Married and Touring

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by OmNomNom, Sep 12, 2013.

  1. OmNomNom


    Jul 10, 2011
    Wilmington, DE
    I am looking for some input from those who do/have a regular touring regiment and have a significant other at home. I am in a marriage with no plans of ever having children, and the wife is extremely supportive of all of my endeavors. My eventual goal is to land a decent artist gig and that will probably encompass months of touring. Her stance has always been "If that's your dream, pursue it", while acknowledging how difficult it would be. Anyone with experience?
  2. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    Sorry, no experience with touring here. But I did want to say that its awesome youve found a woman who is willing to put up with your absences for months at a time to allow you to do what you love.

    I imagine my girlfriend would support me the same but I cant say its likely I'll end up touring soon.
  3. It's a juggling act. Depending on the size of the act you are with, and what type of party time you intend to have, you have to call home every day, not wasted out of your mind.
    Smart phone has revolutionized the way small bands tour, so you can facetime, talk, text, whatever, to communicate.

    You still have to nurture your relationship when you are on the road, so before you leave, contact a local florist to have flowers sent to your place for her once a week.

    Send her postcards from weird silly towns you pass through. Talk to her about stuff other than, "OMG, we had the BEST gig last night!"

    let her know your schedule FAR in advance, and prepare for the dreaded day when you have to tell her you will be on tour on her birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc.
    When that happens (and it will), you need to tell her over a nice dinner with more flowers.

    My lady is pretty good about being supportive, but there have been times when she is mad that she is alone at home having to take care of the leaky water heater while I am in Greece sunning myself on a beach on my day off.
  4. powmetalbassist

    powmetalbassist Supporting Member

    You my friend are a rare breed. Marriage usually equals musician death.
  5. D.A.R.K.

    D.A.R.K. Supporting Member

    Aug 20, 2003
    I've been touring heavily for near 20 years, married for 11 (home maybe a total of 5 of those 11 years). I do tour support as a foh engineer and tour with my own music in between. The only time it got a little rough was one year when I was home for 4 weeks total. Flying her to join us for european and japan legs hasn't hurt, that's for sure.
    No kids here either, if we did i'd change careers.
    My wife actually performs with me when she isn't busy getting another masters or making her own art, she is a killer VJ, sings and plays some piano.
    Never thought i'd get married, but when I found her I knew it would be foolishness to not ask. She has empowered me in a lot of ways, I raised my prices and tour a little less now but make more money over all. She is in 100% as long as I back her up on what she wants, which I do. We compromise for each other in the ways that really matter. I'm very lucky.
  6. Bassdirty


    Jul 23, 2010
    And..conversely. ..Musician can equal marriage death. ;)
  7. Tony B. Filthy

    Tony B. Filthy Supporting Member

    Oct 25, 2007
    Filthydelphia, USA
    Touring with a signed financially backed band...probably OK for a marriage.

    Touring with a professional events oriented band...probably OK for a marriage.

    Touring with an unsigned indie band living out of a van...probably pretty ridiculous for a marriage plus a lot of other things as well.
  8. tmdazed


    Sep 29, 2012
    have not toured (if there was anything sub z circuit , i would have been on it) since the 80's .

    1st marriage, i always had my instruments around, ex was militantly opposed to me practicing and playing in a band (violently once the kids came along) I said screw it , no point in me having these things around collecting dust and neglect so I sold everything

    fast forward 10 years later second marriage, I re connected with the first drummer I ever gigged with , we are again living in the same city and he has a studio built into his house, wants to get a band together. I talk to the wife, she says , I dont really care , long as rent is paid, foods in the fridge and bills are paid, have fun. so I go out and buy new gear ( still a little gunshy so I buy intermediate gear just in case to keep costs down) three years later band splits and i sit on my gear for another 7 years, practice occasionally (with my wifes encouraging , I must have been driving her nuts just sitting around) got int arcade games for a while, met another drummer and 2 guitar players, decide to put a band together again, play out of towners for a while , wife still ok with everything, several lineup changes later, probably about 25 grand worth of equipment and personal gear and involvement with three bands presently (including one with my son and several very talented musicians , do NOT know how those guys chose me to join), built a studio from my 25x30 garage, bought soundproof and recording gear and write music again, wife is still all good with it , i guess in my long winded convoluted way I am saying YOU HAVE A RARE BIRD THERE wake up , kiss her, tell her you love her and do it every day, they are rare , but they are out there, appreciate it when they come along and DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE
  9. Decide which has your devotion.

    Go from there.
  10. I know more than a few guys who did extensive touring back in the day. They also got divorced a couple of times. :meh:
  11. Kmonk


    Oct 18, 2012
    South Shore, Massachusetts
    Endorsing Artist: Fender, Spector, Ampeg, Curt Mangan Strings
    My wife has always been supportive. The first time I did a tour after we were married she told me she had three rules. "Don't do drugs, don't get arrested and don't get anyone pregnant". She actually meant don't have sex. I have never done drugs so that wasn't an issue, I never plan on doing anything which could get me arrested and I wasn't going to cheat on her. My wife's philosophy is pretty simple. Do whatever I like as long as it's legal and the mortgage and other bills are paid. However, I still felt guilty for leaving her and our son at home when I was on the road. Now that my son is grown, it doesn't bother me as much.