New Poem

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Melf, Sep 4, 2003.

  1. Melf


    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    Actually I've written a lot since the last time I posted one, but I think this is one of my best works. Feel free to criticize as you see fit.

    Mark of the Beast

    The sun gazes blankly at us,
    Eclipses your shining eyes,
    And my roving tongue elicits a giggle or two
    Your mouth’s wide open, begging me for more;
    Quivering with the effort of holding me in
    Like tangy, juicy, rotten fruit
    Wish I could be here inside you forever
    It’s just one more thing I can’t take for myself
    And I could almost scream,
    Pour out my wet frustration with a vengeance
    Would it were that complex
    Among you and I
    But I’m just as filthy as you are

    It's about a girl who offered herself to me last week. I said no of course, but I decided to write about her and above poem was what came out.

    By the way, I know that in the part here:

    "Among you and I" among is not supposed to be used. But read it again and think about it, maybe you'll get what I was trying to say.

    Oh, and mods please delete if it's inappropriate. I didn't think it was but I could be wrong.
  2. unharmed

    unharmed Iron Fishes

    May 19, 2003
    London, England
    <BR><BR>Why "of course"?
  3. Melf


    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    Well, considering I had only known her(barely) for a week and she was already willing to put out, I decided that she probably had some sort of veneral disease. And having warts on my genitals just doesn't sound fun.
  4. unharmed

    unharmed Iron Fishes

    May 19, 2003
    London, England
    Fair 'nuff. Thought you might have been a monk or something :p
  5. BaroqueBass


    Jul 8, 2000
    Salem, OR
    With todays treatments you can acquire genital diseases and still live a normal semi-healthy life, even if you get lupus or herpes! :cool:

    as far as the poem goes, it's pretty crappy, but that's ohkay, because I loveeee bad teenage poetry. I used to write alot of it myself.
  6. Melf


    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    Could you elaborate a little more on why it's so bad?

    originally posted by unharmed

    Actually I probably shouldn't have made light of the sex thing, because it misrepresents my ideas. Pretty much I am a monk, and I wouldn't have had sex with her even if she had been a serious girlfriend. But, that's just me...
  7. unharmed

    unharmed Iron Fishes

    May 19, 2003
    London, England
    <BR><BR>Why is that? Religion or just asexual? Also, if I interpreted the poem correctly, it sounds like you already have ;)
  8. Melf


    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    No, no, the poem was about what might have happened, or what could have happened if I had taken her up on the offer. I'm pretty much asexual because I think sex messes up relationships. I don't think people my age are mature enough to handle it, and thus the relationship becomes dependent on sex and erodes.
  9. Thor

    Thor Moderator Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Well, you certainly are entitled to your own views on relationships.

    You can LIVE with herpes, but you are a heck of a lot better off not getting it. And you should certainly know a person well enough to inquire if they have or have had STD's if you plan to have sex with them.

    But I wanted to talk about the poem.

    As a musician, I tend to look for themes in the meters. 1234,or 1and 2and 3and 4and. Etc.
    Look at it like songwriting. The meter of the words fits into measures. You are allowed to change times, but the poetry is more effective if you incorporate consistent meters. Or sets of meters. This means you also have to construct the phrase or couplet in such a way it fits in, which is very hard.

    You just have to keep working it over and over till you think it works. In your own words.
    But worth working on.