I need advice badly

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Bob Clayton, Jun 29, 2004.

  1. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Deptford, NJ
    I am friends with this girl, we used to date but now we are just friends. And I know she still likes me. She said that ever since we broke up she says that she feels numb inside and that she has no reason to live (this was 6 months ago). She just told me that she was rushed to the hospital today for blood loss. She cut herself and passed out. Now she is begging me for help saying that I am the only one that can.

    What should I do?
  2. Trevorus


    Oct 18, 2002
    Urbana, IL
    She needs to see a counselor, bad. Very bad codependency problems, and a sense of abandonment. Tell her that that is not the way to get your attention.
  3. Very tragic love story... you should send that plot in to the "Young an the Restless"

    trying to lighten things up
  4. Figjam


    Aug 5, 2003
    Boston, MA
    Yup. Professional help is needed. Tell her family if they dont know already.
  5. grovest


    Feb 26, 2002
    Are you and her in the same highschool? If so I would tell the school counselor about it. But, if she actually did go to the hospital for cutting herself her parents are probably already aware.
  6. Why don't you try to comfort her a little? You can't possibly hate her that much, but go to her house every once in awhile and have a good time with her. Go out to a movie, or dinner, or something, just as friends. If that doesn't help, then go to the counselor if she's still cutting herself.
  7. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Deptford, NJ
    Trevorus- she won't listen to me when i say to get help. she has been depressed before and seen someone, but in her words, "it didn't do **** but make me feel worse"

    Figjam- her family does know

    WoodyGroves- we are not in the same highschool, we live an hour away

    i like tictacs- i don't hate her at all, but it's very hard for me to comfort her when i am the reason she is doing this (because she misses me so much). and it's not like i can stop by her house anytime, she lives an hour away.. thats 2 hours round trip.. that's alot of gas
  8. Aaron Saunders

    Aaron Saunders

    Apr 27, 2002
    I think Figjam was talking about if the parents know the girl's motivation for cutting herself.

    One word: Counsellor. You don't go to the counsellor if she's "still" cutting herself, you've got to do it now, because the longer this continues without professional help, the more it gets worse. Going to a movie/dinner/whatever "just as friends" would be clear to you, but the girl's obviously psychologically out of it, and you might give her the wrong idea -- you don't want to date her, I would assume?

    Clay, listen man...sometimes, it doesn't matter what we do. Sometimes, life just sees fit to kick you in the pants, and if things turn out for the worse, don't blame yourself. She's hurting deep, and she might be beyond your help. Give what you can, but know that it might not be enough. She needs professional help, and don't hesitate to do what you can to get her that help.
  9. Benjamin Strange

    Benjamin Strange Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Owner / Tech: Strange Guitarworks
    You are not the reason she is doing this. She is doing it to herself. She's very insecure and is projecting that guilt on to you by making you think that you're the cause of it. She needs to get over it, and seek some help of some sort. Don't blame yourself for other people's problems.
  10. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Deptford, NJ
    i know i am not the blame, i should have made myself more clear. it is hard to get through to someone who thinks you are the cause of their problems.
  11. Nick man

    Nick man

    Apr 7, 2002
    Tampa Bay
    I suggest you take time to talk to her. Spend time with her and comfort her. Try to help her through the other issues in her life. Im guessing you were like a drug to her that helped block out the garbage that hurt. Taking the drug isnt going to make the problems go away. You say you are her friend so that should be fairly easy to do honestly.

    Make sure she knows your intentions are only friendly though.
  12. Dr. Strange nailed it. I know you clarified and understand, but it's so important that I will emphasize it yet again:

    You are not the reason she is doing this. She is doing it to herself.

    Negatory, good buddies. I know you guys mean well, but I have to say flat-out that that would be the worst thing to do. Heeding that advice would make matters far worse, both for the girl and for clay.

    This girl urgently needs the attention of mental health professionals, not amateur psychologizing from an 18 year old no matter how good his intentions are.

    I looked at your profiles to see how old you two are. tictacs, you didn't list your birthdate, but my guess is you're about the same age as Nick man. The reason I looked is because this advice seems to come from a point in life at which you may not have had sufficient encounters with people like clay's acquaintance to really understand how toxic such a relationship can be to both parties, and how unlikely it is that clay can actually help her by doing what you suggest. In fact, by following your advice he would enable her to continue to avoid her real problems.

    It is not my intent to disparage youth or idealism or compassion, but after you've dealt with a few people with emotional issues of that girl's nature you learn that to do what you're suggesting a) adds fuel to the fire (she will interpret any attention from him to validate her attraction), and b) entangles you into a situation that has no upside. The girl will only heal when she is prepared to, and there's no indication that she wants to. It sounds like she wants to feel better; what she really needs is to be cured. It's not the same thing, and being cured is painful.

    The only thing clay could look forward to would be increased levels of guilt being dumped on him, a sense of helplessness, and being emotionally manipulated. As a capper, if she did end up getting professional help and succeeded in turning herself around, it's almost guaranteed that she'd terminate her relationship with clay because she would associate him with the hell that her life was at the time, as well as feeling shame for having behaved as she did toward him. It's not fair, but we're not dealing with a rational person here.

    It's important to be compassionate, but from what clay laid out, compassion coming from him would almost certainly be misinterpreted and actually dufus her healing. It's not to say she can't be helped; it's unlikely though that clay is the one that can help her.

    Clay, I think the best you can do is to talk with her parents in private, let them know of your concerns for her well-being, and tell them you're not going to be in contact with her anymore, for her sake.

    This is the second thread in recent days where I've given the same advice. I actually have a great deal of compassion for people, but I've been through enough stuff to know that there are situations where walking away is really the best, most compassionate thing you can do.

  13. Nick man

    Nick man

    Apr 7, 2002
    Tampa Bay
    I should have mentioned that she definetly needs profesional help.

    I was just saying that he shouldnt drop her even though its definetly a scary situation. As her friend he should try to be there for her for support through the professional therapy.
  14. I see the main problem with this being that she seems to not want help. Telling someone to go to a therapist is fine if they can admit that they have a problem and want to change. If they can't and don't want to, therapy is pointless. The old joke "how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if they want to change" is very true.

    I agree with mycranium (again) that trying to sit down and talk to her rationally with the little life experience that an 18 year old can have and(I'm 18 myself) without proper training in psychology is not going to help. You are only reinforcing the behaviour by staying around. By running to help her out she is getting attention and thus what she wants. Its clear that she wants one thing and thats a relationship. She hasn't done this because she fears that she's losing your friendship. Therefore, the only thing you can do for this girl is to make it clear as you can that you're not interested by staying clear. It may not seem nice, it may be hard but its the best thing. Consider yourself an addiction - for her, being with you is both pleasure and pain. The only way to give her pleasure is to be with her all the time and the only way to cure the addiction is to sever all ties. You have three options - 1) take her back, with the possibility of things getting so much worse, 2) keep it the same as it is now and continue to hurt her or 3) cut all communication and let her heal.

    Emotions and first instincts are often counterintuitive to what is most beneficial. I hope you make the right choice.

    BTW - great post, mycranium.

  15. Ty McNeely

    Ty McNeely

    Mar 27, 2000

    I have to say that I agree with EVERYTHING you said EXCEPT what you said above.

    Talking to her parents in private is one thing, but to cut off all contact with her could turn out VERY badly. If she is indeed using his attention as an excuse to cut herself, it could worsen matters.

    Clay, what Mike said is right on. You are *NOT* qualified to treat nor should you have to deal with the types of problems she is going to throw at you. In my opinion the best thing to do would be to do anything and everything possible to get her to see a counselor, and if she didn't like the last one, tell her to go to a new one.

    Stay in contact with her only enough to appease her. Don't let on anything that might get her hopes up or give her the wrong idea.
  16. Ty McNeely

    Ty McNeely

    Mar 27, 2000
    Agreed completely.

    He should just make it very, VERY clear that he has no intentions of ever starting a relationship, and don't do anything that could indicate such.
  17. Josh Ryan

    Josh Ryan - that dog won't hunt, Monsignor. Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    Clay, it is nice of you to be supportive but she needs a proffesional to help her get herself into a mental space that's OK. I wonder, if you get too involved might it make her dependency worse?
  18. If you see her and she looks at you leaving it will just escalate her problem. Do not come into eye contact with her.
  19. cheezewiz


    Mar 27, 2002
    Clay...there is NOTHING you can do for her. She really needs professional help. The cutting thing can get to be pretty serious. Don't be cold or unfriendly to her, but don't initiate any contact yourself. She needs to find support within her family and the professional community.

    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member


    You can stay as her friend but i dont reccomend getting romanticly envolved with someone with self destructive patterns.Try and get her some help. Let us know how it is going.