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Mental Health Hotline

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Mankind, Jan 27, 2005.


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  1. Mankind

    Mankind

    Oct 20, 2003
    England
    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
    so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

    If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory
    loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy
    to talk to you."


    :D
     
  2. That's terrible. Funny, but terrible.

    Rock on
    Eric
     
  3. Mankind

    Mankind

    Oct 20, 2003
    England
    More where that came from;



    Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

    Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.

    The girl said she was.

    A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

    Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

    The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

    Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

    "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
     
  4. Mankind

    Mankind

    Oct 20, 2003
    England
    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in ****pit.

    S: Something tightened in ****pit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're there for.



    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in ****pit.

    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
  5. These are great...

    Although I've seen this before...can't remember where...and IIRC, there were more.
     
  6. CamMcIntyre

    CamMcIntyre

    Jun 6, 2000
    USA
    The airplane ones-i cracked up laughing.

    The mental illness. Funny, but eh-parts hit close to home :) [i joke about it]. I found an inconsistancy-to my knowledge these 2 are the same.

    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
     
  7. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member Administrator

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    how about we don't post things that may unintentionally offend some folks. the airline jokes, otoh are quite good. :)
     



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