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Need some advice--friendship is crumbling

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Vince S., May 12, 2005.

  1. Vince S.

    Vince S. Resident Former Bassist

    Jan 24, 2003
    Hey all

    Sorry to post a "teen angst" thread, but this is something that is really important to me.

    I have been best friends with NJ for almost two years. I was a very shy guy back then and didn't have that many friends. She really opened up to me and accepted me for who I am. Although we both have grown and changed we are still very close.

    For the past four months, she has been dating a guy named Rob. He is a nice guy, or so I thought. He and I were somewhat friends though we never hung out much. However, I got a good impression of him and was happy that NJ found a good guy.

    But, there's another side to that story. They have an obsessive relationship. They see each other a couple days on the weekdays, and the entire weekend. On the days they cannot see each other, they are on the phone for hours. Whenever they're together, they're "all over each other" in that they are always cuddling, kissing etc. For the past few months, anytime I asked NJ to hang out, she would tell me she can't because she'll be seeing Rob. I was annoyed by this somewhat, cause I rarely saw her anymore. But I shrugged it off and kept it to myself for a while.

    Tonight, I asked her if she could hang out on friday, and she said she'll be with Rob. It was at that time that I finally raised the subject of her seeing him all the time. I told her I hadn't seen her in several weeks, and that since she saw him almost every day, one day wouldn't really mean anything. She then got extremely defensive, and told me that I "didn't want her to be happy." I asked her how that was so, and she said "well if you wanted me to be happy you'd let me be with Rob."

    That then turned into a very long AIM conversation, with Rob on the phone with her while she typed. She told me she "is in love" with him and that I wouldn't know and will never know what love is. That really hit deep, so I told her that IMO she isn't in love; that it's a high school infatuation. Here is the AIM convo from that part:

    NJ: he says: **** off
    NJ: you know why i know we're in love and you dont, because you've never had a girl in love with you

    She continued to type out what her boyfriend has to say on the line. He basically told me that I didn't deserve to have a best friend like her, and basically flung insults. I used to think he was a good guy, but after that, my opinion is completely changed.

    I'm really more upset than angry now. Her boyfriend wants her to stop being friends with me, and I think she may cut me off because he wants her to.

    Thank you for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.

  2. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Kill them both, pour turpentine on the bodies, then bury the bodies.
  3. That's low. I say, leave them alone. When they break up and realise what jerks they have been (NJ especially: she's supposed to be your friend), she'll probably come running back asking for forgiveness, or whatever.

    Bottom line, friends don't treat friends like that. One of my "friends" has been ignoring me lately and hasn't given me a reason why she's pissed off at me so, and tough crap for her if she changes her mind, I've left her alone too, and gone to hang out with my other friends. It's childish behaviour, and I'm certainly not going to put up with it.

    Good luck - while my advice mightn't be the best ever, it's still advice.
  4. +1!
  5. Do it near my house, so Gil Grissom can come solve the case, and I can watch from over my fence. :p
  6. I think I can help you on this one; I've seen it before. Just don't worry about it, and don't bother. There's nothing you can say or do that won't piss off NJ, and she's being irrational about it. You seem to have it down with the whole "high-school relationship" thing. Whenever you hear that bit about "well.. well... we're in love, and you've never been in love and don't know what it is!", just back off. It's a sign of insecurity and irrationality. My advice is to not get overly concerned with it, and to wait it out.

    (Btw, when they eventually split up, there's a good chance that there will be alot of emotional harm done on both sides, and there will be all sorts of subtle revenge plans between the two lovers, and they'll still be defensive if you try to talk some sense into them.)
  7. Petebass


    Dec 22, 2002
    QLD Australia
    Vince you probably don't want to hear this, but it sure reads like you are jealous of this guy. Are you sure you only want to be friends with this girl? Seems to me like you hoped for more but saw all chances of that slip away when he turned up.

    I know how you feel. I've been there too. But unfortunately, life isn't always fair. You're better off making peace with NJ and her BF, and let their romance take it's course. They may last, they may not, but you should try and remain friends with both of them. It's better for everyone, especially you.
  8. nah i don't see him as being jealous, or wanting more from the girl according to his post, it hurts seeing a close friend move on, no matter what their sex is. I say he has good reason to have said that it bothers him, just don't fight about it, fighting won't change the facts only make the friendship more strained. So now that she knows how you feel, leave on good terms and lay low for a while, she will come back. :)
  9. pbass1


    Dec 8, 2004
    ahahahahahaha thats the funniest thing ive heard all day...

    shell come back to you when its over...until then ignore her
  10. Don't_Fret

    Don't_Fret Justin Schornstein

    Dec 10, 2003
    I've been there, Vince. Just don't think about it. The minute you forget about her, she'll come back to you. High school sucks, I know, but you'll feel better when it's all over.
  11. :D
    And I've only just woken up, too. :smug:
  12. Josh Ryan

    Josh Ryan - that dog won't hunt, Monsignor. Supporting Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    Dragging the corpse from CT to Australia would certainly keep the dogs at bay.
  13. burk48237

    burk48237 Supporting Member

    Nov 22, 2004
    Oak Park, MI
    I hate to tell you this, but try being 47 and single, ALL of my friends are married, engaged, and some have kids that are getting close. And every female friend I've ever had with one exception, has totally disapeared when they got a significant other and basically I expect it. It's the male friends where it drives me nuts, I understand it with a female friend , chemistry can get wiered, but the guys who use to hang somtimes will just totally abandon you to hang out with other couples. I had one friend, who I stood up in his weeding and he never returned a phone call or made any effort to contact me after the wedding. The facts of life I guess :confused:
  14. I was gonna stay out of this, but I'm unemployed and up because of a screaming child, so what the hell.

    1) Nothing you can do or say will change this situation. We have all been there. As I'm sure you know, some relationships just demand more "on time". After it subsides (whenever that is), they will start looking for their old friends to fill in the time.

    2) Your involvement, no matter what your actual intention, looks to him like you are trying to move in on his girl. Your previous best-friendship is not factored in. To her, you are screwing with something that she enjoys, and she wonders why you would do that. Crazy explanations for your actions will be the norm.

    3) Her insults and his bravado are products of #2

    4) Dude, you like her.

  15. `ash


    Feb 26, 2004
    to all the people that said he likes her and might be jealous, +1 on that

    seems like their relationship has stirred up some issue you have. maybe you resent her because she hadnt considered anything more than a friendship with you. Maybe you resent him for doing something that you were too slow/too shy/too late in doing. Who knows.
    Suck it up and move on. you're young. chicks dont make great friends anyway.
  16. jade


    Mar 8, 2002
    I lost one of my best childhood friends when she started dating. I couldn't plan anything with her since she was busy. Her priorities were; school, work, boyfriend then everything else. She rarely had any free time and all the free time would be spent with her boyfriend. Even when we did plan a day, she was leave early to hang out with her boyfriend. I feel your pain. I was basically her last friend since the rest of them had given up on her. Sadly, I've given up on her too. I dont want to be friends with someone who doesnt have the time to be friends. I'm sure my friend would probably marry this guy. Once they have no friends to invite to the wedding, they will realize there is more to life then each other.

    I dont think you want her. It seems to me you are just aware of the state of your friendship. It's hard to lose a good friend. From the sounds of it, it doesnt seem they will likely last long. She would most likely come crying back to you when they break up. My advise is to let her know that you've tried being friends and have her to contact you when she wants to continue the friendship. You've done all you could and now you have to let her make her own mistakes.
  17. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    This situation will repeat itself a few times before you grow up. Especially when a girl you like has some other dude for a boyfriend.

    Pay attention to how it plays out. Learn from this one so the next time this happens you won't need to ask a bunch of musicians how to handle it.

  18. kserg


    Feb 20, 2004
    San Jose, CA
    Eh Don't be a wussy [​IMG]

    put on some sexy cloths [​IMG]

    Saduce her boyfriend and take pictures [​IMG]

    Tell her he is cheating [​IMG]

    She will dumb him [​IMG]


    be sexy with her [​IMG]

    Suprise her [​IMG]

    She will be yours [​IMG]

    You win [​IMG]

    May the force be with you [​IMG]

    Kids and their problems...
  19. Steve


    Aug 10, 2001
    And you thought being a grown up was going to be so cool. Stay up late, eat what you want, do what you want.....

    Dad was right. Those where the best years of your life. It's over. It's all downhill from here and life just gets harder and harder.

    Welcome to the machine. Today, you are a man.

    Wait till one comes along and pulls your still beating heart out of your chest and holds it up for you to look at before she throws it on the ground and stomps all over it.

    Have I cheered you up yet?
  20. Mike Shevlin

    Mike Shevlin

    Feb 16, 2005
    Las Vegas
    We've all been there.....it's just that you are there now. You've got it bad for a chick who is your 'friend'. Your biggest problem is that.....this is the cruel part......she is NOT INTERESTED in you romantically. When this jerk dumps her she will come running to you with all the boo hoo hoo...you've buy her story.... and then she'll FIND ANOTHER DUDE. Come to think of it.....this is cruel also....she sounds like......brace yourself..........kind of a jerk herself if she is so willing to stick up her nose at the whole world when boy wonder came into the picture. Practice your bass (funky slapping stuff usually works the best), play at some school functions, and you'll have more chicks than a henhouse.
    Good Luck from Las Vegas

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