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I have been betrayed

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by bagpipeswest, Feb 16, 2014.

  1. bagpipeswest


    Apr 30, 2013
    Victoria BC
    Heys guy
    I need your input,

    I'm in a 60's 70's British rock band (cover). I've there for four years. we have 4 members. lead started the band, drums came in 14 months ago, and the a female singer showed up 5 months ago. We gig about 1 a month. like to have more. We practice once a week.

    In mid Jan I lost my son by him taking his own life. This is the worst situation that anyone can go through. I don't want to go into detail, but if you not sure what a person goes through please look it up.

    I am or I thought I was, buds with the lead. he help me through as best he could, going out for a coffee a couple of times. Almost two weeks later, I make it to practice.

    Because of my situation I have to move out of the house. I was offed a job (navy) which is 2 hours away and I took it.
    Now I dont know if I really got it until April, then I would move in June. I said to the lead that I would drive down a practice.

    Music is a great healing tool. So 2 weeks after my first time back I inquire about practicing again and I found out that they have interviewed a bass player.

    So from start to finish, from mid Jan to early Feb they have found a replacement. They tell me that no decisions have been made.

    How much time should they give me to grieve? I feel betrayed.

    I did make my intentions known. And they did all of this with out talking to me.

    your input please. If I missed anything , Ask
  2. Kmonk


    Oct 18, 2012
    South Shore, Massachusetts
    Endorsing Artist: Fender, Spector, Ampeg, Curt Mangan Strings
    First of all, sorry for your loss. I have a 24 year old son and can't even imagine what you are going through.

    Unfortunately, many bands are run like a business. Most companies give 3 to 5 days time off for bereavement but if you are in a band and the BL is really a friend, he should understand if you need more time. In 2013, I lost my uncle, my mother and my wife's aunt, in that order within 3 months. I decided to leave my band so I could focus on settling my mother's estate and help my wife get through losing her aunt as well as losing my mother. I left the band on good terms and returned 2 months later. They did two gigs without me which I was told did not go well.

    I have a feeling there is another reason that they replaced you and they are just using your situation as an excuse. Let it go, leave on good terms. They might realize that they made a mistake and ask you to go back.
  3. bagpipeswest


    Apr 30, 2013
    Victoria BC
    to add
    we were all very close friends , we would do things (family) together outside of music.

    I think, even thinking of replacing this soon is wrong. interviewing with another bass player is very wrong.
  4. Zooberwerx

    Zooberwerx Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 21, 2002
    Virginia Beach, VA
    All I can add: for every door that closes, another one (...or two!) opens. This relates to every aspect of life: loves, family, job, etc.

    Very sorry to hear of your loss. There is a huge cosmic hand that will point you along the correct path...keep your eyes peeled.

  5. aprod

    aprod Supporting Member

    Mar 11, 2008
    Time to grieve may not be the issue. You are moving 2 hours away and that could be a logistical nightmare. Maybe you should bow out gracefully and keep your friendships intact.
  6. Ben Rose

    Ben Rose

    Jan 12, 2004
    First of all, very sorry to hear what you have gone/are going through. I hope music can remain your steadfast partner through this period; I know it has helped me through some tough times. I think the question you are asking "how much time should they give me to grieve", while perhaps relevant, is not a helpful question for you to ask at this point in time. You need as much time as YOU need, and you may not even know how long that is at this point. Coming up with an defined period of time, whether by group consensus or through some other source is putting a constraint on a process that doesn't need to be there at this point.

    It may be more beneficial at this stage to think of the many ways music can console you on your own, whether that is through a dedicated practice routine or simply through listening over headphones, and to look for new music partners near or on the base. When I went through a rough period, it was very helpful for me to have a focused goal to get me through the first few months. It was something to do every day that made me happy. That's a lot tougher to do when it requires four hours of driving.

    Good luck.
  7. First - I'm so sorry to read about your son passing, and I send my condolences. As for healing time - that can be different for everyone. I suggest taking all the time you need to heal, you'll never completely heal but time will help. As for the band - I'd just forget about it until after you get relocated and settled in - then rejoin the old and or find another one closer to where you live. 4 hours roundtrip 4 times a month will get really old pretty quick. Anyway, again I'm very sorry for you lost - hang in there, and best wishes.
  8. SirMjac28

    SirMjac28 Patiently Waiting For The Next British Invasion

    Aug 25, 2010
    The Great Midwest
    I'm also sorry to hear about your loss and you have my prayers are they just looking for a backup? you said no decision had been made. I really think they have your best interests at heart no one can even imagine what you're going through maybe a band sit down is in order to air out any feelings is in order.
  9. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Very sorry to hear about your son. Healing from that must be the top priority.

    I agree the band's conduct is totally unacceptable. If they're concerned you're not going to be keeping up your end, they should talk to you about it and let you prove your reliability, or prove that you can't keep it up. Going behind your back to replace you like that is wrong. I do agree that you'd probably find it not worthwhile to do a 2-hour commute for a band, but that's your call - there's no reason to fire someone until they've actually shown they can't come through.
  10. Stinsok

    Stinsok Supporting Member

    Dec 16, 2002
    Central Alabama
    I'm sorry you found out what kind of people they are this way. Move on and find better folks to play with.
  11. ChrisB2

    ChrisB2 Bass... in your fass

    Feb 27, 2008
    TalkBass > Off Topic
    So sorry for your loss. You have my condolences.

    Yes, business is business, but this was a band of friends, not a faceless corporation. I totally agree, you were betrayed. :scowl:
  12. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    I can only offer my condolences, and wish some healing for you. I don't have anything constructive to say about the band situation, other than you know what's in your heart, and how you should feel about it, and you should go with your own instincts. You certainly have my sympathy. I hope you can find a way to make something positive come out of it. Maybe find some better people to play with. Maybe take some time off. I don't really know.
  13. Sorry to hear about your son, I have 4 kids, and could not think of how much pain you must feel. I also agree with our fellow bass friends here that it wasn't right to fire you. Friends help friends in times of need . Move forward from here knowing you now have an angel watching over you!
  14. nukes_da_bass

    nukes_da_bass Banned

    Feb 19, 2006
    west suburban boston
    People prey on the weakness of others and kick us when we are down.
    Right now my company is getting slammed financially and I'm playing a giant game of poker with my contractors trying not to show my financial weakness otherwise some of them will quit and I could go under.
    Your band mates are d! Cks! Someone had to say it. Sadly the "kick us while we're down" syndrome is all too human. I think we evolved from hyena. Sorry about your son, as a parent it's my worst fear.
  15. SlingBass4


    Feb 28, 2009
    Kansas City
    I never thought I'd live to see the same situation with several people I know. Nothing could be more difficult to deal with. My heartfelt condolences go out to you.

    The band was very part-time, IMO, with only playing out once a month. They probably had a CYA mentality when they proceeded without your thoughts or approval to begin the hunt. Betrayal may be strong...maybe not. They certainly showed a lack of compassion under the circumstances (your longevity in the group for one - your situation, another). Let it go. Part of healing is moving on. There should be a number of places to jam and make music with new folks. Do so ;)
  16. bagpipeswest


    Apr 30, 2013
    Victoria BC
    Many responses so quickly and I thanks you all from my heart.

    Please continue, it truly helps.

    for the most part, you all agree what they did was inappropriate and its time to move on.

    I'm picking up my stuff from the BL in two hours from now. I will leave on good terms today. later on Should I let them know what they did was wrong or let it go?

    They wish to Jam with me at some point but what's the point.
  17. So sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences.

    As for the band, it is not clear if you were betrayed necessarily but it sounds like communication could have been better. It could be that the band decided to use the situation to replace you, it could be they felt you would benefit from some personal time away and were looking at other players as just temporary CYA to keep the band going for gigs, it could be something else. There is only one way to find out - talk it through.
  18. Just let it go - at least for now, and think about what you should or shouldn't do later - later on.
  19. As a father, I cannot comprehend your bigger situation. My only input is that if they do not see how replacing you so quickly is showing incredibly poor form, you likely can't explain it to them. I really do believe that the are better opportunities out there for you.
  20. StrangerDanger

    StrangerDanger Neo Maxie Zoom Dweebie Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2010
    North DFW, TX
    It might be one thing to hire a temp if they were gigging every week but it doesnt sound like the most high profile successful band in town. There is always more to the story but I imagine they are just a bunch of asshol3s.