I gotta get this off my chest...in the three years since getting back into orchestral playing, I played my very worst concert today. If I tried to play worse, I could not have. It was as if I were doing a parody of a guy who thought he could play but really couldn't, or a comedy chase scene where a guy hides out in a bass section, trying to look like he's playing while the bad guys are looking for him. The program was all Debussy and Ravel, with some Copland thrown in. I'm sitting third chair. I got the first B-flat of Faun right, but things went in the crapper soon after. Missed entrances, played over cut offs, wrong notes, backward bowing, I played a nice loud solo in a G.P. You name it, it went wrong. To say I played 30% would be generous. My confidence, which is never 100%, was totally thrown. The more I tried to fix it, the more things fell apart. We ended with Bolero, which is tough to mess up. But by that time, I was so distracted, I completely missed the entrance after the clarinet solo...by a good eight bars. I'm sure the rest of the section thought I was either drunk or having some kind of meltdown. Weird thing is, the dress rehearsal went fine. No problems following the stick, was on my toes, made all the ritenutos, entrances we clean and confident. Just can't explain what happened. Was like Steve Blass, the all star pitcher who walked out on the mound one day and found he forgot how to throw the ball. At the end, I packed up and and tore out not wanting any contact with other musicians. I felt absolutely horrible. It honestly would have been better performance had I not been there at all. I felt I made no contribution to the section nor the orchestra whatsoever. Next concert is two weeks away. Hope things improve. Another one like that one I'll might be ready to pack it in. That's it... just wanted to vent. Any suggestions welcome though. Thanks.