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Make fun of my poem

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by jrthebassguy, Jul 9, 2003.

  1. Jul 9, 2003 #1
    jrthebassguy

    jrthebassguy

    Apr 19, 2000
    Houston, Texas
    I finished this about 5 minutes ago, if you can't tell by the poem I'm not exactly the happiest camper right now. Anyways, tell me what you think....what you like, what you hate, whatever. I don't care as long as its constructive. I didn't want to follow any rhyme scheme, so if you notice any rhymes...its all accidental/coincidental. I am, however, proud of this poem.


    Tragedy

    A deficiency has been set in place
    The shortcomings of the harvest come in
    A tragic flaw and a mourning of a current event
    Catastrophic and to my disappointment

    An unabridged story of a broken heart
    I've had my place in a few
    But now as this failed story ends
    I still like the tragedy in you

    I've been let down
    This misfortune's burden heavier than the last
    I struggle to find an inch of hope left
    For a better road to happiness

    It's the feeling of loss that hurts
    And those dreams that you come back
    And this flood of sorrow rains down
    Until these feelings will lay to rest

    But this is something I must embrace
    Something that I shamefully must admit as truth
    Through all the shortcomings of what has been
    I like the tragedy in you
     
  2. Jul 9, 2003 #2
    Melf

    Melf

    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    I can't make fun of a work of art. That was truly touching:) If you ever want to share poetry then feel free to p/m me.
     
  3. Jul 9, 2003 #3
    Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    Ironing

    Back, forth
    Back, forth
    Ironing for perfection

    Forth, back
    Forth, back
    Ironing in both directions

    Back, forth
    forth, back
    Ironing in the morning

    Forth, back
    Back, forth
    Ironing before Folding.


    well, I liked it :meh:
     
    Helaskold likes this.
  4. Jul 9, 2003 #4
    Killdar

    Killdar

    Dec 16, 2002
    Portland Maine
    JR's poem, very good. :)
    WR's poem, very bad. ;)
     
  5. Jul 9, 2003 #5
    Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    See I have a problem with sad poetry, It just doesn't do it for me, for me, poetry has to be simple and creative, while still having a deeper meaning.

    I think it's because too much sad poetry is just written by saps, and only saps appreciate it...the type of people that troll around deviantart.com and stuff. I hate those people.
     
  6. Jul 10, 2003 #6
    Aaron

    Aaron

    Jun 2, 2001
    Seattle, WA
    I found that amazing. The use of trochaic (sp?) and iambic syllables was astonishing. The extended metaphor of "ironing" is what real touched me. IT shows that when we are "ironing" the creases out of our lives, we don't always know where we are headed. :D
     
  7. Jul 10, 2003 #7
    Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    Thanks PoT :)
     
  8. Jul 10, 2003 #8
    metallicarules

    metallicarules Guest

    Nov 28, 2000
    Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
    My analysis:
    Very good execution of a tired cliche.

    That's just my taste in poetry though. It is well written, I'm just not into the whole "woe is me" style.
     
  9. Jul 10, 2003 #9
    WASHBURNGUY

    WASHBURNGUY

    Dec 28, 2002
    jrthebassguy
    this is an excellent poem..at first i got a dark felling then it was really touching..at least to me it was, unlike other replies.publish it at poetry.com :) @ least it will be copywrighted..they published a poem of mine a few months ago i was proud..yours is way better..
     
  10. Jul 10, 2003 #10
    ColonelZulu

    ColonelZulu Not Impressed By Those Who Flaunt “Authority” Supporting Member

    Apr 14, 2001
    Pennsylvania
    JR...that was touching.

    WR, did you realize you could substitute Ironing for Shagging and the poem would make complete sense?

    Maybe that could be a song's second verse.
     
  11. Jul 10, 2003 #11
    Michael Jewels

    Michael Jewels

    Nov 29, 2000
    Queens, N.Y.(Near JFK Airport)
    How could anyone make fun of that?

    It's very good.

    I'd just like to know - what was her name?

    Hang in there, buddy, this will pass. ;)

    Believe me.

    Mike
     
  12. Jul 10, 2003 #12
    beaglesandbass

    beaglesandbass Think first, then post? Staff Member Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    one word

    excellent
     
  13. Jul 10, 2003 #13
    cobrasneverdie

    cobrasneverdie

    Jun 1, 2003
    moline illinois
    deep and touching.