & then

    just as a reminder, and for a laugh.
     
  11. Lownote38

    Lownote38

    Aug 8, 2013
    Nashville, TN
    bluesname.jpg

    My name is "Hollerin' Money Jefferson"
     
  12. eKay

    eKay

    May 8, 2014
    This is cool, but what are the rules for a fella with no middle name? "Texas Smith" doesn't sound bluesy enough.
     
  13. zontar

    zontar

    Feb 19, 2014
    J-5
     
  14. Man this thread should hold a record for zombie thread resurrection. Did anybody notice the last posting date was 2000, before revival?
     
  15. tbirdsp

    tbirdsp

    Sep 18, 2012
    Omaha, NE
    Jailhouse Fingers Davis :laugh:
     
    Lownote38 likes this.
  16. Gravedigger Dav

    Gravedigger Dav Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2014
    Fort Worth, Texas
    Yeah, it does, after a couple of shots. But what does someone from Wisconsin know about Grits???
     
  17. DiabolusInMusic

    DiabolusInMusic Functionless Art is Merely Tolerated Vandalism Gold Supporting Member

     
  18. "Hey thar, y'all, ise Boney Money McGee, an Ahm to play da blues fuh y'all. Thankyuhverymush! (Wan, too, tree foh...)" :thumbsup:

    If I have offended anyone, well, get over it. It's THE BLUES, fer cryinoutloud.

    :bassist::bassist: