I need serious advice please.

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by slipknotmaggot3, Jan 13, 2015.


  1. slipknotmaggot3

    slipknotmaggot3

    Feb 23, 2014
    Florida
    I'm not sure if this is the right section for this but I need advice...

    Basically the rundown is this: I found out I may get the opportunity to have one of my bands open for a major rock act, and I'm talking internationally recognized (Not gonna say who simply because it's still in the works) and if it goes through, it would conflict with an event in my other band. After explaining the situation to the leader of said band, whom I am very good friends with, He gives me this long rant about commitments and that I was being unprofessional. Basically he is expecting me to give up this chance which would be a boost for my career and I don't want to damage my friendship with this person. I stopped speaking to him until we both calm down but despite relaxing and having calmed down, I only see one clear answer right now and that's quitting my friend's band...I mean, I've put up with a lot of crap with this friend's band and never complained or asked for anything. The first time I ask for a little leniency I get called unprofessional and that I'm hurting his and our bandmate's reputation.

    Long story short...what would you do in this situation? I honestly don't know...
     
    Zodion and Capt.Obvious like this.
  2. s0c9

    s0c9 Supporting Member

    Jan 9, 2014
    Ft.Worth/Dallas
    1964 Audio artist, Fractal Audio Beta Tester
    I had a friend (now deceased) who many years ago was asked to go on a 1-yr tour with a well-known rock band. He'd just bought a house and would have had to have his folks take over payments for a while or rent it out. He decided not to go after weighing things.
    2 yrs later I found out (during a heavy drinking session) that it had been for an assistant sound-dude for Pink Floyd's Division Bell tour to Japan, etc.
    I'd have given my left nut to take that job.... he forever regretted that decision.

    I know what my decision would be.. Your friend will get over it - if he's a real friend. Sounds like there's some jealousy going on.
    I'd sure not hold it against any friend for doing something like you want.
     
  3. Joebarnes

    Joebarnes

    Oct 4, 2011
    Surrey, BC
    How big is the event for the other band? Sounds like a monster opportunity. If its "just" another gig, I think it might be a little over the top for the BL of the second band to get that wound up, and for you to quit. Is there an opportunity to hire a sub?

    End of the day, the opportunity may not even present itself, and you have been more than upfront with your other BL by advising him before the opportunity was even finalized. I'm assuming he knows you're in multiple bands and that there might be the chance of overlap. If he can't accept that, it might be time for you to (gracefully) step aside. That being said, I'm sure he's just disappointed at the situation and you both can probably come to a resolution after a day or two of cooling off and then a second calm discussion.
     
  4. INTP

    INTP

    Nov 28, 2003
    Dallas, TX
    Are you quitting because of the hypothetical other gig, or because he called you unprofessional? or is it because you put up with a lot of crap? This last one sounds to me like you have some pent up resentment and that you haven't had good boundaries in the past. I could be reading too much into it, but it sounds like you have created a strong precedent for unequal treatment with the "friend". Changing such a strongly established precedent is hard to do, when it is even possible.

    I'm totally reading into things. If I'm off base, ignore this.

    As far as how to handle it, it would be easier to comment if we knew some specifics. Is this a cover band with common tunes, and a sub would be easy, or is this an all original prog rock band with complex arrangements?

    And being in multiple bands is going to lead to conflicts. The best time to sort them out is to be upfront about expectations, lead times, etc.
     
  5. INTP

    INTP

    Nov 28, 2003
    Dallas, TX
    Are you quitting because of the hypothetical other gig, or because he called you unprofessional? or is it because you put up with a lot of crap? This last one sounds to me like you have some pent up resentment and that you haven't had good boundaries in the past. I could be reading too much into it, but it sounds like you have created a strong precedent for unequal treatment with the "friend". Changing such a strongly established precedent is hard to do, when it is even possible.

    I'm totally reading into things. If I'm off base, ignore this.

    As far as how to handle it, it would be easier to comment if we knew some specifics. Is this a cover band with common tunes, and a sub would be easy, or is this an all original prog rock band with complex arrangements?

    And being in multiple bands is going to lead to conflicts. The best time to sort them out is to be upfront about expectations, lead times, etc.
     
  6. Polfuste

    Polfuste

    Sep 10, 2010
    South France
    Is it a real friend ? If yes, he must tell you "Go, man ! Take this chance !"
    What to do ? Explain to your friend that you will not have this opportunity everyday, and if he can't understand that, he's a d***. Then if he's a d***, leave the band. Sometimes friends can become d***
    In my ex band (i left them 5 years ago for moving in another place), drummer and guitarist were friends since they're 12 years old. (they actually have 47 years old).
    Drummer was not the best drummer of the world but they could play.
    Last year they make a disc with compositions from guitarist and chick singer. Not in a professionnal way: each have a day job and do it for pleasure only. Nice tunes, but they completely dictated the drum playing to drummer. He was ok with that. Eventually they had a big shop sold a bunch of their disc. At this moment, the guitarist EGO became a big big baloon.
    Then few concerts arrived and that was not really magic.
    To avoid to say "hey my friend, we would like to play with another drummer, cause you're not really in the feeling we have with these compositions".. or whatever honnest thing, he just sent a texto to say "we're splitting, i'm fed up with the band". Drummer called him, and guitarist started with bulls*** about drummer playing, ideas, etc..;, then he wanted to do other things, perhaps more acoustic, bla bla bla..
    Ok. Drummer was a little sad, they played together since ten years. (5 with me, 5 with another bassplayer) but that's life.
    Two weeks after, guitarist and the other bandmates have founded a new band with a new drummer, a new name, with the same track list.
    Drummer wife saw guitarist wife and do you know what guitarist wife said ? "after all, they've had just music in common"... 34 years of friendship in the garbage, just because the guitarist have NO balls, and BIG ego.
    The worst is i've had the gui**** after that on the phone, and he tried to convince me that drummer was a mess to deal with , etc etc. I stopped him: "man, i was in this band during 5 years you know and drummer is the only guy i've kept contact, as he's really the nicest guy you can find. Stop your bulls***." end of the story..
     
  7. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Connecticut
    1 Can you get a sub?
    2 Can the band reasonably reschedule the date, without messing up relations with the venue?

    If the answer to either is yes, your friend is out of line IMO. If no, in his eyes, you are taking money from his pocket, and hurting his ban's rep, and unless you had an agreement on handling conflicts, nothing personal, but he has his priorities - you have yours.

    Calm down, assess your alternatives quickly, and have a sit down with the guy.
     
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  8. viper4000

    viper4000

    Aug 17, 2010
    Charlotte
    A true friend would be happy and eager to help you schedule a sub or reschedule gig
    A truly good business partner would be happy and eager to help you schedule a sub or reschedule gig
    I've been in a similar situation and my regular band cheered me on (we cancelled a gig), and my 9-5 day job manager let me take the days off to do it.

    Only an egotistical jerk would be upset at this scenario.
     
    pudgychef, TheBear, Larry V and 2 others like this.
  9. This scenario shud have been already discussed with both bands. So your plan B is to quit a band that you have told "I'll be there" which is a very amateur move IMHO and stick them to play a show with no bassist. I'm in two bands and I have a sub for both OR the calendar says I'm not available. He called you unprofessional because thats how your acting. If you can't handle being in two bands then don't be in two bands. Don't get pissed, I just call it like I see it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
  10. slipknotmaggot3

    slipknotmaggot3

    Feb 23, 2014
    Florida
    Basically, it's an originals band but nothing we have is overly complicated and a replacement could pick them up very quickly. Before I joined, the guy toured for a year with just a drummer and him which is why I'm wondering why doing that for one show would be doomsday for him. Mostly the issues I've had in this band is the guy can be a tremendous diva at times and living with his ego can be an issue. My main reason for wanting to quit is because I put up with all of it because I enjoyed playing and his friendship but the fact that the one time I ask to deviate from his way, it becomes a huge problem for him.
     
  11. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Connecticut
    I understand the diva attitude. Independent of this issue, do you want to quit? If so, then this issue doesn't matter - quit. If not, as I said, work out alternatives, get names of subs, and have a quick sit down - see what he is willing to do.
     
  12. RustyAxe

    RustyAxe

    Jul 8, 2008
    Connecticut
    Do you own your career, or does your band leader? If the gig really is a big opportunity for you (some things aren't quite what they appear to be) and that's what you want ... do it. That said, I turned down two lucrative gigs last summer that conflicted with my main band, even though I'd spoken to the band leader and he had no problem getting a sub for those nights. The gigs would've paid nicely but wouldn't have taken me anywhere I wanted to go.
     
    Zodion likes this.
  13. Runnerman

    Runnerman Registered Bass Player Supporting Member

    Mar 14, 2011
    I say don't quit but take the high profile gig. Make him fire you. Offer a sub, if he will take one fine and you preserve your spot. If not then you have at least done what you wanted and needed to do. My guess is he won't fire you, might get mad and all that but if you are a key player you are hard to replace. If the high profile gig works out you can always quit later if needed.
     
  14. PaperbackRyder

    PaperbackRyder Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 21, 2007
    Maynard, MA
    is the opening slot just for one gig locally or a whole tour?
     
  15. Quite simply -" it's better to regret something you did do then to regret something you didn't do" - Take the gig you may never get the opportunity again.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
  16. Yango

    Yango Suspended

    Just do the show. I wouldn't quit, I'd tell the BL that I'm doing it, and hope that we can pick up where we left off afterwards. If he freaks, well, too bad for him.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
  17. gln1955

    gln1955 Supporting Member

    Aug 25, 2014
    Ohio, USA
    What would the leader of band B (the one you'd be subbing out of, quitting, or whatever) do if the shoe were on the other foot. If you can't say for sure that he would pass up a similar golden opportunity, then there's your answer.
     
  18. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Connecticut
    Again, difference if it is one local show, or the tour. Huge difference.
     
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  19. INTP

    INTP

    Nov 28, 2003
    Dallas, TX
    This is my personal bias, but I have a pretty low tolerance for narcissistic behavior. I also have a low tolerance for people who try to control me. Having said that, life is about trade-offs, and you have to make the choices based on your own weighting of the costs and benefits. In this field, we will have to deal with egos, unfortunately.

    This has kind of been said, but I'd separate the quitting of the band vs. taking the opportunity. This might be the last straw, but if you can make the decisions independently you're more likely to end up with an outcome that you're happy with in the long term.

    I also agree with Crazy_Jake. There are far more things I regret not doing than things I regret doing. Not always, but mostly.
     
  20. If it were me, I'd see if the major act spot can be done. If it falls apart, no loss to diva and you play the gig you originally signed on for. If the major act spot happens, then you got to make the call.
     
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