Musical Terms Defined, (humorously)

Here is a list of definition of terms related to music, that I found on Andrew Gilberts website, (with his permission): http://www.andrew-gilbert.com/

Assorted musical terms defined – well, maybe not quite!

Vibrato – used by string players and singers to disguise the fact that they’re hitting the wrong note

Portamento – the delicate art of sliding from the wrong note to the right one without anyone noticing

Accidentals – wrong notes – or - unexpected offspring

Andante – the lady who lives with Uncle

Perfect Interval – the bar is open

Diminished Interval – the conductor wants you back in early

Augmented Interval – the safety curtain has jammed, time for another beer

Bar Line – the queue formed during the interval

Diatonic – low calorie Schweppes

Melodic Minor – a small chorister

Relative Minor – a son, daughter, niece or nephew

Relative Major – an uncle in the army

Oboe – an ill wind that nobody blows good

Time Signature – what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

Attaca - fire at will

Perfect Fifth – full bottle of Jack Daniels

Diminished Fifth – half empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Allegro – rubbish British car

Maestro – another rubbish British car

Accelerando – what an Allegro or Maestro won’t do

Largo - Maximum speed of an Allegro or a Maestro – or - Handel’s favourite drink

Coda - Small green Jedi Knight – or – fried fish, often served with chipsa

p – the neighbours are in

f – the neighbours are out

fff – damn the neighbours!

Baton – a bread stick belonging to the conductor

Adlib – the music has fallen off the desk

Basso Profundo – a large fish

Senza Sordino – the famous Italian sword-swallower

Crotchet – a sort of knitting

Semibreve – what you do when you have a blocked nose

Breve – what you do when you nose is OK

Tenor – the singer’s usual fee

Slur – what the first violin said about the conductor behind his back

Tie – conductor, 1, orchestra 1

Espressivo – coffee

Molto espressivo – coffee for everyone

Timbre – dead trees used for making musical instruments

Perfect Pitch – got him out first time

Major Triad – big Chinese gang

Minor Triad – small Chinese gang

Diminished Triad – some of the gang have been arrested

Acciaccatura – a sneeze

Anacrusis – a lady who holidays on ocean liners

Baroque – out of cash

Colla Voce – the singer has forgotten the tune

Chorale – Bach’s Leslie when on slow speed

Cor Anglais – what’s left when you’ve eaten an English apple

Rondo Form – describes an overweight performer

Grave – Dead Slow

Lento – period just before Eastero

Inverted Canon – upside down gun

Retrograde Canon – gun facing the wrong way

Perpetual Canon – non-stop bombardment

Lyre – fibbing musician, hiding under the piano

Metronome – small person working on the Paris Underground

Polytonal – musical parrot

Portato – what you make chips with


I found Andrew on: The Organ Forum:
http://www.organforum.com/forums/forum.php

(Edit: Corrections due to PDF not pasting line breaks properly. Thanks for pointing it out, Andrew.)