Interfering wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Hutton Steel, Jan 21, 2006.

  1. Apart from the Beatles has anyone had any experience of wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends affecting the equilibrium of the band by having too much influence and/or directly interfering? I would like to know your experiences and what the consequences were.
  2. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder encridublee smatr

    Nov 22, 2004
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Well I don't really think this is the same situation, b ut our lead singer is a single guy in his mid forties and can still pull the chicks. rest of the band is married and has families so our time rehearsing is time away from them. Everything goes well until his latest shows up and it goes downhill. We play all the stuff we already know instead of tightening stuff that needs work. We essentially become his "backup band" to impress his chicks. I like playing in front of people and tend to step it up when doing so but we don't get anything done. It isn't like the girlfrriends have any direct influence but, nothing gets accomplished. Probably not what you were thinking but the interference with rehearsal may be similar.
  3. My answer would be no, I have never been in a situation were a band mates significant other had an influence on a bands direction, but I think I know more divorced musicians than married.

    Some have gotten divorced because of a band and the time away from the family and some get back into bands because they just got divorced and now have the time to play. I guess this would be the result of the lack of interest or support from a significant other.
  4. I have run across this with the occasional wife of a band member.

    I generally tell them that they are fired. When they say, you cna't fire me I'm not in the band, I say, exactly so mind your own frigging business.
  5. sloppysubs


    Nov 24, 2002
    Swansboro, NC
    First band I was ever in.

    We were all particularily green, however, my guitar player was dating this girl that he was completely moo moo for. Anyway, he would have her... and sometimes her friends come to our practices. Totally killed the creative vibe if we were trying to do new stuff. Also he always got a little more showman-like when she (or they) were around. Not to mention, when his girlfriend wasn't there I'd catch him glancing at himself in the mirror (if one was available) while rehearsing.

    Me personally, I never like anyone 'sitting in' on or viewing our practices because I felt that was the bands time to work, make new music, discuss stuff etc without any outside (at least for those few hours) influences. So when people have other third party people around it kills it for me.

    Oh well.
  6. steve21

    steve21 Banned

    Not direct interference or too much influence, but Jason Newstead left metallica because all the other dudes had wives and/or kids and Jason didn't, so while the other guys could spend time with their families instead of 100% metallica, jason only had 100% metallica, so when the rest of Metallica was doing stuff, Jason went off to do other sideprojects which lead to him leaving.
  7. hahaha, man thats beautiful!
  8. The band I'm in is a mess around, have fun with a bunch of buddies kind of group. We got together in high school and we're still going halfway through college. Our guitar player started dating this one succubus and she took the life right out of him. He doesn't hang out with us as much, social life took a serious hit and he thinks he's about done with the band. We've all seen our share of relationships over the past 5 years, but this one is bad.

    The she-devil took my friend and guitar player away from me.:bawl:
  9. FriscoBassAce


    Dec 29, 2004
    Frisco, Texas
    Independent Manufacturers Representative
    I once had a guitarist get ga-ga over a girl who was very religious. He started dating her, and then she started making him go to Revival Meetings. One day as we were gathering for practice, he comes into the studio and says "I can't play with you guys." Since we were on the cusp of moderate success, we didn't get what he was saying at first. So we then asked him when he could rehearse, seeing that he had something happening for that night. Then he said, "No. I mean I can't ever play with you guys again." We laughed, thinking it was a joke. When we saw he wasn't laughing, our laughs soon turned to confusion. He then said, "I've seen the light!" Again, confused looks all around. Finally he says, "I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I cannot be in a band with you heathens any longer!"

    We were literally stunned. No one moved or said a word. He then told us to remove our stuff from his studio and leave. And that's what we did. He owned the studio, the PA, and was one of the best guitarists I've ever known. And he was only 18 at the time. We were devastated and our band fell apart not too long after. We only played one more gig. It just felt awful without him with us.

    Now, these days, it's my drummer's wife that's driving me bonkers. He is new to town, and his wife is afraid of driving because the people here drive REALLY fast. So we had been having practices on Saturday afternoons since the band was started. Now he wants to either have no practices on Saturday, or every other Saturday starting at 10:00 or 11:00 in the morning. He may be a morning person, but my brain doesn't actually switch on most days until about 2:00 pm. The times we have gotten together on Saturday mornings, our rehearsals were crap. We're still having to do this, and it's driving the rest of us crazy! He wants us to compromise, but doesn't want to do the same. Great guy and a great drummer, we don't want to lose him over this. I wish his wife would get some balls and not be so dependent on him.
  10. I think the horror stories of thread can only lead to one conclusion:

    The rock star lifestyle isn't nearly as bad as a steady relationship for musicians.
  11. Maybe my situation is unique, but I haven't had problems with the significant others and relatives of my band. Even if they're in the room while we practice, it doesn't really affect us.
  12. johnvice


    Sep 7, 2004
    +1 if there are people around, it becomes a performance which is not what practicing is about.
  13. Yeah, it's never been a problem for our band, really. We practice at our guitarist's house, and his fiancee is usually around, but she is usually doing other stuff. Sometimes she comes down to listen a little bit, but she doesn't interfere or anything. Same with my wife...if she comes along, she just sits there and reads a book or knits, so it's not like we're trying to perform instead of practice.
  14. buzzbass

    buzzbass Shoo Shoo Retarded Flu !

    Apr 23, 2003
    I was in a a band in 80-81 called Spectre, I also was involved with the 1st "true love" of my life. She hated me in the band and finally gave me the ultimatum. Well, I chose her, like an a-hole. My next 2 years was spent getting kicked out of my house, working my ass off, supporting her and her unmarried welfare sister and 3 kids. This is as an 18-19 year old, mind you. What happened, I came home one day and found her in bed, in the act, with someone else. I proceeded to grab him and throw him off a 2nd story balcony , he landed (naked) on a huge aloe plant right below the balcony. Can you say ouch, LOL.

    Oh the band, well they went on to become one of the biggest club acts in NJ in the 80s. Anyone from NJ ever hear of Prophet ? Yep, that's the band I gave up for a piece of cheatin' poon, never again. Fortunately my wife is totally supportive.
  15. jimbob


    Dec 26, 2001
    Charlotte NC
    Endorsing Artist: Acoustica Mixcraft; Endorsing Artist: DR Strings
    I choose not to play in bands with Married People. I choose not play with Boyfriend-Girlfriends either. Every time I have, it turned into an ugly hassle. Current band's wives and girlfriends are cool with the band. When I met my wife, I was very active in the music scene and I told her "This is me and what I like to do" and here we are 12+ years later and we have a long as I enjoy it, stay sober, I do not bring home band "soap opera stories" and can bring home cash from gigs, I can continue. It's easier than it sounds!
  16. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    I have never been in a situation where a significant other was actually tampering with the internal workings of the band.

    But, I have seen Many cases where an SO didn't support a band and made life miserable.

    I started a similar thread a while back, and I was really pleased to hear that Most SO's were very supportive of the music.

    As far as having people hang out at a practice, I haven't had that situation since I was about 16. [I'm in my 40's now.]
  17. Nick man

    Nick man

    Apr 7, 2002
    Tampa Bay
    I played in a band where the singer and guitarist were married with a child and there were never serious problems. It probably helped more than it hurt since they could connect on a better level and the guitarist would act as a mediator between the band and the singer when we disagreed or the other way around.

    More recently however...

    I was playing in a band with a best friend who had just broken up with her boyfriend and wrote a bunch of songs which were fuelled by her emotions following the breakup. We had a singer come into the band eventually and we played alright and had fun untill after a while the guitarist (girl1) and her ex forgave each other and he started hanging out with us. That wasnt a problem, what was a problem is when the singer (girl2) started hanging out with the ex way too much, especially without the rest of the band around. The final blow to the band came when the ex called the guitarist (girl1) to say that he hoped she didnt mind that he was seeing the singer (girl2). Our singer still denies that anything actually happened but no one believes her.

    Even more recently than that was when my newest band formed from the male members of the band I was just talking about and another boy toy of the two ladies. It was bassically all the men that were in (pun intended) the last band. Anyways, boy toy is an alcoholic and druggie and it gets to the point that we have an intervention following him getting trashed, hitting girl2, getting kicked out of a club, hit by a car, passing out, and waking up in downtown Miami the next day. He eventually stops the hardcore partying but found a new crutch... a girl. Now he doesnt show up to practice, return calls for days, get to shows on time, or help with the load in and load out at shows because he's stuck on this girl. Before either of these band formed I met a girl but around this time we started getting serious and thats when the drummer decides to tell me that he had a thing for her in the past and that she's crazy but if I want to date her, he's cool with it. Total BS, he silently mopes around denying that it bothers him. But theres good news and theres bad news.

    Good news is that he forgets about my gf. Bad news is that its because his ex is seeing someone else and he's jealous. He goes into major depression and we end up spending all of our time at practice trying to get him to stop being such a whinny @#$^% and get over it or do something. Worst past is that its around this time that he moves away so we only practice a couple times a month and he ends up cancelling practice to go spend time with a girl who doesnt want him. He moves home and she takes him back but theres another problem.

    The guitarist now just met a charming young lady who lives about an hour away and starts ignoring the rest of the band. He comes to see me at work one day saying that he is dying to play after unofficially anouncing to all our friends (before me) that the band broke up. I book a show for the next day and he doesnt show up. I later hear from friends that he decided to go see the new lady.

    Meanwhile, the girl I met waits patiently for me when Im at practice and understands when I cancell plans for a last minute jam because I just have to finish working out an idea. She loves that I have a passion for music but isnt a groupie. She's worth the long distance relationship.

    To add to all this, I found out today that the rest of the band has been telling our friends that they dont want to play with me because Im too dedicated and take it too seriously. Lucky me. Now Im getting positive attention from the other accomplished musicians in the scene.
  18. Rich600


    Nov 22, 2004
    The bassist in my band is totally whipped by his other half and it comes between practice, he wouldnt change his plans for a night out with her when we organised practice, but I had to change my plans with my gf to practice, he said to the drummer that if i moaned he'd walk out. Im sick of his lack of commitment, if his gf loves him she'll give him time for the band and encourage him. The night when i cancelled my plans pisses me off, he didnt turn up to practice til 9pm when i was there at 6pm, so i didnt have to change my plans after all. ****.
  19. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    Was practice supposed to start at 6? Did he contact you?

    In my world, my time is super precious. If I had a bandmate who was Hours late to practice without a good reason, and without communicating, there would be only one road to take for me - finding another bandmate.
  20. Kronos


    Dec 28, 2005
    Philadelphia, PA

    Also, if the succubus is that freakin important, start a band with her and stay the hell away from my band.