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Jokes not to tell on a Bass forum.

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Demonfish22, Aug 5, 2002.


  1. Demonfish22

    Demonfish22

    Jul 31, 2002
    Bath, England
    Q: What does a bass player use for contraception?
    A: His personality.

    Q: What's the difference between a bassist and a monk?
    A: the monk chooses to be celibate.

    But seriously folks...

    Oh, while I'm here, some drummer jokes:

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A: A drummer!

    Q: What has three legs and a snugglemuffin on top?
    A: A drum stool.
     
  2. i'm very new and i've heard 3 of those already dude....
    peace&plaid
    -SHoonk
     
  3. Tom Crofts

    Tom Crofts

    Mar 15, 2001
    Q-What do you call the OTHER guy who hangs around with musicians?

    A-The singer
     
  4. punkfunkfreak

    punkfunkfreak

    Dec 16, 2001
    cant all these jokes be applied to different people just by switching the names around?

    in fact, arent they all just blonde jokes with "bassist" or "drummer" instead of blonde??

    not to step on toes or anything.....

    :D
     
  5. How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None, the piano player can just do it with his left hand.
     
  6. Kaaaboomm ccsshhh!!

    :D:D

    that was my lame attempt at a drum hit joke thingie... :rolleyes:
     
  7. WildBill

    WildBill

    Jul 7, 2002
    Massachusettes
    its a rimshot Merl...Rimshot
     
  8. Demonfish22

    Demonfish22

    Jul 31, 2002
    Bath, England
    well I thought they were funny, even if no-one else did. *pokes out tongue and storms off to sulk in the corner*
     
  9. The best one I've heard still is:

    What do you do when you see a wounded drummer running around in your backyard?

    Stop laughing and shoot again.

    :D
     
  10. that one always sends me into hysterics. hahahaha. i love ska jokes too.

    Q: how many skanks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: one to drop it and two to say "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up"!!!:p
     
  11. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin
    Closet drummer, Bill?

    ;) ;)
     
  12. Two guys get on a plane to Africa for the ultimate hunting trip. Soon after they land, they find themselves in deep and lush jungle. Thats when they first hear natives banging away on drums off in the distance. The first guy gets this petrified look on his face, then states that there is nothing to worry about as long as the drums dont stop playing. The second guy totaly confused asks "why, what happens when the drums stop?" With a horrified look on his face he replys "bass solo".

    Other silly musician jokes:
    Question: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Doesn't matter, they have machines that do that now.

    Question: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: 5, 1 to actually do it and the other 4 to sit around and say "I can do that".

    Question: How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: 1, He just holds up the bulb and the whole world revolves around him

    Question: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: I dunno, what do you think?

    Question: Whats the differnce between an acordian and a trampoline?
    Answer: You have to take your shoes off first to jump on a trampoline.

    Question: Whats the difference between a groupie and a Ferari?
    Answer: Most musicians have never been in a Ferari.

    Question: Whats the practical range of a clarinet?
    Answer: About 40 yards with a good tail wind

    Question: Whats the difference between a cello and a viola
    Answer: A cello burns longer.

    Three guys are sitting at a bar and for one reason or another they start talking about inteligence. The first guy claims that his IQ is 140 and that he is coporate contract lawyer. The second guy says his IQ is 165 and he works as a brainsurgeon. The third guy looks down at his feet shamefully and claims his IQ is only 36. The first guy then asks him "oh yeah? what kinda drum kit do you play?"
     
  13. heh one more.. had to get this out of my system

    How does a rock drummer count in odd meters?

    One
    Two
    Three
    Four
    Five
    Six
    Se-
    ven

    ok ill stop now, I promise!
     
  14. slaphappyswing- best jokes so far.

    anywho, has anyone ever seen the Kids in the Hall sketch about bassists? friggin hilarious. it featured Bruce McCulloch (?sp) playing bass, (and if it was him, he really wasnt that bad), while Kevin McDonald performed a very funny, crazy monologue around him about the bass player. i'll try to find the transcript off a kids in the hall fansite today.

    Joel
     
  15. well here's the transcript from that one skit. in case anyone has never heard of Kids in the Hall, they were a Canadian *gasp* yes, Canadian comedy group that did hilarious, relatively out-there, sorta bizarre sketch comedy that has since been a staple to Comedy Central's mid-day line-up. They were produced by Lorne Michaels, of Saturday Night Live fame, who for some unknown, after Kids in the Hall broke up, took the least funny of the five members (being Mark McKinney) to SNL. Dave Foley acted as Dave in NewsRadio afterwards. I dont think the other three guys did anything notable afterwards. Anyways, here's the transcript, but actually seeing the skit is much more funny, I completely understand if someone who has never seen KITH doesnt find any humor in this.

    [Opens with Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet playing music, Bruce McCulloch sitting in a chair playing bass. Kevin McDonald appears from behind Bruce]
    Kevin: That's the best bass player I ever heard. He's playin' so sweet, I'm gettin' chubby. You know what I like best about the bass player? His neck.

    [Bruce bobs his head a few times]

    Kevin: Oh, he made a little mistake. You may not have noticed it, but if you did, I think you'll enjoy my tale. Hmmm....

    [Singing:] The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast.

    Hey, bass player. Look at the bass player. Look at that smile, there's sadness in that smile. Look at that chord structure, there's sadness in that chord structure. Look at him flail like the wailin' wall with nothin' but stubby fingers and a dumb look on his face. He don't know it but he's balding...spiritually. But everybody hates the bass player. No one invites the bass player to the party after the show.

    Bruce: Hey, what are you guys doin' after the show? Oh, nothin'? Okay.

    Kevin: If he does go to the party, he can only get the good looking girl's... best friend.

    Bruce: Is Heather coming?

    Kevin: [laughing] Heather...The bass player is the loser of the band, yes he is, if you don't believe me take a look at the one you're with. But, there's something beautiful about the bass, sometimes when I listen to it, I--I don't know, I get caught up in the swirl, I'm flying, I'm flying Ma, over a big beautiful lake. He's playing the bass and I'm flying. Sometimes when I land I'm in a different neighborhood, but that's okay, 'cause whenever I listen to the bass player, I always bring cab fare. But after all, aren't we all bass players? Aren't you all bass players? They told me this was a bass players convention, you are all bass... Pick up the beat, pick up the beat. Hide the sadness, and tap your feet.

    Singing: The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast. Aren't you glad that you're not one?

    [Kevin hides behind Bruce's chair and SMOASP begin playing once again]
     
  16. LOL!! :D That's true!!!.. Thanks for bringing such good jokes slaphappyswing..
     
  17. Didja hear about the accordion player that ran out of gas on the way to the gig? He took a chance and left his instrument in the back of the car while he went to find gas. When he returned - to his horror - he found the back window smashed. He assumed the worst as he ran up to the car but was surprised when he looked inside...there were 2 accordions!

    What's the difference between a violin concerto and a catfight?..The cats are in tune.

    How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?..3 actually - 1 to screw it in and 2 to argue how much better the Bird would've done it.

    How do you get a guitarist to shut up?..Put sheet music in front of him.

    What's the difference between a bass player and a savings bond? ...Eventually the savings bond will mature.

    Here about the guitarist that locked his keys in the car?...Took him an hour to get the drummer out.

    Thanx, I'll be here all week.