Musical Terms Defined, (humorously)

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Hoochie Coochie Man, Dec 31, 2014.

  1. Hoochie Coochie Man

    Hoochie Coochie Man Supporting Member

    Jul 14, 2014
    The Chequamegon
    Here is a list of definition of terms related to music, that I found on Andrew Gilberts website, (with his permission):

    Assorted musical terms defined – well, maybe not quite!

    Vibrato – used by string players and singers to disguise the fact that they’re hitting the wrong note

    Portamento – the delicate art of sliding from the wrong note to the right one without anyone noticing

    Accidentals – wrong notes – or - unexpected offspring

    Andante – the lady who lives with Uncle

    Perfect Interval – the bar is open

    Diminished Interval – the conductor wants you back in early

    Augmented Interval – the safety curtain has jammed, time for another beer

    Bar Line – the queue formed during the interval

    Diatonic – low calorie Schweppes

    Melodic Minor – a small chorister

    Relative Minor – a son, daughter, niece or nephew

    Relative Major – an uncle in the army

    Oboe – an ill wind that nobody blows good

    Time Signature – what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

    Attaca - fire at will

    Perfect Fifth – full bottle of Jack Daniels

    Diminished Fifth – half empty bottle of Jack Daniels

    Allegro – rubbish British car

    Maestro – another rubbish British car

    Accelerando – what an Allegro or Maestro won’t do

    Largo - Maximum speed of an Allegro or a Maestro – or - Handel’s favourite drink

    Coda - Small green Jedi Knight – or – fried fish, often served with chipsa

    p – the neighbours are in

    f – the neighbours are out

    fff – damn the neighbours!

    Baton – a bread stick belonging to the conductor

    Adlib – the music has fallen off the desk

    Basso Profundo – a large fish

    Senza Sordino – the famous Italian sword-swallower

    Crotchet – a sort of knitting

    Semibreve – what you do when you have a blocked nose

    Breve – what you do when you nose is OK

    Tenor – the singer’s usual fee

    Slur – what the first violin said about the conductor behind his back

    Tie – conductor, 1, orchestra 1

    Espressivo – coffee

    Molto espressivo – coffee for everyone

    Timbre – dead trees used for making musical instruments

    Perfect Pitch – got him out first time

    Major Triad – big Chinese gang

    Minor Triad – small Chinese gang

    Diminished Triad – some of the gang have been arrested

    Acciaccatura – a sneeze

    Anacrusis – a lady who holidays on ocean liners

    Baroque – out of cash

    Colla Voce – the singer has forgotten the tune

    Chorale – Bach’s Leslie when on slow speed

    Cor Anglais – what’s left when you’ve eaten an English apple

    Rondo Form – describes an overweight performer

    Grave – Dead Slow

    Lento – period just before Eastero

    Inverted Canon – upside down gun

    Retrograde Canon – gun facing the wrong way

    Perpetual Canon – non-stop bombardment

    Lyre – fibbing musician, hiding under the piano

    Metronome – small person working on the Paris Underground

    Polytonal – musical parrot

    Portato – what you make chips with

    I found Andrew on: The Organ Forum:

    (Edit: Corrections due to PDF not pasting line breaks properly. Thanks for pointing it out, Andrew.)
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
    SteveCS, tato62, hrodbert696 and 4 others like this.
  2. furym


    Aug 31, 2014
    Carthage, NC
  3. SaxBass

    SaxBass Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Jun 17, 2003
    San Diego
    Most of these I hadn't heard! Brilliant! Thanks for posting!