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Must read for Performing Musicians LOL!

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by jimbob, Jul 15, 2005.


  1. jimbob

    jimbob

    Dec 26, 2001
    Charlotte NC
    Endorsing Artist: Acoustica Mixcraft; Endorsing Artist: DR Strings
    I got this a couple months back via e-mail from another Cover Band Musician. I don't know if it has been posted on this site before but Every musician I forwarded it to loved it! Enjoy!


    MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS

    When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.

    Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory

    If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

    It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

    Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

    If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

    IMPORTANT

    When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

    TALKING WITH THE BAND

    The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

    Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

    HELPING THE BAND

    If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.

    If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

    VERY IMPORTANT

    Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

    BONUS TIP

    As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig ...
     
  2. That's great! Thanks for sharing :cool:
     
  3. Steve

    Steve

    Aug 10, 2001
    Brilliant. If I may add...

    and be sure to grab and shake the mic stand when people are singing into it. They love getting fat lips and chipped teeth.
     
  4. ryco

    ryco

    Apr 24, 2005
    97465
    And always set yer drink on the stage - that's what it's there for. Musicians LOVE sticky cords. If ya can spill it on the monitor you get bonus points!
     
  5. DaftCat

    DaftCat

    Jul 26, 2004
    Medicine Hat
    Loved this! I might print this off, laminate it and give it out to some while we perform.

    I'd like to add this:

    The band also encourages to have you walk up unexpectedly and pose between the guitar player and the microphone. Your friend should be ready with a camera on the dance floor. Guitar players LOVE it when you trample on their floorboards also for that extra effect to bring out the tune.
     
  6. DblG

    DblG

    Apr 27, 2005
    Buffalo, NY
    It's funny 'cause it's true! :D

    I'd like to add: Talking into the guitarist's ear who is in the middle of a solo, or touching his fingers in the middle of a solo. Or, best yet: Walking on stage, sneaking up behind the unsuspecting guitarist, and pulling his gym shorts down around his ankles. :eek: (Yup, all the same fella.)
    And how about those harmonica players??? Or the people who actually bring their OWN tamborines to bang out of time? :help:

    (+1,000,000 on spilling beer in the monitors thing!) :scowl:
     
  7. FenderHotRod

    FenderHotRod

    Sep 1, 2004
    Arkansas
    LOL...That was great.. thanks for posting that.
     
  8. Cerb

    Cerb

    Sep 27, 2004
    Indiana
    Great stuff! If you don't mind, I think I'm going to put this on my website.
     
  9. Skavenger

    Skavenger

    May 26, 2002
    Sweden
    Oh, those damn drunkards that can never realize they are so bad at singing...
    "Do you know Cadillac? Me too!" and take it as an invitation...But I guess it's all showbuisness.
     
  10. Wow , those people are frightening! You know you're in trouble when they come look thru and rearrange all the sheets on your music stand! :scowl: AAGGHHH! Gotta love 'em, right? :rolleyes:
     
  11. JAL

    JAL

    Dec 15, 2004
    Cleveland, Ohio
    Freakin hilarious. To add:
    Shephard the ugly ladies to the front, where we can see then in all their glory.
     
  12. Where's that 'ill take the 2 uglies that are left' quote when you need it:p

    Great stuff in there. I just hope no one shows up at your next gig, doing those things and waving a printout of the email in front of you (and then tripping over the cables, knocking out half the amps)