...and thought ya'll might get a kick out of it. I did! NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY 1. Never start a trio with a married couple. 2. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. 3. No one cares who you've opened for. 4. A string section does not make your songs sound more "important." 5. When you talk on stage you are never funny (unless you're a comedy group). 6. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?"). 7. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk -- don't do it. 8. Never name a song after your band. 9. Never name your band after a song. 10. Never enter a battle of the bands contest. If you do, you're already a loser. 11. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: Rock opera, white rapper, blues jam, swing band, open mic, etc. 12. Either break it to your parents or we will -- it's rock and roll, not a soccer game -- they've got to stop coming to your shows. 13. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. 14. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends and boyfriends are for. 15. Yes, we can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got you for Christmas. 16. If blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16-year-olds play them? 17. Things that are never coming back: Gongs, headbands and playing guitar with a mic stand, a beer bottle, or your teeth.