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Odd feeling - why am I not as happy as I could be?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by AmazingGracePlayer, Aug 18, 2007.

  1. Well, I got back from my trip to China three or four hours ago, and ever since I got on the plane to New Jersey, I'm having this odd feeling - it's a mix of sadness and regret (for what I don't know). There's really someone I could tell this too, but, here it goes...

    I was born and raised in China. When I was 7, my mom came to America, and when I was 8, my dad came. So since I started school, I was raised by my grandma (on my mom's side), my grandparents on my dad's side, and my aunt. I guess at that time, I was closest to my mom's mother. But when I was 9 or 10, she also came to America to live with my mom. After my mom and dad left, my grandparents always tell me these stories of how my mom and dad loved me, and these past three weeks I went to see them, they still told me the same stories I remember hearing when I was a kid; those stories I knew were true, but they sounded very very odd to me. Odd is the only word I could use because I don't know any other word to describe that unique feeling.

    Aside from my grandparents, my aunt helped to raise me since I was 4. She bought me presents when she got raises, and she took me here and there to play on some of her business or vacation trips. Without much exaggeration, I can confidently say that my aunt is no less a mother to me than my real mother. This time I went to visit with my dad and sister, it's also she who arranged all the things we did in China. Now I look back, I guess that when I was young, I liked her because she bought me presents and took me to play often... I guess that's normal for a kid, I would also expect a kid to love someone when the person buys him stuff and takes him places to play.

    When I was 11, I came to America and attended school. Roughly a month after, my aunt married. And some months later she had a baby boy. Two years after, she divorced and the kid stayed with her.

    Now, 6 years later, I went back to visit. My aunt told me that she's always treated me as her son and her friend, which I guess is why she seems very motherly to me; and after I left for America, she felt very lonely and then had a child. When I was there, she asked me if I wanted to get a job in China after I finish college and medical school here in America. I didn't want to, but I didn't tell her that.

    On the plane on my way back, I thought about it, and I really DO want to stay in China after I become a doctor. I asked myself, why do I want to stay in China? Because my aunt will buy me presents even when I'm 25? Most likely not. Because my grandparents are there? Probably not just because of them. So I thought and I thought on my way back, but couldn't find a solid reason. America IS more advanced than China, the environment is better, it's less populated here, people earn more money here, but I don't know why China seems more appealing.

    After my mom picked up my dad, my sister, and I at the airport, I sat in the car and felt the excitement and energy level have dropped dramatically. Unlike my aunt, who's "child-like" and understands people more than anyone (she's a business woman), my mom seem to lack the energy and youth. My family here in America also seems more depressing and empty than when we were all in China ten or so years ago.

    And now I'm having this feeling, because here in NJ, it feels very "empty" and everyone seems a lot less happier than those in China... Anyone ever had this kind of mysterious feeling (probably not)? What should I do? And I can't sleep because now it's 10:30 in the morning in China... :(
  2. Ultimately of course, it's up to you. But I say, do whatever makes you happy even if you can't figure out _why_ it would make you happy. You only live once.

    My two cents.
  3. Ericman197


    Feb 23, 2004
    NJ pre-med kids rep. I'm applying right now.
  4. jady


    Jul 21, 2006
    Modesto, CA
    Your body and soul knows what it needs even if it can't explain and convey it to your conscious mind. Listen to yourself, you will regret it if you don't.
  5. Baryonyx

    Baryonyx Banned

    Jul 11, 2005
    Marathon Man
    You've got to follow your heart and do what makes you happy.
  6. ROON


    Aug 5, 2006
    Sydney, Australia
    Do you feel misplaced?

    I feel the same way you do sometimes, but it's not so extreme. I have been lucky enough to travel a lot and see many places that my friends or other relatives will never see... I've been to places like America, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, New Zealand, England... all over... New Zealand is my favourite country, I've been there 4 times now, my last visit was in January.

    From the second I set foot in New Zealand for the first time I felt really at home... it was just a good feeling, who knows why I got it but it felt great!!! My dad was living there for 2 or 3 years on a business contract while my mum and I lived back in Sydney in Australia.

    I've been lucky enough to see about 99% of New Zealand, and I have loved everywhere I have been. I have never met someone who has given me a hard time, or been rude to me*. I've never really felt at home in Sydney, or anywhere in Australia for that matter... it's kinda strange because I was born and raised here, why wouldn't I feel at home? There is just something I really like about NZ, I feel comfortable, trouble-free, and most of all I feel like I'm a part of the community, something I don't feel in Sydney.

    On return from my January trip, I was looking out the window of the plane on our approach into Sydney. It's horrible. The horizon is brown from smog, there are miles and miles and miles of houses that you fly over before you land. It's like a concrete jungle. It's so congested, and yuck. I've noticed that in Sydney especially, people are always very uptight. Kinda like nobody wants to speak to you, like you're getting in everyone's way. People seem to always be annoyed or in a rush to get somewhere. In NZ I've never noticed this, people are much more considerate, people are smiling, having fun and talking to you. In Wellington walking out at night-time when there aren't many people around, the odd pedestrian would say hello to me!

    The result of last January's trip to NZ: Depression (yeah yeah call me an emo or whatever. :p). It's just made me realise how much I dislike Australia, I mean, I really can't stand it, I just want to get out and go live in NZ. Sadly things like that are easier said than done.

    I feel your pain... :meh:

    * - The only Kiwi who's given me a hard time was the dude at the immigration booth at the airport, he thought I was a bit of a hooligan because I'm a metalhead with long messy hair and black band t-shirts. :p :D
  7. New Zealand compared to Sidney is like Tianjin (where I lived in China) compared to New Jersey. I'll be honest, China is no better than America. But something about it makes it feel more suitable. I think it's probably because one - I was raised there, and two - family members and friends get together and communicate more often. It seems to be that here in U.S. maybe it's the loneliness (of my family as a whole) that makes it seem sad.
  8. ROON


    Aug 5, 2006
    Sydney, Australia
    My dad, my mum and I all communicate a lot better in NZ too, I know my mum feels loves it there, and my dad likes it too (although he is still grumpy about how horrible the Kiwi's are for business negotiations :p). We're all a lot happier there and that's a great feeling. It's sad that we can't be there at the moment, but hopefully one day I will be able to move there. As a whole I think Australia is a better working country (education and health are great, plus the Aussie dollar isn't too bad. :)) but I really just want to be in NZ. There is only one problem... I don't think NZ has a bass store. :eek: :p
  9. Bryan316

    Bryan316 Banned

    Dec 20, 2006
    Dude, I felt this way after a week vacation in the rural northern Virginia, and coming back home to Detroit. That was a WEEK.

    Sometimes, it's easier to feel at home elsewhere than "home".

    Maybe you attribute it to cultural identity moreso than family relations. China is your homeland. You're quite lucky to be able to jump back and forth like that, to experience your heritage. I couldn't really jump over to Hungary to meet the dozen cousins and 4-5 aunts and uncles I have never even met. But I have a feeling, that if I ever traveled there, I'd not want to come home either.
  10. It's hard to ignore your roots. I went to live in Ireland for a while, since that's where both my parents were born, and I've always felt a connection to the place. It was great. If it wasn't for the less-than-ideal work situation I had, and the fact that I found it very hard to make friends there, I'd probably still be there.

    I think your medical skills will be a lot more appreciated back in China - OK, the financial rewards in the US will undoubtedly be greater, but I suspect you'll be a lot more fulfilled as a doctor in China, your work and qualifications will be more appreciated.

    Our next move will be back to the US, I think. My wife's finding it hard to ignore her roots. :)
  11. Yeah, I think if I were born in the US and raised by my parents, I wouldn't find China as amazing as I do now. Doctors from US/UK/Europe/etc are greatly appreciated, and the average pay for a good surgeon is about 4-6 million yuan (Chinese currency) a year. Currently, the Yuan to Dollar ratio is 7.2 to 1, which makes it about 600,000-800,000 USD a year (quite high), and the value of Yuan is still rising. :p
  12. Like a lot of things, we just don't have the population required to support something like that.
  13. JNowiski


    Jan 16, 2006
    that sounds pretty good to me. :D
  14. ROON


    Aug 5, 2006
    Sydney, Australia
    Maybe we should start one when I move there. :p

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