Inside tips from the band to all you eager audience members.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by Petebass, Oct 24, 2005.

  1. Petebass


    Dec 22, 2002
    QLD Australia
    When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a few bars! We musicians have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

    If we tell you that we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory.

    If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

    If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song via telepathy. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break.

    It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

    Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

    When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

    Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar/bass players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

    The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

    Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

    If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, & the louder you should sing.

    If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo.

    Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will take this as a compliment.

    As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
  2. AuG


    May 22, 2005
    Fort Collins, CO
    Awesome. Did anyone give you the Su-Fi? :D

  3. mikemulcahy


    Jun 13, 2000
    The Abyss

    This is a classic. May I have your permission to post this is our practice house?

  4. SteveC


    Nov 12, 2004
    North Dakota
    Great post. Unfortunately, the people that need to "get it" wouldn't have a chance at grasping the sarcasm.

    Very entertaining to read for those of us "in the know".
  5. DaveDeVille

    DaveDeVille ... you talkin' to me ?? Supporting Member

    Petebass ,
    just a few tips you forgot to mention ...

    sure , the equipment is expensive and unweildy , but the band
    loves it when you help take apart the PA system { especially when
    you attempt to unplug the PA system with your size twelve clod hoppers }

    drummers love it when you start taking apart their kits , try it !!
    all those little parts , just throw them in that big black box over there ...

    keyboard players also love help , just be sure to keep screaming
    that your cousin's band lets you pack their gear ...

    but especially the guitar player ... he's a personal friend of yours .
    go tell him he's great , be sure to hang your arms around his neck
    while you tell him he's great !

    oh yeah , and drink more whiskey , cuz the band really loves you !!
  6. DblG


    Apr 27, 2005
    Buffalo, NY
    I think I'm having a deja-vu.
  7. JimmyM

    JimmyM Supporting Member

    Apr 11, 2005
    Apopka, FL
    Endorsing: Ampeg Amps, EMG Pickups
    Whine whine whine! Looks like we just moved to Whine Country. Want some cheese with your whine? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all your whining.

    Yes, while it's funny to have contempt for your audience and base your perceptions of all audiences on the actions of a few nimrods, the fact is that the person/people described are usually one or two people out of dozens. The vast majority of audience members are respectful, polite, and despite protestations to the contrary, can tell a good band from a bad one. I don't know how many times I hear things like "audiences are stupid and won't notice mistakes," or similar things, and it's just not true. I will admit to getting compliments from people when I thought we sounded like dog poop, but even at our worst, we're still pretty good, so I just chalk it up to that. I don't know how many times I've walked through a crowd with a lousy band playing and had people tell me, "We can't wait for you guys to come back because this band sucks."

    So maybe if you're having trouble relating to your audiences, maybe it's not them.
  8. DaveDeVille

    DaveDeVille ... you talkin' to me ?? Supporting Member

    are you through patting yourself on the back ...?

    lighten up dude , this is a funny thread , or don't you get it ?
  9. Juneau


    Jul 15, 2004
    Dallas, TX.
    "You know, there are many decaffinanted brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing."

    PS Ill give a cookie to anyone who knows what movie the quote is from :)
  10. Petebass


    Dec 22, 2002
    QLD Australia
    Moike, hang it where-ever musicians will see it.

    JimmyM, lighten up! If I actually meant any of this in a bad way, I wouldn't be so in love with performing live. It's all part of the fun........
  11. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Dave, he never gets it.

  12. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Everytime I hear this, I think "Real Genius" (Val Kilmer)... :D
  13. Juneau


    Jul 15, 2004
    Dallas, TX.
    Ok, where do I mail the cookie? :)

    "Im serious Knight"

    "Me too Jerry"
  14. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
  15. mikemulcahy


    Jun 13, 2000
    The Abyss

    In case I forgot....

    :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:

  16. Ryan L.

    Ryan L. Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 7, 2000
    West Fargo, ND
    Chill out. Take the story for what it is---funny. Well, to those with a sense of humor, anyway. :meh:
  17. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    This is old. It was here perhaps a year ago. Sorry.
  18. JimmyM

    JimmyM Supporting Member

    Apr 11, 2005
    Apopka, FL
    Endorsing: Ampeg Amps, EMG Pickups
    Oh, this was a humorous thread? Sorry.

    Good one!

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D