"Musician" Jokes

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Sock Justice, Jun 24, 2002.

  1. So, I'm sure this has been done before, but I'd like to get this thread going for musician jokes, dig?

    Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A - One. Five. One. Five.

    Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?

    A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
    Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?

    A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

    Ok, so that's my piece, add on if you've heard any good ones lately.

  2. Blackbird

    Blackbird Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 18, 2000
    I think we can find room for this in "Bass Humor"...
  3. Sorry, I wasn't sure if it could go there, since it wasn't specifically for bass. Thanks for moving it, though.

  4. Another Thread dies a lonely death.
  5. Blackbird

    Blackbird Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Mar 18, 2000
    Well, you could give it more than three hours before pronouncing it dead...
  6. Good thing I'm not a doctor, huh? Heh
  7. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    LOL! more drummer shooting jokes!
  8. old_skool


    Aug 17, 2000
    Milwaukee, WI
    Well, I guess...

    Q:How can you tell which one of the kids on the playground is the guitarists?

    A:The one that doesnt know how to swing and cant use a slide properly.

    Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None, the keyboardist cand do it with his left hand.

    Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?

    A: Drool is running out of both corners of the drummers mouth.

    I probally botched some of theses up. Eh well. Enjoy.
  9. Skorzen


    Mar 15, 2002
    Springfield MA
    An acordian player parks his car in front of a resteraunt in NYC. Halfway through his meal he realizes that he left his acorian in plain view in the back seat of his car. He rushes out and sees with horror that sure enough, the window is broken. he runs up and looks in back seat and next to his acordian are ten more acordians.

    A gentleman is someone who knows how to play an acordian, but doesent.

    What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


    how do you get a drummer off you door step?

    Pay him for the pizza

    How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?

    the knocking speeds up and slows down.

    ok I'm sure I will remember more later
  10. lneal


    Apr 12, 2002
    Lee County, Alabama
    What do you call a french horn player with an answering machine?

    An optimist!

    What does a trombone player say when he gets to the gig?

    Wanna supersize that?

    What do you throw to a drowning bass player?

    His amp!
  11. Listen


    May 19, 2002
    hehe...stupid keyboards!
  12. PhatBasstard

    PhatBasstard Spector Dissector Supporting Member

    Feb 3, 2002
    Las Vegas, NV.
    OK. Heres a couple that are popular in Las Vegas:

    1. How can you tell a Las Vegas drummer is knocking at your door?

    The knock gets progressively slower.
    (I guess thats why sequencers have become so popular here.)

    2. How can your tell a Las Vegas "chick singer" is at your door?

    She cant find her key and doesn't know how to come in.

    3. How many Las Vegas "chick singers" does it take to change a light bulb?

    Punchline 1. One to hold the bulb and the world will revolve around her.

    Punchline 2. None. She'll get the band to do it for her.

    4. Where do you find a good Las Vegas agent?

    At the bottom of Lake Mead.

    Thank You and Good Night.
  13. Too lazy to type, Mike Lull's got a bunch of these here.
  14. Brendan


    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    I always though Mike had some of the best jokes.
  15. James Hart

    James Hart

    Feb 1, 2002
    Endorsing Artist: see profile
    yes it does
  16. Git-arist sees bass player* crying and in a fit of uncharacteristic pity goes up to talk to him:
    Git: What's the matter?
    Bass: The drummer's detuned one of my strings!...
    Git: So... What's the problem?
    Bass: He won't tell me which one!
    *NB: This works especially well if the bass player has >4 strings.

    Q: How many TBL subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 11. 1 to change the bulb, 5 to boast about how Jeff Berlin would have changed it, and another 5 to argue about whether JB's method is worth using.
    (I'm just telling it like I see it. ;) no offense meant!)

    Q: How many 8-string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb.
    A: Only one, but there are darn few to choose from.
  17. old_skool


    Aug 17, 2000
    Milwaukee, WI
    The bugger didnt work for me the first few times.
  18. Nick Gann

    Nick Gann Talkbass' Tubist in Residence

    Mar 24, 2002
    Silver Spring, MD
    What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
    A drummer.

    What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

    Why do bands have bass players?
    To translate for the drummer.

    Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
    It took two hours to get the drummer out.

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
    Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
    Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
    None. They have a machine to do that.


    Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
    So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

    What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
    With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

    Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

    I asked a drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
    He said, "the river or the state?"

    Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
    A: Homeless.

    Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
    A: The poster child for Birth Control.

    Q: What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
    A: Jerry's Kids.

    Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
    A: Give him a piece of sheet music.

    Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
    A: Mildly retarded.
    Q: What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination?
    A: Make a drummer the Vice-President.

    A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgen and told him of his problem. The surgen said, " I only have three brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?" The surgen said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap." The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?" The surgen said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricy." The man replied, " Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart." The surgen said, " The most expensive one I have, is a dummer's brain." The man said, " Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgen replied, " We'll because it's never been used before."

    Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
    A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
    Q#2: How can you make that drummer stop?
    A#2: Put notes on it!
  19. Nick Gann

    Nick Gann Talkbass' Tubist in Residence

    Mar 24, 2002
    Silver Spring, MD
    Q: What is an oboe good for?
    A: Fire wood

    Q: What is a bassoon good for?
    A: see above

    Q: What is the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
    A: The bassoon burns longer

    Q: What is the best use of an oboe?
    A: Fire starter for the bassoon

    Q: What is the difference between a bartione sax and a chainsaw?
    A: The exhaust

    Q:What do you call a trombone player with a beeper and a cell phone?
    A: An optimist

    Q: What is the difference between a trombone player walking down the road and a 7 year old walking down the road?
    A: The 7 year old might be going to a gig

    Q: How do you get 2 flute players to play in tune with other?
    A: You shoot one

    You are stuck in an enclosed room with Fidel Castro, Osama Bin Laden, and a drummer. You have a gun with 2 (and only 2) bullets in it. What do you do?
    A: You shoot the drummer twice to make sure

    Q: How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: 4. one to hold the bulb, and the other three to drink till the room spins

    Q: Did you see the drummer with the 170 IQ?
    A: I didn't either...

    :D :D :D :D