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My grandpa's a pervert! Help!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Hategear, Oct 2, 2002.

  1. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin
    This Sunday, my family and I are getting together for lunch, to celebrate my birthday. Here's where the problem lies: Whenever my grandpa is around my girlfriend, he touches her and makes sexual comments to her, making her (and when I find out about it later, me) feel extremely uncomfortable. This has been going on for a long, long time now and I really don't know how I should handle it. In the beginning, I told her she should try to steer clear of him. I told her I would try not to leave her side, but if I did, she should be on the lookout for him and get away from him if she sees him approaching. "Don't let him get you alone," I said. Also, I haven't said anything up until now, because he's my grandpa, because he's 80-some years old, because he's had several strokes (which makes me think that he doesn't even know what he's doing) and because if my grandmother and/or my mother were to find out about what he's been doing, it would absolutely devastate them both (and when this first started happening, my GF asked me not to tell my mom about it). Maybe I am kidding myself, thinking that gramps doesn't know what he's doing, because he only approaches her to grope her and talk dirty to her when she's by herself. I guess this tells me he's smart enough to know that what he's doing is wrong (as much as I hate to think that).

    Do any of you have some suggestions on how I could handle this sitch? I am thinking about letting my brother in on what's happening, in hopes that he can help me keep an eye on gramps. You know -- in the event that I have to go to the bathroom or something. If that doesn't work, I'll just grope his wife and see how he likes it!

    :D :D
  2. well, it sounds like a sticky situation. i think the obvious answer is to have your girlfriend stay away when your grandfather is around, if at all possible.

    if it were me, and the situation continued to get worse and worse, i think i would confront him with it.
  3. Man, that must be uncomfortable for both you and your girlfriend. I agree that his behavior should somehow be stopped. At the same time, you're trying to protect your family by not saying anything. Meanwhile you're bottling up all of this discomfort.

    Does he know that you know what he's up to? Well, I guess he would have to assume you know about it because your girlfriend would logically tell you. Maybe next time give him a knowing look so that he knows that you're on to him.

    Could strokes cause people to act weird? Or maybe he's just getting old? Or is it possible that that's just the way he is and always has been, in which case prople must know how me might be prone to behave.

    The crappy thing is he's your grandfather and it's a sensitive situation because your family is at stake. But you and your girlfriend shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior for the sake of everyone's peace if he crosses the line too far.
  4. Chris Fitzgerald

    Chris Fitzgerald Student of Life Staff Member Administrator

    Oct 19, 2000
    Louisville, KY
    Actually, it's well documented that they can. Strokes directly affect the portion of the brain where they occur, and they can occur near almost any type to "behavior center" that the brain has to offer. I have personal experience with a grandparent who went from a thoughtful, quiet introspective type to a non stop talker who kept making Lorena Bobbit jokes out of the blue. Fortunately, the strokes were minor and the original personality took back over after a month or so. But major strokes can have longer lasting and even permanent effects on personality and behavior, which is sad.

    HG, Has he always been like this?

  5. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin
    Since I started bringing my GF around, yeah. She is the first girlfriend that either of my grandparents have met. We have been seeing each other for almost four years now.

    The whole situation started with a comment about her breast size decreasing (she's lost about 20 pounds). Apparently, he touched the side of one of 'em and said, "They're smaller, but I like 'em anyway." I didn't hear about anything after that, until about a month ago, when he referred to the fact that he couldn't see her pantyline through her dress pants, so he deduced that she wasn't wearing any underwear. He said something like, "I like what you're wearing -- it makes it easy to tell what you're not wearing."

    Am I being a pansy by not saying something to my grandfather? Cuz I kind of feel like one.

  6. Chris Fitzgerald

    Chris Fitzgerald Student of Life Staff Member Administrator

    Oct 19, 2000
    Louisville, KY
    I meant, was he like this with anyone that you know of before he had the strokes?

  7. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin

  8. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    That stinks man. I know how dissappointing it is to find out that something like this is happening with a family member and I feel for ya.

    Whether it's the strokes or not though I feel like the only thing to do is talk to him about it, gently one-on-one and maybe slightly more firmly if need be. Sometimes that's all it takes. I honestly hope that's all it takes for you. If nothing is done it will keep happening and possibly turn into something more serious and traumatic for someone. Something has to change.

    brad cook
  9. bizzaro


    Aug 21, 2000
    I think you need to tell Gramps to cut the crap. Tell him his behavior is rude, offensive, disrespectfull and won't be tolerated. I would bet he knows what he is up to and will stop once you confront him. Tell him he is damaging his relationship with you. He may need to be reminded now and again but I would bet he will back off. Hell, make him apoligize to her. That way he has to face and acknowlege his actions are inappropriate. This should even further the resolve to end his antics.
    Good Luck.
  10. Strokes can cause behavioral changes, but it seems like (as you said) he knows he's wrong, because he only does it if he's alone. First, as has been mentioned, don't let her be alone with him. Now obvioulsy that may not be always possible. If it were me, as uncomfortable as it would be, I'd say something to him about it. It makes your girlfriend uncomfortable, and it makes you uncomfortable, putting some stress in a family situation that (if you're like my family) has enough stress already. ;)

    Just quietly and politely let him know that it makes you and your g/f uncomfortable, and ask him to stop. If he continues, get beligerently drunk, knock over some houseplants, and punch him in the mouth. No, not really, but the "hittin' on grandma" idea was pretty good.

    Seriously though, it sounds as if he knows what he is doing. If he had alzheimers, I would think differently, but like Chris said, behavioral changes due to strokes are typically temporary. My wife agreed with Chris, and she's a nurse and has had several years experience working in nursing homes, so I trust her opinion on this matter.

    Polite confrontation is the best course of action IMO.
  11. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
    Wow. A very awkward situation indeed. Knowing he's in his 80s and has suffered a stroke does make it entirely unlikely that he's not in a normal state of mind when he macks on your lady. I would probably not suggestion any sort of confrontation, either polite or not. If he's not conscious of what's he's doing, I doubt he would either admit to it, or even be aware of it in the first place. This situation does sound like one were simply avoiding the problem may in fact work, as it doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are around your paps too much. Seek the help of your brother only if he's trustworth.

  12. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member In Memoriam

    I am very wary of giving advice in a situation like this and so don't take this as anything more than an observation or comment - and as I don't know the people involved, I could be way off track here.

    So anyway - my comment is that nobody has mentioned who is the real "victim" here - so H's girfriend is presumably the one who is most "inconvenienced" here?

    Now my view is that some people I know wouldn't stand for this behaviour - they would slap his face, shout and make a fuss etc etc

    I mean - of course it is a very awkward situation, but does anybody really want to be a victim and wouldn't they be better off "empowered" to do something about it - like shout out or in extremes - let off some kind of alarm or retaliation?

    Anyway - just an avenue for thought and as I say I could be way wrong - just that nobody seems to have come at it from this "angle" so far?
  13. superfreak

    superfreak Unregistered

    Aug 18, 2002
    Clarksville, TN
    Ok, I have been in this situation before. Several times. It is a family member...Hategears girlfriend is afraid of making a scene and/or causing tension in the family. She is counting on Hategear to help her out in this situation. The gf is trying not to make any waves, and doing everything she can to keep the waters calm within the family. I may be reading your post incorrectly so if I am, please forgive me, however, She is a victim and she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She loves HateGear, and doesn't want to cause problems within the family, that is why she told him and that is why he is trying to be at her side at all time. Hategear, you cannot be by her side at all times and we know you can't take her to the bathroom with you. Try to talk to your gramps about this, however, if you can't, the idea with your brother is a good one. Four eyes is better than two. Good luck.
  14. In my opinion, you owe it to both your girlfriend and your family to say something to your grandfather about this. As superfreak said, it is quite likely that your g/f is counting on you to protect her from this situation. I think you owe it to her to let your grandfather know this behavior is unacceptable.

    I also think that it is important for your family that you do so because if they are unaware of his behavior, their ignorance of it may wind up putting someone else in this highly uncomfortable position.

    Were I in your shoes, I would tell him (not in a hateful way, but in no uncertain terms) that behavior like this will not be tolerated and to let me know if he ever learns to keep his hands and comments to himself. I would then take my girlfriend and leave. If you can't be honest with your family and trust them to NOT act so inappropriately with someone you care about, then (IMO) you need to seperate yourself and your g/f from the source of the problem.

    This is, of course, simply my opinion, so take it as you will. In my family we are all very close and have a lot of love and respect for each other. We also each have a line that is not to be crossed when it comes to the way we deal with family members significant others. If that line is crossed, the offender is called on it and given the opportunity to apologize and change the offending behavior. If the apology and change do not occur, then that person is simply left out until he/she learns to behave appropriately (which generally doesn't take long).

    I hope all is resolved for the best.
  15. You need to either talk to your grandpa about it, or just tell your grandmother or mother about it - I bet they would put a stop to that REAL quick. Which one of these difficult choices is easier for you? Neither of these will be easy to deal with, but pick the easiest one. You don't want your girlfriend to feel totally uncomfortable every time she sees your family. I haven't seen anybody say it yet, but this is definitely the kind of thing that would lead some people to break off a relationship - feeling uncomfortable or having a bad relationship with the family.

    Obviously, it is a lot easier for me to tell you this than for me to actually be in your shoes and be dealing with it. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.
  16. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    Who needs Ann Landers when you've got Talkbassers?!

    brad cook
  17. well this is complicated but you need to get your gf out of this situation its realy not fair to her.
  18. Hategear,

    I think you should tell your mom what's going on. I'm not an expert on stokes and what effect they have on a person's behaviour, but, you mentioned he actually touched one of her breasts?


    Some people still retain a sharp mind as they get older, and old age is no excuse for him to grope her. Doing nothing about this situation is simply a green light to your grandfather to keep on doing this. I mean, what's next? Maybe he'll try to walk in on her while she's in the shower?

    Forgive me for coming on like General Patton, but, being drunk, stonned, depressed, old or whatever doesn't give anyone the right to do such things.

    By trying not to make waves encourages him.

    Mike J.

    P.S. Happy birthday. :)
  19. i am replying to this post for a reason. hate, your gf went to you for help. she needs you to take up for her and put a stop to this. he needs to know you know what he is doing. and the question is, is she the only one. and because of age, no one is speaking out. my sister says 4 eyes is better than 2. however, you both can not be there around her at all times. this could very well ruin your relationship with her if she feels she can trust you to help her with this situation. she is the victim, regardless of what anyone says. your gf is making her the victim. people do not ask to have this done to them. i am saying this to what someone else said. not everyone runs screaming and yelling about something like this. i know this for a fact and from experience. to put this on her is wrong. hate, if you love her you will stick up for her. that is what she needs most of all. if you speak to him about this and let him know you will not accept this behavior from him, that is telling her you do not agree with what he is doing and showing your support in a greater way. regardless of age, health, whatever, no one has the right to do this to another person. he may stop when you speak up.
    sorry if i offended anyone
    morning dove:)
  20. Tyler Dupont

    Tyler Dupont Wesly Headpush

    corner grandpa and grab his bum... ask "how do you like it!?"

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