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Joke-mongers, I need you.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Thee, Jan 5, 2005.

  1. Thee


    Feb 11, 2004
    San Luis Obispo, CA
    I need a good 30 sec to 60 sec joke. I suppose if it's clean enough to be posted on talkbass, it's clean enough for the class. A long winded narrative type one would be excellent.
  2. q.) What's the difference between a man stepping out of church and a woman stepping out of the shower?

    a.) A man has hope in his soul....

    Sorry, just love that one. :smug:
  3. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX

    brad cook
  4. karrot-x

    karrot-x Banned

    Feb 21, 2004
    Omicron Persei 8
    I don't get it?
  5. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    Nor do I... I get a sexist vibe off it.

    ...well what's wrong with being sexy?
  6. Oh lighten up. It's just a joke, not a good one, but still makes me laugh a bit.

  7. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    I know jokes lose their edge when they are explained... but I honestly don't get it.
  8. Brendan


    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    If you have to ask, you'll never know.
  9. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    And if you have to know, you'll never ask.

    brad cook
  10. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    Upon Mon addressing as "Not a good one" I get it now... I guess. :meh:

    and by :meh: I mean :meh:
  11. _Unregistered_


    Nov 3, 2004
    He had to break the window to get the drummer out.
  12. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    There once was a civilization of people known as the Trids. The trids lived in a valley known as the Valley of the Trids. They lived in their valley for centuries, leading simple lives. Then one day a Jewish Rabbi was born among the Trids. When the Rabbi grew up, we began to speak out to the Trids and questioning them. "Why not be like other civilizations like the Romans, Greeks, and Sumerians and expand?". An elder Trid answered, "We have tried, but at the top of the hill that leads out of the valley there is a giant that prevents us from leaving. When we get to the top of the hill, the giant kicks us back down into the valley." Upon hearing this the Rabbi decided to lead a group of Trids to the top of the hill in hopes of talking some sense into the giant, and thus allow the Trids to spread out like other civiliations. The Rabbi and Trids reach the top of the hill. Quickly the giant stomps his feet and then kicks all the Trids down the hill, but doesn't lay a finger on the Rabbi. The Rabbi then asks, "Why did you kick the Trids, but not me?" The giant replied "SILLY RABBI KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS!"
  13. canopener


    Sep 15, 2003
    Isle of Lucy
    During a lecture in a field geography class I took, the instructor had a long-winded rambling about something or other when his tone started to change a bit. He started going off about not paying attention in class, blah, blah blah, which was odd, because normally this guy was really laid back. Well, this was all building up to a point when he slammed down an overhead slide onto the projector that read "ADRENALINE!!!" Simultaneously, he also yelled "ADRENALINE!!!" It was pretty funny, and needless to say, he had our attention for at least the next 5 minutes...
  14. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    This is a joke that should be told in an Italian accent

    One-a-ma day I go to dis bigga hotel in Detroit. I go-ah downstairs to getta me summa breakfast. Da waitress she aska me whatta I want fora breakafast. I say, " I wanna two piss o toast". When she come back, she only bringa me one piss. I say to da waitress, "Heya waitress, I wann two piss". She tella me to go to da batroom. But I say, "you dona understand, I wanna two piss right here on da plate". She says "You betta not piss on da plate you suminabeech". And I dona even know dissa lady.

    Den I go fora lunch. The waitress, she bringa me a knife, she bringa me a spoon, but she bringa me no fock. So I say to da waitress, "heya waitress, I wanna fock" She says "Everybody wanna fock". An, I say "You dona understand, I wanna fock right here on dis a table." She seza to me, "you better not fock on da table you suminabeech", and I dona even know dissa lady.

    Ima tired so I go to da room to take a nap. I looka ona my bed, and dare isa only one sheet on da bed. I call da front desk and say "Heya, I needa two sheet". He says to usa da toilet. I say, "You no understand, I needa two sheet righta here on dissa bed". He said, "You betta not sheet on da bed you suminabeetch", and I don't even know dissa guy.

    So I go leave dis hotel and the bellhoppa say to me "peace to you", an I say "peese on you too! I go back to Italy"

    If this offends anyone, let me know and I'll quickly delete it.
  15. _Unregistered_


    Nov 3, 2004
    (for the two of you that don't know it...)

    A guy goes on safari, and hires a guide.

    They're hacking their way through the forrest with machetes when suddenly they hear tribal drums. The guide turns pale, but says nothing. Sensing trouble,the guy looks at the guide, and says "I don't like the sound of those drums".

    The guide replies: No, drums good...drums stop; very bad...then we must leave immediately.

    They press on, but the drums get louder, and busier...angrier.

    The guy says: I really don't like the sound of those drums!

    The guide replies: No, really; drums good...but if drums stop...that is very bad...we must be prepared to run.

    They press on yet deeper into the brush, and the drums get even louder, and even busier...and then suddenly, they STOP.

    The guide turns abruptly on his heels, and in a very urgent tone he says: OH NO...DRUMS STOP, VERY BAD!!! WE MUST GO NOW; BASS SOLO NEXT!!!
  16. Reminds me of the difference between a circus and a sorority... :D
  17. _Unregistered_


    Nov 3, 2004
    A boy scout troop, and a girls track team?
  18. Hey now, no making fun of Boy Scouts.

    I had a joke, but forgot it...:(

    Rock on
  19. spyingcracker


    May 27, 2004
    Ok, the Army and Marine Corps are training together, and the Marines are fighting against the army with blanks, mock grenades and such. The army platoon leader sees an unarmed marine on top of a hill with his hands on his hips, kind of looking around. He grabs two of the privates and says "you see that marine up there? Go up that hill, grab him, and bring him back so we can interrogate him." So the two privates rush up the hill, and the marine walks down the opposite side. The privates follow him over the hill, and about five minutes later the marine is back on top of the hill, looking around. The platoon leader then sends four men up to take the marine. As they're running up the hill, the marine walks back down the other side. Of course, the soldiers follow him, and five minutes later the marine is back on top of the hill. Then the leader tells one of his squad leaders "We're gonna get that sonofabitch. You take your whole squad, and bring me that marine!" The twelve men trek up the mountain, same thing happens, the marine walks over to the other side, and the soldiers follow. A few minutes later, the squad leader is seen crawling over the top of the hill. His uniform is torn, and he's dragging himself with his arms. In an exhausted voice, he yells "Go back! Go back! It's a trap. There's TWO OF THEM!!!" :eek:
  20. This single guy walks into a bar, and, after having a few drinks gets his edge on. He goes up to a really attractive woman and sits down at the bar next to her. They get to chatting and after a while he suddenly says with a grin "hey, I just got this fortune telling watch...it tells me you're not wearing any panties"

    A bit taken by this she replies "Well, your watch is mistaken, as I am in fact wearing panties"...

    Without missing a beat, the guy taps on his watch and says "darn, must've set it an hour fast..."