My latest stab at poetry

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Velocimaniac, Dec 14, 2002.

  1. I think it's a talented piece of work

    0 vote(s)
  2. This is garbage

    1 vote(s)
  1. Velocimaniac


    Jun 14, 2002

    Maybe if you traced the patterns without care
    The runes of your lust would shine, a little more dull
    Raise down your hands to the sky
    Bring the fire up from heaven
    Fatten the sheep for the keeping
    Execute the faithful for their loyalty
    Are you blinded from opening your eyes?
    With every chanted word
    You hypertrophy
    Open up your soul a little wider
    It’s not enough for your spirit to seep out
    Take the hunger in at the same time
    Feed off the void of your bursting mind
    Partake of the arcane
    Don’t you grasp that the slave bidden will deny you?
    Etch the misery of your ecstasy into the stars themselves
    When the dawn ascends again
    You’ll have it all
    Power exchanged for your smiles and tears

    …so hollow

    any good?
  2. Not my speed, but if you want a career as a thrash metal lyricist you're probably in good shape.

  3. it was decently good, more lyrical the poem like. very thrashy i agree.
  4. have you read much modern poetry? i mean, i don't wanna sound like ezra pound here, but it might be to your benefit to start with thomas hardy and work your way up to the present.
  5. Velocimaniac


    Jun 14, 2002
    No, I haven't read much modern poetry at all. Besides a few occasional visits to a poetry site over half a year ago and what I've had to read in english, I haven't read any modern poetry(unless you count lyrics...)
  6. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    Well...your not William Carlos williams(my favorite poet)
    its not bad, it doesn't speak to me, but I'm overly critical :D
  7. Woodchuck


    Apr 21, 2000
    Atlanta / Macon (sigh)
    Gallien Krueger for the last 12 years!
    That's nuthin'! Check this out:
    There once was a man from Nantucket...........

    Pretty cool.
  8. hey, i'm a big fan of WCW myself. i also have quite a weakness for wallace stevens.
  9. ldiezman


    Jul 11, 2001
    That doesn't seem to make sense.. I think I know what you are trying to say.. But saying Raise down is a contradiction
  10. Velocimaniac


    Jun 14, 2002
    Raise down your hands to the sky
    Bring the fire up from heaven

    Yes, that was the point...I was trying to allude to fires from below in those two lines, if that makes any sense. (Hell, modern-day nuclear weapons, etc)