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Official Bass Player Offenses & Fines Form

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Craig Garfinkel, Jun 19, 2003.


  1. Craig Garfinkel

    Craig Garfinkel

    Aug 25, 2000
    Hartford, CT
    Endorsing Artist: Sadowsky Guitars
    Bass player offenses/fines list
    >
    > Name of offender _____________________________
    > Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______
    >
    > Musical offenses
    >
    > Playing loudly during warm up - $10
    > Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
    > Loud cursing after mistake - $10
    > Playing high and fast after mistake - $20
    > Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20
    > Asking for "E" tuning note - $25
    > Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50
    > Playing written-out walking line - $50
    > Failure to play written walking line - $75
    > Writing note names over ledger-line notes - $50
    > Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
    > Playing eighth notes - $5 each
    > Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each
    > Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    > Dragging fast tempo - $75
    > Dragging ballad tempo - $100
    > Blacking out during ballad - $200
    > Ignoring drummer's tempo - $100
    > Following drummer's tempo - $250
    > Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me - $1000
    >
    > Upright player offenses
    >
    > Showing up before first downbeat - $25
    > Playing audibly - $25
    > Faking changes - $25
    > Slapping - $150
    > Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25
    > Excessive sweating - $25
    > Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50
    > Asking leader for a solo - $30
    > Accepting solo when offered - $50
    > Taking second chorus - $100
    > Playing solo arco - $400
    > Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $25
    > Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200
    > Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500
    >
    > Electric player offenses
    >
    > Checking hair between tunes - $15
    > Experimenting with odd meters - $25
    > Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25
    > Playing with a pick - $50
    > Tuning during ballad - $30
    > Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75
    > Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
    > Attempting last word on final chord - $50
    > Achieving last word on final chord - $100
    > Long gliss down to final note - $200
    >
    > Equipment violations-electric
    >
    > Forgetting strap - $10
    > Changing strings after every set - $15
    > Using electric tuner - $15
    > Setting up mic "just in case" - $75
    > Forgetting to turn amp on - $40
    > Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in
    > 1 trip - $50
    > Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25
    > Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4
    > Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass
    > Skull decals on bass - $150
    > Bringing fretless bass - $500
    >
    > Criminal bad taste
    >
    > Telling bone player about all the gigs you get - $10
    > Asking bone player about their day gig - $10
    > Sitting behind drums on break - $10
    > Quoting "Birdland" - $25
    > Practicing scales during break - $25
    > Practicing scales during drum solo - $50
    > Practicing - $150
    > Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" - $50
    > Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you
    > are "into sequencing" - $100
    >
    > Basic stupidity
    >
    > Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10
    > Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20
    > Asking when the rock set starts - $20
    > Continually asking "where are we?" - $25
    > Continually shouting "Yeah!" - $25
    > Asking bone player where "1" is - $50
    > Taking cellphone call during 4's - $100
     
  2. I know a good one:

    Tuning your 5-string bass down a whole step and playing like Fieldy: death by firing squad. :D
     
  3. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    Mexico
    >Posting for the tenth time the "Official Bass Player Offenses & Fines Form" on Bass Humor Forum - $1000
     
  4. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    It's my fault ... last night, after finishing a song with a long gliss on the last note, it reminded me of the list. I told the rest of the band that I have the list somewhere, but probably wouldn't be able to find it. Now I have it again. Craig was just playing into my unusually powerful karma.
     
  5. Craig Garfinkel

    Craig Garfinkel

    Aug 25, 2000
    Hartford, CT
    Endorsing Artist: Sadowsky Guitars
    Where do I send the check?
     
  6. Craig Garfinkel

    Craig Garfinkel

    Aug 25, 2000
    Hartford, CT
    Endorsing Artist: Sadowsky Guitars
    Well...how 'bout we come up with some new ones then (or has this been done already too)?

    More than three wraps of bass strings around posts - $25

    More than six wraps - $100

    Strings wrapped in the wrong direction around posts - $50

    Uncut string ends sticking out a la g**tar players - $400

    Telling the g**tar player he isn't loud enough - $500

    Playing a "signature model" bass - $50

    Playing a Fieldy signature model bass - $4,537.29

    Bringing more than two speaker cabs to the gig - $15 per extra cabinet

    Having more than six total speakers in all cabs - $20 per extra speaker
     
  7. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Owning a Fodera: $4,600

    Owning more than one Fodera: $6,200 per extra Fodera
     
  8. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Owning an Alembic and a Fodera: Death ... by munjibunga
     
  9. Electric bassist fines, addendum:

    Being a $10 player with a $10,000 rig - $1,327

    Muddy, whoomping sound that scoots drinks off the tables - $168

    Bright sound that buries the hi-hat - $214

    Constant droning whole notes all night, not playing the "holes" - $198



    :meh:
     
  10. Wearing favorite band's t-shirt at gig: $100

    Wearing own band's t-shirt at gig: $500

    Shouting out name of town/club between songs: $50

    Making "devil horns" to friends in crowd: $25

    Any "witty banter" between songs: $10 per joke

    Making "witty banter" if you aren't the lead singer: $100 per joke

    Walking over to lead guitarist and watching him during solo: $125

    Looking at drummer when he screws up: $30

    Jumping off a speaker or riser: $200



    I'm definitely guilty of a few of those...it was not pretty either people
     
  11. fastplant

    fastplant

    Sep 26, 2002
    Connecticut
    Oh no! That one alone will make me broke! Haha, I think I'm guilty of about 95% of what's on this page! :p
     
  12. I didn't know danny lilker from anthrax/s.o.d./brutal truth was posting here under an assumed name :)

    cj
     
  13. fastplant

    fastplant

    Sep 26, 2002
    Connecticut
    Ssshhhhhh :ninja:
     
  14. [​IMG]


    (I just like that little bandit smily guy...)
     
  15. Danny R.

    Danny R. Supporting Member

    Good one :D
     
  16. guitar player and bass player jumping in unison - $100
    guitar player, bass player, and singer jumping in unison - $200
    guitar player, bass player, singer, and drummer jumping in unison - $2,000,000
    unaccompanied solo (any instrument) - $1000


    offenses that I am guilty of:
    having more than 4 effects pedals at a gig - $100 for each additional pedal (that about 600 bucks for me)
    unknown problem with effects before/during a set - $2000
    switching basses more than once in a set - $500
    playing a song during your set that has not been rehearsed nearly enough - $1,000
    playing a song during your set that you have never played at all - $10,000
    singing lyrics away from a mic (when you never even sing backup...) - $300
    my most frequent offense-
    non stop complaining about all the mistakes you made after a show - $500
     
  17. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    I don't get it.
     
  18. Fuzzbass

    Fuzzbass P5 with overdrive Supporting Member

    I think I get it, and I think I'm guilty. :meh:
     
  19. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    Mexico
    1327 + 10 = 1337

    or something like that

    and please dont tell me you dont understand what "1337" stands for!

    :D
     
  20. Fuzzbass

    Fuzzbass P5 with overdrive Supporting Member

    In addition to some of the offenses listed above, I've also been guilty of:

    1. Using volume knob as tremolo effect - $100 per instance
    2. Plucking open string with right hand and taking photos with left - $350 but officer, it was only during the guitar solo in "Roadhouse Blues"!
    3. Cheering the guitarist - $500
    4. Cheering the guitarist during or after extended solo - $1000
    5. Don't have a mic but still sing along - $50
    6a. Spending more than 20 seconds with any stranger who says he can play and wants to sit in with the band - $100 if you don't want to be the bad cop, send him to the guitarist
    6b. Stranger is drunk and you say anything besides "No" - $1000
    7. Playing a fast flurry of notes at the finale of a song - $100 per flurry