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Music definitions

Discussion in 'Off Topic [DB]' started by jimc, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. jimc


    Sep 17, 2002
    New Carsmell, CA
    I don't normally venture into the DB world but these definitions seemed more appropriate here, hope you like them....

    BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

    BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

    BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.

    CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

    CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

    CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

    CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

    CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

    CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

    DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.

    DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

    DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

    ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

    HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.

    JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

    JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

    LYRIC: That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

    MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

    MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

    NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

    NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

    ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

    PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

    PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

    PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.

    PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

    RAGA: The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

    RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

    SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

    STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

    STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

    UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

    VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

    WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.

    YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.
  2. Jake deVilliers

    Jake deVilliers Commercial User

    May 24, 2006
    Crescent Beach, BC
    Owner of The Bass Spa, String Repairman at Long & McQuade Vancouver
    Very nice! I love the definition of "Cruise Ship Work"! ;)
  3. Ed Fuqua

    Ed Fuqua

    Dec 13, 1999
    Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
    You've got one wrong in there:

    JAZZ FESTIVAL - an event for which people pay too much money to not listen to music that's not jazz anyway.
    Treyzer likes this.
  4. repoman


    Aug 11, 2011
    Kinderhook NY
    I lol'ed at lyric.
  5. Roger Davis

    Roger Davis

    May 24, 2006
    Yes, Cheltenham UK
  6. Ed Fuqua

    Ed Fuqua

    Dec 13, 1999
    Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
    I am still amused by the fact that the New Orleans festival still uses the abbreviation NOJazzFest....
  7. The Nola "Jazz Festival" has all kinds of music; blues, zydeco, R&b....jazz, not so much..:cool:

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