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I Believe In Being Up Front With Folks

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Russell L, Aug 23, 2017.

  1. Russell L

    Russell L

    Mar 5, 2011
    Cayce, SC
    Well...in 2015 I retired from the band/gigging scene for the most part. Maybe a little thing once in a blue moon. I'm old and tired and achy. Then, in 2016 an old friend needed bass tracks on his debut CD. So I went to rehearsals, put down nine bass tracks and one guitar track with other musicians, and played the release party, all for free, a gift out of friendship and brotherhood to a long-time pal. He's old, too, and it was his one chance to do something.

    Then, he wanted to put together a two-hour show. That meant a band. I've hung in there, done some open mics, a couple of things with others with him, and most recently rehearsals with band prospects. Again, just hanging in there as a kindness to help him out.

    Then, a month of silence from him. Hm. But, my wife saw on Facebook where he posted that he was gonna play at a local place. Me and the guitar player haven't heard a word. Something ain't right.

    The point is, be up front. Here I am, having hung on out of true compassion for a friend, only to be left out of touch when he changes the plan. Sorry pal, it's been fun, but I'm not sticking around to be disrespected or mistreated.
  2. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Cool down. What's this gig he has? It may be another project he has. It may be a solo acoustic show.

    A band isn't a marriage. It's just whatever combination of musicians happen to be playing together at a given moment. People can play with whoever they want. Did he promise you or the guitarist anything, make any commitments? If there's something he explicitly told you he would do and didn't, or that he wouldn't do and did, you have grounds to be angry. If you just made assumptions and he's doing his own thing that wasn't what you assumed, you don't.
  3. blubass


    Aug 3, 2007
    Modesto Ca
    Current: Blackstar, DR strings, Nady. Previous endorsements with: GK, Rotosound, Ernie Ball, Cleartone, EMG, Dean, Dava Picks, Rebel Straps, Dickies
    If you believe in being up-front, I assume you tried to make some contact with him inside that month of silence?

    Seems like there may be some assumptions being made. Contact is a two way street. It's also entirely possible the gig he has going is a separate affair that he wants to retain outside of the band thing he wanted to do.
  4. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Some people are lousy communicators, he may have gotten sick, he may have another project, he may want to try some songs solo, he my be an idiot, who knows?

    Pick up the phone.
    murphy, ThePresident777 and blubass like this.
  5. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member

    i would communicate with him and be "up front." :thumbsup:
    SoCal80s, bolophonic, Huge and 7 others like this.
  6. RoadRanger

    RoadRanger Supporting Member

    Feb 18, 2004
    NE CT
    He's a musician - all them guys are bat poop crazy ;)
    mstillman, murphy, RSBBass and 14 others like this.
  7. RustyAxe


    Jul 8, 2008
    At first you sound altruistic, doing it free for your friend's benefit, and now you're sore because he's got a gig without you? :meh: Sounds like you developed expectations of your own. Pick up a phone ... call him.
    murphy, bolophonic, RSBBass and 9 others like this.
  8. Oddly

    Oddly Unofficial TalkBass Cartographer! Supporting Member

    Jan 17, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland.
    Seems like you're maybe jumping to conclusions a bit fast.
    Sure, it's poor form to drop out of contact with you for a month ... but if you've not made any attempt to contact him that's on you too. (Assuming the last time you talked wasn't a commitment from him to get back to you first.)
    The Facebook post could be easily explained as a solo thing...
    For a guy you've done so much for out of friendship and respect, it'd be sad to sour all that over some little misunderstanding.
    Talk to him.
  9. 40Hz

    40Hz Supporting Member

    Sometimes people just talk about what they're "going to" do and never get around to doing it. I wouldn't read too much into anybody's announced plans until they actually come to pass.

    BTW, what in his post makes you think you and the guitarist will be excluded? If I say I'm going to be playing someplace, I don't feel the need to always spell out with who else when I'm talking to friends - which is what FB is ostensibly about.
    blubass likes this.
  10. Seanto


    Dec 29, 2005
    I've learned that you gotta think of yourself and others as free agents in the music world, at least to an extent. Loyalty just doesn't exist like it used to. Just because you weren't "included" isn't a reason to be sad/mad.

    The funny thing about your situation though is that it sounds like you would had welcomed an "out" from the bass player responsibility. Not sure why this is an issue for you.
    HolmeBass and RoadRanger like this.
  11. mrcbass


    Jan 14, 2016
    Sacramento, CA
    Gotta say that I agree with everyone stating that you may be over-reacting a little based on the contents of your post. Maybe there's more than you're telling us, but it does sound like you're getting sour for no reason - or at least without all the details.

    Was there some sort of agreement that you would be in the loop for everything he does?

    Based on the first half of your post, you should be happy that he doesn't need you anymore. Perhaps he knows that you were "just being a friend" and is returning the favor by letting you loose. Maybe he just wanted your talent for the recordings and is fine with someone else for the grind? We can only guess at these possibilities.

    Communicate with him before you assume he's dissing you...
    blubass, Oddly and Lobster11 like this.
  12. Knavery


    Feb 24, 2004
    Westminster, CO
    The only thing I'd be upset about is him not contacting you for a month if he's a good friend. I wouldn't really sweat the gig thing. Call him up and find out what's going on. Maybe you did something to make him upset, or perhaps he thinks you're mad at him. There's a myriad of reasons and miscommunication that can go on when people don't talk.
  13. Grumry


    Jul 6, 2016
    Unfriend and block him. That'll show him to exclude you next time.
    Frontporch and Son of Wobble like this.
  14. Russell L

    Russell L

    Mar 5, 2011
    Cayce, SC
    Thanks, I know ya'll are right, but you have to know the guy I guess. He's a good guy, but this is odd. When it all started I told him I didn't want to be in any more bands, but that I'd help him out on the CD. I actually was about to call him when my wife said he posted on Facebook (I'm not on it). He's been a bit pushy about me staying with him. Not in a bad way, more like possessive. All I want is to be told if he has someone else in line. But you're right, I don't know. And yes, I'd be relieved. None of this will hurt our friendship, no matter what. He and I and the guitarist are all close friends. The guitarist has been as curious as I have about not hearing from him suddenly, and surprised that he has suddenly announced his playing somewhere.

    My post sounded bad. I didn't mean it to.

    But see, he is someone who has never been in a band, never been out giiging or doing any of this. He's been a tad awkward, understandingly. He bombed out in Nashville in '84 on You Can Be a Star and never tried again til last year. Bless him, that was tough.

    I have just been surprised at his silence so suddenly. Not like him. And having been in the business, I guess it made me jump to conclusions, or possibilities (many of ya'll know how things can get in the business).

    Aw, hell, I can't back myself out of the corner I've put myself in by over-reacting in my post. Thank ya'll for slapping my ass around and pointing me in the right direction. Yes, I'll call him. I gotta be up front, too. I hate to get out, but really, my life has changed and I just can't do it. He'll understand, and we'll still be friends forever.

    Thanks ya'll.
    murphy, Helix, BAG and 13 others like this.
  15. LOL, please report back. Now I'm curious if he found other folks to play the parts or if he was planning on springing this on you later.
    Russell L and pjbassist like this.
  16. Wait, you *accepted* criticism from people on a message board? Is this the internet or the Twilight Zone?!?!

    Kidding aside, that's not an easy thing and I commend you for it.
  17. Nev375


    Nov 2, 2010
    I believe... I'll have some popcorn.
    Oddly and Russell L like this.
  18. gln1955

    gln1955 Supporting Member

    Aug 25, 2014
    Ohio, USA
    Well, possibly he finally took to heart what you said about not wanting to be in any more bands and realized he was taking advantage of your good heart. Is he not the best communicator?
  19. Plutonium244

    Plutonium244 Supporting Member

    Mar 29, 2015
    Maybe, indeed, since he knew you really weren't into doing gigs etc and being in a band per se, he assumed you would not be interested in continuing to do a lot of work for little to no pay. "I didn't enjoy doing this one thing, and then they stopped asking me to do the one thing, and I am not happy about it!" seems a tad bit off kilter. Jussayin'. Call him up. Ask him wassup. If he's your pal then I am sure the explanation will be innocuous., no need to fret. Be direct.
    Russell L and Joe Ty like this.
  20. Two-Spirit

    Two-Spirit Gold Supporting Member

    It's hard, you don't want to stay up until 2 am but you want to play. I'm looking for musicians to Jam with. When I run into somebody who I think is okay it turns out their crazy ass hell. Their 40 to 70 years old and still trying to get signed. Another thing I can't stand is singers or musicians who want to pretend they know every song ever written. How can you communicate with somebody like that.

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