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Need LOVE advice

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by powderfinger, Jun 3, 2011.


  1. powderfinger

    powderfinger

    Feb 24, 2009
    Ok, not the typical "love advice" most people ask for, but I'd like some input. I really effed up a relationship with a very special woman about 2 yrs ago. It was mostly my fault that I didn't work out, and I can accept the blame now. We ended on horrible terms, and haven't spoken to one another in 2 years, or even passed by eachother in public or anything. Im not on her Facebook or anything, so I really don't even know where she is right now in her life. I think she has had a boyfriend though for a while. Not sure, just grapevine.

    I know its over now. I accept that. I doubt it would be wise to even try again at this point, but she *was* my most serious relationship to date, and our friendship went back to the early 90s, and we were friends in college as well, and remained friends until we began dating 5-6 years ago.

    Anyhow, time has caught up with me, and Ive thought about her alot. Id like so much to send her an email maybe, just telling her I am "sorry", bc I never got to say it. I want to make peace with her. I hate that a lifetime friendship, and a good relationship got so bad, and ended SO horribly. Would this be a bad idea? I cant call her, as I dont have her phone # any longer. I want to make peace in my heart, and maybe put it out there that we can be friends again one day....

    Thoughts? I know I joke alot here, but this is 100% serious. I really effed up,. and want to make peace.
     
  2. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Move on, leave it alone. Learn from it and apply the lessons to future relationships.
     
  3. hover

    hover

    Oct 4, 2008
    Massachusetts
    yeah. all you will succeed in is opening old wounds, no matter how "noble* your intent. You take the blame, leave her to have moved on.
     
  4. You should write all that and send it. Women respect sincerity, and I mean unless you did something that could creep her out (hit her, stalk her, etc) if you pour it all out and just let her know you are truly sorry and just would like to make peace, I think she would receive it well.
     
  5. Relic

    Relic Cow are you?

    Sep 12, 2006
    Robbinsville, NJ
    The heck with her or how she feels, if you feel bad, then you need to do what you need to do.

    I would try to get an email address, or something like that and just keep it short and simple, ala;

    "I was thinking about you recently, I hope you're doing great. I can't help but to feel bad about what happened, it still bugs me. I just wanted to say, sorry. Take care"

    After that, MOVE on and stop looking back.
     
  6. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Write your apology out on paper, put it in a sealed bottle, and cast it into a river or the sea. If it is meant to be, she will find it. If not, leave it alone.

    -Mike
     
  7. This^^^^ I went the route of the OP once and it left me even more upset, should have just left it alone.
     
  8. hover

    hover

    Oct 4, 2008
    Massachusetts
    Maybe that was what caused the initial oopsie in question...not a good stance to take, imo.
     
  9. powderfinger

    powderfinger

    Feb 24, 2009
    Guys,

    Some of you say walk away. Other suggest sincerity/honesty.

    I can say that I did nothing horrible to her. I never hit her, cheated on her, stalked her, or anything like that. Ill be honest with you guys.... I was very self-centered for a while, and did not pay her the attention she deserved. I was mean to her oftentimes, and took her for granted. She in turn I think started growing apart from me. Once I noticed her slipping away, I got scared, and would end up being mean to her and picking fights about it. I didnt handle it right. But no, there was never any property damage, physical contact, stalking, cheating, etc. involved.

    I can the cons in contacting her as well, as many of you pointed out. Opening old wounds, etc.

    But I also know Ive had this need to make peace for 2 years now, and it hasnt let up any. Im not obsessed with her, and I dont even plan to "win her back". I just need to make peace, and open the door for friendship.... I mean, we were friends from 1991 to about 2008.... thats a tough loss.... :(
     
  10. machine gewehr

    machine gewehr

    Sep 17, 2005
    Istanbul
    The estimated population of world is around 6.92 billion.

    Your relationship with this one (1) woman ended on bad terms.

    You do the math ;)
     
  11. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    Oh joy, summer is finally here!
     
  12. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    I'm in a very similar spot. I was best friends with this girl for 8 years and only saw her as a friend for the longest time. Actually, I saw her almost as family because we were so close, and I loved her to death as a person.

    Anyways, we went away to different colleges but stayed in touch, and over one Christmas Break we ended up hanging out and falling for each other. It was crazy considering we use to hang out a lot in the past, but something was different that time.

    Things were absolutely perfect for about 8 months, but after the following summer we both went back to school and things changed. She became much busier with school (she goes to Georgia Tech and is in a very demanding field), and also picked up a job at the CRC, started marathon training, and a number of other little things. Basically, she ran out of time for me. I wouldn't complain because I was busy myself (I'm double majoring and double minoring), but it got to the point where we would only text each other once a day to say good morning and that would be it.

    Long story short, we broke up and said we would remain friends. I took a few months off from her to get my head in a place where we could be friends again, and ever since settling back into the 'single James' routine I've been trying to talk to her about once a month or so, but she never responds to my texts or calls, or if she does (which is incredibly rare) she's VERY blunt and not herself.

    Honestly, I've become heartbroken over this. It's not like she's completely gone but she might as well be because things aren't even close to what they once were. It's just hard losing someone who meant the world to you for almost 9 years (nearly half my entire life).

    I dunno why I felt like sharing this experience, but I guess I can tell you that I definitely relate. It sucks a lot. Hopefully I can learn something from this thread, too.
     
  13. powderfinger

    powderfinger

    Feb 24, 2009
    If she was just finishing at Tech, she was probably at a turning point in her life, where things really start to change, and sadly, you weren't a part of her "new life". Sorta like how Winnie Cooper never time for Kevin Arnold on the latter seasons of the Wonder Years when she got older(bad analogy, but true). I am glad you shared your story. Sometimes it just helps to talk and get it out.

    I suspect though, that you and her will come back into eachothers lives later on though.... when both of you are more set in life and settled in a bit.
     
  14. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Bonus points for the Wonder Years analogy. Great show.

    -Mike
     
  15. I had a similar situation, although (to my eternal shame) I did do bad things.

    Years later, I sent her a simple Facebook message (as I felt it would not be appropriate to send an email). It read:

    "I hope that enough time has passed that I can say this without re-opening old woulds; I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and if you ever need a hand, I'll be around. All the best."

    To my immense surprise, she called me a few days later, thanked me for the note, apologized to me for what she had done, and we chatted for a bit. And that was that.

    I felt a lot better afterwards, and was able to move on.

    +1 on the poster who said it's not about her; if you have something to get off your chest, you ain't gonna breathe right until you do.
     
  16. EBodious

    EBodious

    Aug 2, 2006
    Iowa
    i think there is wisdom in the "leave it alone" camp. i definitely agree that you either learn and grow from your past relationships (and screw ups) or you are doomed to repeat them. so, first and foremost learn and grow from this experience and don't carry your baggage into the next one. i think that is most important.

    however, i also agree with relic. apologies are not really for the wronged person, they are for wrong-doer. being told, "i forgive you" is a great result, but the act of apologizing is the real purpose. i had a messy break up from a serious (at least at the time) relationship and it wasn't till about 10 yrs later that we got back to being friends. and it took that long for me. now, we are great confidants in each others grown-up, parenting lives (thru email, she lives far away). i value our friendship.

    i think that emailing her a carefully worded apology is a good idea for you. whether or not it is good for her, is not something i, or you, or anybody else can predict. and there is no need to. what she does with your email is her business. it may open a door to reconciliation, but it may take a long time for her to respond. i suggest keeping it short and simple. if it helps you move on (not linger!) then good for you.
     
  17. 1. Find an email or snail mail address through mutual friends, alumni association, etc.
    2. Write a short, sincere apology as Relic suggested. I've done it (as part of "making amends" in a 12-step program); it felt good and brought me a sense of closure and completeness.
    3. Post pics. No pics, no ex-GF.
     
  18. powderfinger

    powderfinger

    Feb 24, 2009
    WHen I said I'd send her an email, I meant a Facebook message, as I dont have her cell # or email address anymore in my address book (I ended up deleting all her info after our breakup so I wouldnt be tempted/able to contact her ever again). I was thinking of saying something similar... you worded your message perfectly IMO.

    I can see 3 things happening...

    1) she sends me a msg back, and tells me how glad she is that I contacted her to make peace

    2) nothing happens (ie she doesnt respond), which would make me feel horrible....

    or

    3) she msgs me back and says "eff you.. i hate your guts" and copies my msg onto her Facebook for all 900 of her "friends" to read and laugh at.
     
  19. pacojas

    pacojas "FYYA BUN"

    Oct 11, 2009
    MEXICANADAMERICA
    leave it alone!!!

    i'm in the opposite position to yours. long love relationship with a super hot woman. we grew apart and i left town. now, a few years later, she frequently tries to connect with me and it creeps me out. i NEVER respond and she keeps trying. GRRRRRR!!!

    i've moved on and love another. maybe you should put your energy into something fresh. if you have a girl, cool... if not, find one and have fun! gl.
     
  20. Phalex

    Phalex Semper Gumby Supporting Member

    Oct 3, 2006
    G.R. MI
    Remove the light bulb from an ordinary desk lamp, stick your junk into the empty socket, and turn the power on. Repeat each and every time you want to contact her.

    I just saved you a year or two of your life and probably several thousand dollars in therapy.....
     

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