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I hate AA! (rant) Advice?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by GeneralElectric, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. GeneralElectric


    Dec 26, 2007
    NY, NY
    Hi all,

    So TB I've been dating this girl who was my exgirlfriend. We've known each other since we were four, and had dated before but we broke up because of her drug/alcohol problem. However we've been back together for awhile now due to her trying to be sober.

    So she's been going to AA. Fine I support that. I've gone out of my way and put my life on hold to take her to meetings, pick her up, attend meetings when she didn't want to go alone. I was cool with that, no problem. I loved this girl and I really wanted her to get sober.

    So she's been doing the 12 steps, and is currently on step 3. She recently just got her own sponsor as well, and is rapidly approaching her 90 days. To surprise her I bought her a gold necklace I really can't afford (Two grand and I really don't know why I did it, just proud of her I guess) which I planned to give her when she got her 90 days.:eek:

    Over the week, we didn't talk much and I get a text "hey could you meet when I get out of this meeting at such and such place we need to talk" So I get there and we're talking and her sponsor told her she couldn't be in a relationship until she's completed the 12 steps. Now I was a little bit upset with that, but I do want her to get sober so I told her "yeah, alright, you need to do this.":meh: The rationale is that it'll make it easier for the person to concentrate on completing the 12 steps.

    Well it turns out her sponsor meant more than ending a relationship with me, but friendship as well.:mad: Mind you I'm the only person she talks to aside from her two cousins (whom she lives with) and people at AA. Great. I'm not even sure a sponsor can do that, or should do that.

    I can't talk to her, whenever I do, she tells me her sponsor doesn't want her talking to me. I'm only allowed one weekly phone call and I can't see her. (What is this prison?:()

    So I've come to the conclusion that I hate AA. With a burning passion. I've also come to the conclusion that it is a cult as well, cutting her off from everyone but fellow members. Now I know the program has helped a lot of people, and plenty of good people are members, but I'm very angry at it right now. (This last bit is a bit irrational I know, but its 6am and I haven't really slept in a few days)

    Any suggestions TB? I'm very angry and confused on what I should be doing right now.:help:
  2. Deacon_Blues


    Feb 11, 2007
    Sorry to hear that. :(

    I'm not familiar with AA or the 12-step method, but I really can't understand why shutting the contacts to her loved ones would be a good thing for her, except if they would try to get her into drinking again (which you wouldn't try to do, right?). I thought love and support from friends and boy/girlfriends was an important part of the process...
  3. Diggler


    Mar 3, 2005
    Western PA
    Become an alcoholic so that you can join AA with her.
  4. CrashClint

    CrashClint I Play Bass therefore I Am

    Nov 15, 2005
    Wake Forest, NC
    DR Strings Dealer (local only)
    Though very funny, I don't the advice would help. :p
  5. Jonyak


    Oct 2, 2007
    Ottawa, Ont
    isn't one of the steps accepting jesus into your life?
  6. fenderhutz

    fenderhutz Supporting Member

    Jan 28, 2007
    Harpers Ferry WV

    I'd rather let my liver rot and get leathery, yellowed skin.
  7. Diggler


    Mar 3, 2005
    Western PA
    Well, then he could always one-up her and join AAA.
  8. threshar


    Jul 30, 2002
    Some parts of AA are good, some parts not.

    You know what is scary? The success rate of AA is just about the same as those who do not use AA. They did an episode of Penn & Teller's BS on it. They were dumbfounded - AA's own published statistics. (On Penn's old radio show he was talking about how they actually went back to AA asking if there was a misprint or something in the data they were given) The biggest thing that helps for folks in AA is just the community aspect - a lot of folks in the same boat who can talk.

    I know if I was in a bad place, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be cut off from a relationship that is theoretically trying to help me. I can understand if it was say a crazy psycho gf who is driving you to drink.. but that doesn't sound like the case here.

    Good luck with it - hopefully things will work out for you in the end.
  9. stingray56funk

    stingray56funk Supporting Member

    Feb 16, 2005
    I will first preface that I have been working on a Masters in Agency Counseling and have had some classes on abuse as well as drug/alcohol counseling...but I'm not finished yet.

    I will say that it sounds like your "girlfriend's" Sponsor is who is to blame...not AA. I can't imaging AA saying to its participants that they need to "cut ties" with friends and relationships so they can focus on the 12 steps. The only way I would tell someone to "cut ties" is if that relationship or friendship was detrimental to their recovery from alcoholism and the addiction.

    Also...I would imagine that AA would desperately want their participants to remain in healthy relationships and friendships as to promote recovery and emotional/physical/mental wellbeing. The AA participant needs those relationships outside of AA to remain in the "real world" so to speak and have support outside of the "addiction therapy".

    With these things being said...it might also be detrimental to your "girlfriend" to tell her that her Sponsor is a "nut" and that she should request someone else. If she likes the Sponsor and seems to be progressing then that is a good thing...but it still sounds to me like the Sponsor is "taking advantage" or your girlfriend's mindset and telling her to do more than she needs to in order to recover.

    If I were you and you were truly concerned then I would contact an upper management person involved in AA where you live and voice your concerns with that person. That person should be able to 1) tell you if their policy is to instruct AA participants to "cut ties" with relationships and friendships for a while and 2) more about the Sponsor and whether the Sponsor needs to be reprimanded for giving false information to your girlfriend.

    That is my $0.12...$0.10 more since I will be charging for this time one day!
  10. Matt_W


    May 3, 2007
    Leeds, UK
    I really don't get how having you in her life (you seem to be a really positive influence) is a problem, but then I have never seen how applying the same 12 steps to everyone is productive - not everyone is the same! I also really don't see how relying on a God to help you out, over personal strength, friends, and other members of the group is productive. The need and the strength to change can only come from within.

    Personally, I think you have you head screwed on far better than her sponsor, and I would be inclined to suggest she gets a new one. Also, be careful that this guy isn't wielding his power to get in her pant - that might just be me being paranoid.

    Good luck.

    Edit: the guy above me gave better information, faster, listen to him.
  11. Jonyak


    Oct 2, 2007
    Ottawa, Ont
    this is the first thing I thought. but didn't wanna say.
  12. Diggler


    Mar 3, 2005
    Western PA
    Important question:

    Are YOU sober? As in cold-turkey sober?

    Otherwise maybe her sponsor has a thing for her.
  13. CrashClint

    CrashClint I Play Bass therefore I Am

    Nov 15, 2005
    Wake Forest, NC
    DR Strings Dealer (local only)
    True, if your are still drinking and hanging out in bars and bringing her along I could why the sponsor would not want her to see you. She needs to be out of that type of enviorment.

    On the other hand, if she is HOT!!! The Sponsor may be using his position to better his chances of being the sympathetic one for his own devious deeds.
  14. XtreO


    Jan 2, 2008
    I agree with you, AA is a cult. Like Los Illuminados! Watch out. They might be aming for world domination.
  15. TallLankyBastyd


    Jan 31, 2007
    No... accepting jesus isn't one of the 12 steps. "Accepting a power greater than yourself" is...

    If YOU are still drinking... she doesn't have a chance.

    Her sponsor is a moron... nobody ever finishes the 12 steps... they are a life long on going process for the alky!

    Personally, I went through drug/alky treatment center for about 40 days/nights... I lasted in AA about 6 months... listening to everyone whine about their D&A problems was only goig to drive me back to D&A!! I've been clean & sober for 22 years (knock on wood.) AA works for some people but not all... there are other treatment avenues...

    Best of luck to your girlfriend in her recovery. Oh... you may want to go to some Al-Anon meetings if she continues to go to AA... might help you in your dealing with us raving loony alkies!!

  16. Bryan316

    Bryan316 Banned

    Dec 20, 2006
    Her sponsor is trying to get into her pants.

    And he's suckered you into this scam as well.

    Assassinate the sponsor.
  17. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    What does your girl have to say about the no contact thing? Is she cool with it? Upset?

  18. Matt_W


    May 3, 2007
    Leeds, UK
    GeneralElectric, if you need any of us to go round to this guys house and pour a bottle of vodka down his neck, then leave him somewhere where he can make a very public ass out of himself, just ask.

    We look out for our own....whatever that own is.... the fraternity of non-douches, maybe?:ninja:
  19. bigfatbass

    bigfatbass Banned

    Jun 30, 2003
    Upstate NY
    Endorsing Artist: Karl Hoyt Basses
    The sponsor is trying to get in her pants.

    I would bet money on that.

    In no part of the 12 steps is what he is describing part of the plan. One call a week? Either she is making up an excuse to distance herself, or her sponsor is a total dirt bag. Either way, expensive jewelry is definitely not the gift for the moment. Return that chain, mang.

    Go directly to the top and talk to the head of her chapter meetings and explain the situation. Clarification from people directly involved in her process will do a lot to ease you mind. Bad sponsors make for very, very, BAD results and any AA program worth a shoot will be glad to know you care enough to ask questions.

    That being said, do you drink, or would you ever drink around her?
  20. peterbright


    Jan 23, 2007
    On The Bayou
    Don't know who is misrepresenting here...the sponsor or the alcoholic girl friend, but one of them is.

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