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Musical Terms and Country and Western Definitions

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by kirkdickinson, Mar 13, 2013.

  1. kirkdickinson

    kirkdickinson Supporting Member

    Forgive me if this has been posted before. I found this in 12 year old email and thought it was still funny.

    Musical Terms and Country and Western Definitions

    Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

    Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniels

    Ritard - There is one in every family

    Relative Major - An Uncle in the Marine Corps

    Relative Minor - A girlfirend

    Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

    Pianissimo - "Refill this beer bottle"

    Repeat - What you do until they expel you

    Treble - Women aint nothing but

    Bass - The things you run around in softball

    Portamento - A foreign country you've always wanted to see

    Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

    Arpeggio - "Aint he that storybook kid with the big nose thar grows"

    Tempo - A good choice for a used car

    A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville

    Transpositions - Men who wear dresses

    Cut time - Parole

    Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar

    Passing Tones - Frequently heard near the baked beans at a family BBQ

    Middle C - The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

    Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

    Tuba - A compound word: "Hey woman!, fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream"

    Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vaccums dog hair off of when company comes

    Whole Note - What's due after failing to pay the mortgage after a year

    Clef - What you try never to fall off of

    Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you do fall off

    Altos - Not to be confused with " Toms Toes", "Bubbas Toes", or "Dori-toes"

    Minor Third - Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

    Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn's singing dad

    12- tone scale - The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

    Quarter Tone - What most standard pick-up trucks can haul

    Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

    Clarinet - Named used on your second daughter if you already used Betty Jo

    Cello - The proper way to answer the phone

    Basson - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch,and when

    French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

    Cymbal - What they use on deer crossing signs, so you know what to sight your pistol with

    Bassa Nova - The car your foreman drives

    Time Signature - What you need from your boss when you forget to clock in

    First Inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

    Staccato - How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home

    Major Scale - What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain "Damn that was a Major Scale"

    Aeolin Mode - How you like mamas cherry pie

    Bach Corale - The place behind the barm where you keep the horses
  2. Raymeous


    Jul 2, 2010
    San Diego
    Very nice.

    Relative minor = Girlfriend

    Isn't that a Larry the Cable Guy kinda line? Wrong, so wrong, but still funny.

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