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Learning the true meaning of pain...

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Gard, Dec 7, 2002.

  1. ...over the past week, you all may have noticed that my presence here has been very sparse. I am publicly apologizing to my co-moderators here on the board - jazzbo who knows the score, and JT who will learn soon. My situation doesn't appear to look as if I will be back to "normal" anytime in the forseeable future.

    I am in the most intense pain emotionally and intellectually that could ever be imagined, so much so that I honestly wish I could just die. I hope that I'm not going too over the top, but I need to vent my anguish publicly. The worst part of the pain is that it is essentially 100% self-inflicted.

    For the past 12 years, I have shared my life - such as it is - with the most wonderful woman in the world. Of those 12 years, we have been man and wife for 7 years, in May it will (hopefully) be 8.

    I can remember the day and time we met, where we were what she was wearing, and the student that got his lesson late because of her.

    In all these years, I have never strayed, although sometimes my mind has wandered. I've done things that I am ashamed of, and embarrassed by, that have caused her pain. She has endured my thoughtlessness quietly, almost without complaint. In my selfishness and obliviousness, I didn't realize I had caused her real pain - she never lost her temper with me, never raised her voice to me, although she did let me know I'd done her wrong. My reaction was to pay lip-service to it, sweep it under the proverbial carpet, and declare it "solved".

    A week ago, she finally complained, with the full force of 12 years of anguish, frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, and howling pain - she packed a bag and moved out. There was no discussion, she showed up at a gig between sets and told me she was going.

    I won't lie and say I was unaware of any problem, she had just days before brought a rather personal (and not for discussion here, sorry) point out that needed my attention. At the time of her bringing up the point, I obfuscated, avoided, and generally was an @$$. But, I heard her loud and clear - and was moved, but not moved enough to address the problem immedately, or at least to acknowledge it's existance and make it known that an effort to correct it would be underway quickly. It would have been, but unfortunately I waited too long to let it be known, and now it appears that it may be too late.

    I made excuses, as I had for 12 years: I was tired, I was too busy, I needed time....excuses, not reasons though. Anytime the person you love brings something like this to your attention, it requires immedate action. She had brought these and similar concerns to my attention numerous times throught the years - all to fall on my deaf ears.

    So wonderful a woman, she deserves better from me, not so wonderful a man and not deserving of her. I didn't give it, and it may cost me more than I can bear to give.

    Some of you know me personally - at least via phone calls to Bass Central, a few of you have actually met both myself, and the much greater pleasure of meeting my lovely wife. You may wish to point out that I am a good guy, and not to be so harsh to myself - but hold that thought: Were I so nice, would I have mistreated the woman I love so deeply in such a manner?

    The point of this? Two things:

    1) I may not be around much for a while. I need some time to reflect on my shortcomngs as a human being, and to make an attempt to salvage my marriage. If Paul feels the need to revoke my Moderator status for this reason, I will completely understand. I am asking for a volunteer to take my place, at least temporarily (although I cannot say for how long, I have no idea how long I will be dealing with this, it may be permanent).

    2) An object lesson to everyone reading: Please don't take the ones you love for granted, ever. There is no "tomorrow" without caring for today, and you can never make the mistakes of yesterday go away once you've committed them. This is what will likely sink my marriage: Too many of yesterday's mistakes were repeated. It is important to plan for the future in any relationship, but you must never focus solely on that, you must take care of the here and now or that future may never come for you.

    I love my wife very much, and hope to eventually convince her that I can and will change my ways. I can only hope she will give me that opportunity. Please don't make the same mistake I have, please.
  2. Sorry man. I hope things get better for you. Good luck with the whole situation.:(
  3. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    Don't worry man, just remeber. Real Life First, Talkbass second. I hope you get everything figured out, Good Luck.
  4. odie

    odie Supporting Member

    First off that was one of the best written posts I've read here at TB. It was almost poetic and I hope you can word how you feel in the same way to your wife as you just did at TB.

    I was in your shoes a couple years ago and I know some what how your feeling. We're still working on things and I hope you two can do the same. Seek help, couseling or whatever you two need to do. Sometimes a break is what can help. It sounds harsh and it is, but thats what saved my relationship.

    If you need a person to sub in the MOD area let me know and I'll do it till you want to hop back on the saddle.

    Take care and I wish the best for you and your wife.

    PM me if you need anything.

  5. Ryan L.

    Ryan L. Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 7, 2000
    West Fargo, ND
    I know what you are going through. I have been there, believe me. I can't say anything that will make what you are going through easier, no one really can. All I can say is I hope you two can find a way to make it work.

    Wish you the best,
  6. Nick man

    Nick man

    Apr 7, 2002
    Tampa Bay
    We all wish you the best of luck.

    Its a shame that we take the ones we love for granted, but hopefully the ones we love realize that we dont mean to.

    I hope it all works out for the best.

    We're all here for you.

  7. Oh, man.. Gard :( I hope everything works out, and I'm sure it will!

    It's been 12 years? I think that's a good enough time to say that she does love ya, but she just needs some time? Have you tried to contact her?
    IMO I think you should best get it out to her.. and let her get everything out to you...

    G'luck man! :( :D
  8. Plucky


    Jun 18, 2002
    sure it was one of the best written threads here, but i wish this posts never happen though.....

    good luck with everything, keep in mind all you said here, that was truly deep.
  9. When I saw this I thought you were passing a kidney stone or something.

    Sounds like it's worse. :(

    I'd say good luck, but luck won't have much to do with it in the end... you get your ass into gear now.

    We all love ya.
  10. punkfunkfreak


    Dec 16, 2001
    well, i could give you a bunch of crap about it all getting better soon and everything will be fine..e.t.c....but i find thats just asking for trouble.
    So ill say that i hope you feel better soon, and that everything works out. And i trust that your judgement in your actions in the near future wont bring anyone any harm. From what i can see you can deal with this...and make it work. A lesser man wouldnt cope but i get the feeling you arent that man.

    Good luck and my thoughts are with you.
  11. superfreak

    superfreak Unregistered

    Aug 18, 2002
    Clarksville, TN
    Gard, I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am going to give you a wormans point of view. I have also been in your wifes shoes...but the man left me...another story for another time.

    Talk to her. Lay things out on the table. She may need some time to herself, so don't pressure her. Twelve years is a long time Gard. If she didn't love you as much as you love her, she would not have stayed. Maybe this is her way of getting herself heard. Sit up and listen, and listen closely for she may not repeat herself. I strongly feel that you need to seek counseling. You obviously recognize what you did wrong, that is the first step. I don't know the whole story, however, from what I have read, it seems to me that you two love eachother very much. Again, give her the time she need for her to figure out what needs to be done. Call her every once in a while to let her know that she is still the most important person in your life and that you will do anything to fix what was broken.

    Don't give up Gard. This may take a while. While this is going on...take a hard look at what went wrong:

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...

    Gard, this is what I live by everyday...I hope it helps you as it has helped me.

    Let me know if you need anything. I am here for you.
  12. BigBohn


    Sep 29, 2001
    WPB, Florida
    Thats a big portion of your life invested with that woman, Gard. As hard as it may seem, I have always believed in the philosophy that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not self-evident immediately after the incident. Just let time pass and emotions settle before any action on your part be taken to recover this relationship.

    I feel for you, even though I have never really been in a situation like yours, yet I have seen many of these situations from adults I have personally known. May you still attain internal peace and the tranquility that will ultimately help you more than hurt you.
  13. lump


    Jan 17, 2000
    St. Neots, UK
    I've been down that road too. This may come as a shock to some of my fans here, but I can be difficult to live with. And about 10 years ago, I started doing some things that made living with me intolerable (since some here know my wife and I, like you, I'll not elaborate). It wasn't until I was given an ultimatum that I shaped up. I had to make a choice, and I chose to quit being a jerk (okay, not entirely). At first it was mainly for the kids' sake, but after a while, it was for ours. It hasn't been all skittles and beer, but no relationship is. But I definitely made the right decision.

    When I reflect on what I was doing, what really strikes me is my cowardice. Rather than being up front and saying, "I'm not happy, and here's why," I spent years slowly piling on a bunch of stupid crap to see how far I could push her. Eventually, I found out. And now, so have you.

    So now that you've found her pain threshold and driven her away, you have to ask yourself, "Is that what I REALLY wanted to do?". Although it sounds like you don't have a back-up waiting in the wings, by the tone of your post, it also sounds like part of you isn't convinced that her leaving is such a bad thing. Do you feel bad because she's gone, or do feel bad because you're GLAD a woman you "professed" to love for 12 years left? THINK about it.

    Whatever you do, don't beg her to come back just because you feel guilty, because you'll eventually resent her and do the same crap all over again. If you TRULY want out, get out and don't look back. If you want her back, make the changes you need to make. But whatever you do, stop whatever half-@$$ed, passive/aggressive bull**** you've been doing just to push her buttons. That puts the onus of maintaining the relationship on her, and it isn't fair. Either get in, or get out. Don't factor in the past, don't wallow in guilt or self-pity. Talk it out, but whatever you do, grow a pair and BE HONEST, both with yourself, and her. You owe her that.

    And if you are genuinely not sure what you want, ERR ON THE SIDE OF WORKING THINGS OUT. You can't go wrong doing what is RIGHT.

    Good luck, buddy. You're in my prayers.

  14. Thanks everyone, I appreciate the support - as always, you TBer's are actin' like a family, and when you feel as crappy as I do right now, you can NEVER have too much family.

    I don't have the energy to mention or thank everyone seperately - but lump, your post bears comment: First, thank you, excellent advice. Second, there is no one else anywhere in the entire universe for me. I've acted like an ass, to the one person I truly love. I'm putting Miracle Grow on my "pair" right after I finish typing this.

    What is causing me the most pain is that I've hurt her. Not that she's gone, but that I drove her away. I hurt myself by hurting the most important person in my life. What a dummy, right? May as well have shot myself in the foot (or maybe about 6'2" higher would be better! ;) )
  15. pmkelly

    pmkelly Supporting Member

    Nov 28, 2000
    Kansas City, MO
    my thoughts and prayers are headed your way, bro....

  16. Boplicity

    Boplicity Supporting Member

    Gard, I am so sorry about what has happened and just at the holiday season, too! Here's my story for what it is worth. After thirty years of marriage I dang near walked on my hubby, too. Now, six years later, I am glad I didn't, but I am the 'old fashioned kind,' from another generation. Women are more independent nowadays.

    What I am hoping is that you can both work through this and save what you had. Why? Because there is no guarantee that anything "Further On Up the Road", like the old blues song, will bring either of you anything better.

    Heck, I nearly walked on my husband at four or five crucial times in our relationship. This is sad... one time I had my bags packed. What stopped me was my then thirteen year old son threw himself on the suitcases and begged me not to go. Man, I tear up to this day just remembering.

    I pray every night until I fall asleep. I will add you and your wife in my prayers. I hope the best that is for both of you will unfold. Gee, I am just so sorry to hear about what has happened to you, Gard. You will be in my thoughts. This isn't easy. Please take care and may you have the strength to get through this. I know you do.
  17. good luck Gard, We'll miss you while your gone. All our thoughts will be with you... just dont do anything stupid ok?
  18. Bop, can I borrow your son?



    Thanks for the thoughts.

    Insomniac, mon cher...I'm not going anywhere - except home to Slidell for Christmas if we don't get to some common ground before then. I'm just taking a break from being too involved in stuff other than my marriage and music itself. You fryin' a turkey for Christmas man? :D
  19. Good luck Gard, I hope things work out.

    Relationships are hard, it was hard being in one for 2 years, I can just imagine 12 years. But I doubt she'd have stayed that long if she didn't care about you.

    My friend once told me, when I was in a similar situation, "If it's meant to happen, it will"

    Always have a place here.
  20. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Supporting Member

    Gard, as I told you the other night, mine and Uforia's thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I can relate, having been through a major crisis several months ago.

    Work on the issues that led up to this, and try to get some counselling.

    Good luck, man!:)

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