lets put the humor back in Bass Humor & Gig Stories

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Chip, Mar 16, 2002.

  1. Chip


    May 2, 2000
    too many gig stories and not enough humor here
    i'll start the ball rolling

    Q:what do you call a drummer in a suit
    A:the defendant

    Q:how do you stop a guitarist from playing
    A: put sheet music in front of him

    haha very cheap lets try and get some better ones!
  2. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member Administrator

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga




    "pull my finger!"

    sorry, that's the best i could do. :(
  3. Ciaran


    Apr 4, 2001

    ....JT, putting the ass back in bass.

    I'm sorry,please don't hit me again.:)
    Oh,yeah..humor...eh.....let's see........how about this:
    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to
    empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I
    said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
    I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
    the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
    the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
    exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the
    third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled
    the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down
    the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next
    and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled
    the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
    corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
    When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
    counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
    twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
    had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
    I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not
    half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is
    me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
  4. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000


    Quote of the year! :eek: :D
  5. Festus


    Dec 12, 2001
    London, England.
    Q: What's got three legs and an arsehole?

    A: A drum stool!
  6. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Yeah, these are just stupid things I've heard...

    What do you say to the Drummer who knocks on ya door?
    How much for the Pizza???

    Did you here about the Bass player that locked himself in his car?
    The Drummer had to break the window to let him out.

    A Drummer went to buy a new car, he only had two hundred quid so he goes to see a pal that was into selling second hand junkers.
    "Hi Mac," he says. "What have you got that's real cool for two hundred quid?"
    "Well," says his mate "I've got a beauty out back a real bargain. It's an old Jag, beautiful condition..."
    "What's the catch?" says the Drummer
    "No catch at all," says Mac
    "Oh there is just one little thing missing though," says Mac
    "What's that then?" asked the Drummer
    "It ain't got any doors," says Mac
    "That's no good is it," says the Drummer, "How the heck am I going to get in?"

    A guy walks into a shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a packet of condoms.
    The guy behind the counter asks the man "Are you by any chance a Drummer?"
    Well, I'll be, thought the man. "Yes, I am," he replied.
    "I thought as much," replied the guy behind the counter.
    "How that then?" replied the Man.
    "Because this is a Butchers stupid!"

    What do they call a guy that's hanging out with musicians?
    A drummer.

    What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
    They both suck without Cream.

    How do you know there's a drummer knocking on your door?
    The knocking speeds up.

    Two drummers meet while walking down the street.
    One of them asks, " What you got in that bag?"
    The other one replies: "Chickens"
    "Can I have one?" asks the first drummer.
    The second drummer replies, "If you can guess how many chickens are in this bag, then I'll give you both of them.

    How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
    Shoot one.

    In the Year 2050, there will be shops in which you can buy brains. So this guy walks into one of these shops and asks for a special brain.
    The clerk turns around, takes a jar with a brain in it and says, "So here we have the brain of a teacher."
    The man wants to know how much it is.
    "20,000 Dollars" answers the clerk.
    "Hm...",says the man, "are there any other special brains in here?"
    The clerk turns around and looks at the shelf for five minutes, then he take another jar. He declares," So here we have a philosopher´s brain"
    "And how much is this one ?"
    "40,000 Dollars". The man thinks about it and finally says that the two brains standing before him are too normal - he wants a very, very, very special brain.
    So the clerk goes to look for the demanded one and after half an hour, he comes back, with a jar, very dirty, but you can still see a very small-sized brain in it. "This one is a Drummer´s brain", says the clerk, "but it´s 150,000 Dollars".
    The man asks:"How come?"
    "Just think, how many drummers have to die before we

    What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
    A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer...
  7. Selta


    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    How do you know when the drumriser is properly levelled?
    The drummer is drooling evenly from both sides of the mouth!!

    How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    5- One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could do it.

    What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

    Did you hear about the drummer who walked passed the bar?
    ...Well it could happen!

    How many drummers are necessary to screw a lightbulb?
    Ten drummers, one to hold the lamp with his hands and nine to turn the room.

    Some people are doing a test to determine peoples' Intelligence Coefficient, and when they finish it they meet at a convention...
    A scientist asks a man, "What's your job?"
    " I´m a maths teacher."
    "What IC have you got?"
    They start talking about Mathematics when another man joins the group:
    " What's your job?"
    " I'm an engineer."
    " Nice. What's your CI?"
    Then they begin talking about electronics, and people continue to join the group until a curious man appears.
    They ask him, "What's your IC? "
    "Oh! Well!, and, err...what sticks do you use?"

    Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
    Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend

    What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
    "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

    An amateur drummer dies and goes to Heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within Heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Twenty. One to hold the lamp and nineteen to drink beer until that the room begins to rotate.

    A drummer is fishing by the lake and catches the golden fish.
    "Please, drummer! Throw me back!" says the fish, so the drummer puts her back in the water.
    The fish disappears then swims back to the drummer. "And what about the wish?" she asks.
    "Okay. What'll it be?"

    There were three people - an intelligent drummie, a stupid drummie and a gnome sitting in a room in front of a table and on the table was a fried chicken. Suddenly the light went off in the room, and when it turned on again, someone had eaten up the chicken. Who was it?
    Well, it must have been the stupid drummie, because intelligent drummies and gnomes don't exist!

    If a drummer and a squirrel are sitting in a cab, what's the difference?
    The squirrel's going on a gig.

    What's in common with an awful drum-fill and a tornado?
    You know they're coming but there ain't a thing you can do.

    How do you drive a drummer insane?
    Lock him up in a round room and tell him there's pizza in the corner.

    If you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard, what do you do?
    Stop laughing and shoot again.

    How do you know your restroom has a straight floor?
    A drummer has peed on both sides of the toiletseat.

    Two drummers walk into a building. You figure at least one of them would have seen it.

    Why did the drummer climb over the barbed wire fence?
    To see what was on the other side.

    The band was pissed off coz the producer would always take off early on Fridays for lunch and not return till Monday.
    After several weeks of this, the band decided that if the producer was going to take off early, so would they.
    Sure enough, that Friday the producer dissapeared, so the band decided to take off.
    The Singer went to a movie, the Bassist went to a nudie bar, the Guitarists went to a medievall joust and the Drummer decided just to go home. When the Drummer got home, he found his wife in bed with the producer. The Drummer was mortified and shocked and walked around town moping.
    The next Friday, the same thing happened with the producer leaving early. "Well Mate," said the Singer, "shall we take off early again?" "You guys go ahead," said the Drummer, "I almost got caught last week."

    A very worried bass player is strolling along a beach in California. He steps on something hard, and picks it up. It's a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out.
    "I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish".
    "I think", the bass player says, "that I'd like to go to Hawaii one day. But I get airsick and seasick. I'd like you to build a bridge so I could drive over."
    The genie thinks this over, and gently explains that it would be almost impossible, with labour costs what they are and the sea as deep as it is.
    "In that case, how about this. Our drummer never writes any songs. I'd like you to make him write a song."
    The genie ponders for a bit, then asks, "This bridge....you want it two-lane or four-lane?"

    What's the difference between a drummer and a battery ?
    A battery has got a plus-side... .

    How do you get a drummer to complain?
    Get him a gig.

    What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
    You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

    What has four sticks and half a brain?
    Two Drummers

    What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
    A Drummer

    What's 10,000 drowned drummers?
    A good start

    80,000 drummers meet in London for a "Drummers Are Not Stupid Convention".
    The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that drummers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?".
    One drummer steps up, the compere says to him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."
    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 drummers start cheering "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
    The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press is present, I guess we can give Nicko another chance." So he says "What is 5 plus 5?".
    After nearly 30 seconds Nicko eventually says "Ninety?"
    The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the drummer starts crying and 80,000 other drummers start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance".
    The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"
    Nicko closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four".
    Around the stadium 80,000 drummers start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"

    A scientist did some research in the field of animal behaviour, and decided to run a test with dogs. His research showed that after a certain period of time, the dogs started to assume certain habits from their masters. Thus he filled a room with bones, and examined how different dogs reacted to the sight. First he let an architecht's dog examine the pile of bones. The dog constructed a fine model of a city out of the bones, complete with streets and parks. The scientist was intrigued, and made notes out of the whole process. He reassembled the bones in a huge pile, and let a mathematician's dog loose. After sniffing at the bones the dog split the pile in two identical piles, then split those two piles, and so forth until the room was filled with 64 identical piles, all in a symmetrical order. The scientist was overjoyed, and again scribbled some notes out of the experiment, and reassembled the bones in a single pile. Then he let a drummer's dog examine the bones... Or would have, but the dog came a couple of hours late, ate all the bones, ****ed the two other dogs, and took the rest of the day off.

    A drummer was walking in a field, and noticed a shephard and his flock of sheep. He remembers his childhood dream about having a pet sheep, and so he walks to the shephard and asks him:
    "Will you give me a sheep, If I guess how many sheep there are in your flock?"
    "A bit strange request, but why not."
    "I'd say you've got 287 sheep."
    To the shephards amazement the bassist hit the mark, and so he lets the drummer choose any sheep he likes. Soon after the drummer has taken his pick, the shephard gets an idea.
    "Do you give me back my sheep if I can guess your profession?"
    "Well... OK! Sounds fair."
    "I'd say you're a drummer."
    "How the hell did you know that?"
    "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it..."

    Okay I have more and there drummer jokes too. I also have bassists jokes too. E-mail me if you want the complete lists!
    (If this offended any drummers out there - You know it's true! I admit it...)