Morale boost

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by My_man_Freddy, Sep 14, 2001.

  1. All this WTC stuff is depressing so i thought some ppl out there could help cheer everyone up with there jokes about other band members. so come on give it your best!!!:D :D :D
  2. Davidoc

    Davidoc Guest

    Sep 2, 2000
    Northern VA and JMU
    What do you call someone who constantly hangs out with musicians?

    -A drummer
  3. Brendan


    Jun 18, 2000
    Portland, OR
    Q. What has 8 teeth and forty feet?
    A. The front row of a blue grass concert

    Q. Why is a drummer like a skud missile?
    A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

    Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
    A. When you plug them in they both suck.

    Q. How can you pick out a trombonists' kids on the playground?
    A. They're always complaining that the slide doesn't work right....and they NEVER swing!

    Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

    There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

    Q: Why does the guitarist leave his case on the dashboard?
    A: So he can park in the handicapped spot.

    Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
    A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs.
  4. cliff the 2nd

    cliff the 2nd Guest

    Oct 1, 2000
    how do u tell when there is a level stage?
    When the drummer drools out both sides his mouth
  5. paski

    paski Guest

    Sep 2, 2001
    Split, Croatia
    Classics, classics...:D
  6. melvin

    melvin Guest

    Apr 28, 2001
    Norm Macdonald as David Letterman on:

    Ah hee hee hee

    Norm Macdonald as David Letterman off

  7. ColonelZulu

    ColonelZulu Not Impressed By Those Who Flaunt “Authority” Supporting Member

    Apr 14, 2001
    Least common question in the English language...
    "Hey, isn't that the drummers Porsche?"

    What do you call a drummer who's between girlfreinds? Homeless.
  8. Not really a music joke more of a cat joke...

    Rules for Cats

    I. DOORS
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

    If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

    If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

    Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

    1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
    2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
    3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
    4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
    5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

    Stupid jokes are/is my life...
  9. stratfreak

    stratfreak Guest

    Aug 25, 2001
    southeast Missouri
    What does a guitarist and a Dominos pizza have in common?
    Neither one can feed a family of four.:D
  10. CaracasBass


    Jun 16, 2001
    Madrid, Spain
    Nice one...:D
  11. Ok. you might have to use your brain on this one but here it goes!

    A guitarist dosen't want the bassist to get all of the
    girls so using his tuner he tunes the bass CCCCC. Then when it's time for the gig they start playing and the guitarist plan backfires. the girls start screaming the name of the bassist and the the guitarist look at him, at then looks an the octave pedel he's using.

    :D :D
  12. Chasarms

    Chasarms Casual Observer

    May 24, 2001
    Saint Louis, MO USA
    How do you get a drummer off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza!!!

  13. Hey Im a DRUMMER!!! and it takes talent to play those things... well.. a little bit.. ok ok none. but.. still.. it wasnt too nice. Hehe. :( :)
  14. like i said.. IM A DRUMMER!!.. hehe i dont mind
  15. ???
  16. before u sumton said a joke about drummers so i replied to them.. then i say the other joke by u and said thats im a drummer... as i said b4. but.. nevermind
  17. Davidoc

    Davidoc Guest

    Sep 2, 2000
    Northern VA and JMU
    ??? and !!! seem to be the most misused terms on this board. I just find them offensive, even if that wasn't the original intention.

  18. huh? Explain.. Im a lil slow...:)
  19. Davidoc

    Davidoc Guest

    Sep 2, 2000
    Northern VA and JMU
    I think thekir supposed to mean 'I'm not sure what you mean', but they seem kinda rude to me is what I mean.