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Jokes

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by eli, Jan 8, 2000.


  1. eli

    eli Mad showoff 7-stringer and Wish lover Supporting Member

    Dec 12, 1999
    NW suburban Chicago
    You're lost in the desert, dehyrating and hallucinating from thirst. Suddenly three beings appear: a perfectly in-tune fretless bassist; a struggling, out-of-tune fretless bassist; and a 6-foot tall pink rabbit. Each of them tells you a different direction to go to reach safety. Which one do you believe?

    The struggling, out-of tune fretless bassist -- because the other two are obviously figments of your imagination.
     
    Joe Nerve likes this.
  2. Q
    Why are all players in a jazz band friendy with the double bassist ?


    A
    He's the guy with the car.
     
  3. Usedtobejim

    Usedtobejim

    Jan 3, 2000
    Q:
    How can you tell if a guitarist is at your front door?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    A:
    He/She is carrying a Pizza
     
  4. Usedtobejim

    Usedtobejim

    Jan 3, 2000
    Q:
    How can you tell if a drummer is at your door?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    A:
    The knocking keeps getting faster and louder.

    I got a million of 'em bit I'll stop here
     
  5. big_goofy_bass_player

    big_goofy_bass_player

    Dec 13, 1999
    Q:
    How can you tell if the stage is level...??
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    A:
    The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

    Jim
     
  6. Player

    Player

    Dec 27, 1999
    USA Cincinnati, OH
    How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    .
    .
    .
    5..1 to screw it in and 4 to stand around and say "That was pretty good, but I could do it better."

    ------------------
    Paul
     
  7. Usedtobejim

    Usedtobejim

    Jan 3, 2000
    Q:
    How can you tell the Bassist wrote the Set List?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    A:
    Words are spelled wrong and theres drool on the paper
     
  8. A man gets stranded on an island, after much trouble he is able to understand the nataives language....once he can comunicate with them he asks something that's been bothering him since he got there...."what is with the loud drumming?" the native replied "drums must never stop"......he dosen't think much of it......about 3 days later the drums stop and the natives all panic.....in the frenzy he manages to stop one of the natives and asks "why is it so bad when the drums stop"........"because, drums stop BASS solo begins"

    ------------------
    Mike Linkletter
    SOLE SURVIVOR
     
  9. Gman

    Gman

    Jan 4, 2000
    Indianapolis, IN
    How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just 1. He holds it while the rest of the world turns around him.

    Dave
     
  10. Paul A

    Paul A

    Dec 13, 1999
    Hertfordshire U.K!
    Theres this cruise ship bobbing about in the Atlantic late at night.Down in the ships ballroom the resident magician is giving a show.Suddenly the ship hits in iceberg and sinks rapidly.Struggling to the surface the magician spots a double bass from the ships band floating in the water.He swims over to it and climbs on board.After a couple of minutes he notices that he's not alone.
    Sitting on the headstock of the bass is the ships parrot.
    "Well at least I have Company" he thinks to himself,and tries to strike up a conversation with the bird.
    After a couple of hours of "Who's a pretty boy then?...etc etc" he gives up, as there is no response from the parrot whatsoever.
    After a couple of hours the parrot suddenly ruffles its feathers,looks the magician squarely in the eye and says: "Ok....I give up...what did you do with the ship?"......
     
  11. bssclf

    bssclf

    Feb 18, 2000
    How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
    1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
     
  12. bssclf

    bssclf

    Feb 18, 2000
    How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
    None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
     
  13. bssclf

    bssclf

    Feb 18, 2000
    How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
    Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
     
  14. bssclf

    bssclf

    Feb 18, 2000
    The History of the Bass - The Life and Art of Bass Playing
    by Tony Levin

    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.
    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

    And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

    "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so.


    I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW.
    PEACE!!
    bssclf


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     
  15. bssclf

    bssclf

    Feb 18, 2000
    OH..WHAT THE HAY..HOPE YOU DON'T MIND!!

    Murderers of Art
    an artistic statement
    A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his Mom.

    So he decides to top himself and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions who've rejected him all his life. He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, then copy it onto 1000 CDs and send them out to all the record execs in the country.

    He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he begins; "This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"

    With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall. The sound engineer glanced up and said "...yep, ...okay... that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

    [​IMG]
     
  16. J D

    J D

    Feb 18, 2000
    Did you hear the one about a Bassist and drummer who spent there whole life together? oh yea, from grade school to 80 years old, they were together, every date, every gig, every minute of the day. Now at 80 years old the drummers health is starting to get to him so he tells the bassist he can't take it anymore, he is going to go to the tallest bridge in town and jump off and end it all. The bassist looks at him, and knows they have done everything together, so he decides to jump also. So they're up on the bridge and both of them jump off at the Exact momment, together , and all you hear at the bottom is.................................................................................................................................................................................. ..........PLOP.......PLOP! (COME TO YOUR ON CONCLUSION?)
     
  17. this happened yesterday... My band was playing at a concert in the school and our teacher tells us:

    "you Instrument players add more to the volume and you(talks to the drummer) play a little louder"

    [​IMG]
     
  18. GREAT JOKE!!:

    A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
    At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

    After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

    "Bass solo."


    ROFLMAO(Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off)
     
  19. DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!!

    I hadn´t read all the jokes.... but i guess I should have!!! sorry ppl... didn´t notice that the same joke has been submitted before...
     
  20. DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!!

    I hadn´t read all the jokes.... but i guess I should have!!! sorry ppl... didn´t notice that the same joke has been submitted before...