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Poem I Just wrote

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Bob Clayton, Apr 26, 2003.

  1. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    i wrote this in like 5 minutes...

    see what you think...

    wanring: contains mentions of death/suicide and drugs...sorry mods....i'll understand if this needs to be closed or deleted

    vacant thoughts
    run though my head
    as i sit here
    confused on my bed

    wondering if
    things didn't go that way
    would you still
    be here today

    if only we didn't
    smoke all that stuff
    if only we didn't
    get so (messed)* up

    we were so dumb
    to get in the car
    we all knew
    we wouldn't get far

    i was driving
    blame it on me
    but i swear to god
    i didn't see the tree

    when i got out
    i layed in the mud
    only now soaked
    with everyone's blood

    at the hospital
    i cried by your side
    until the day
    the doctor said you died

    at the funeral
    i had no more tears
    for i lost my best friend
    of so many years

    i could not look
    your parents in the face
    their look of heartache
    could not be replaced

    now i stand at that tree
    with something i must do
    as i tie it to a branch
    put my head in the noose

    *I had a different word when i wrote it...

  2. Vince S.

    Vince S. Resident Former Bassist

    Jan 24, 2003
    Hmmm....I dunno. The rhyming, IMO, didnt help convey the mood, and it was too literal in some areas. I think a little symbolism and less rhyming.
  3. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    yeah i kno what you mean, but when i write it, it just doesn't feel write unless i rhyme....all the songs that i write rhyme also

  4. Prime Mover

    Prime Mover

    Feb 16, 2003
    TN, USA
  5. corky st. clair

    corky st. clair

    Apr 22, 2003
    well it certainly rhymes
  6. Smells like fruit to me,...what that means I am still unaware of.

  7. as lyrics to a song, it's OK. as a poem, it's really not good at all. if you're going to write a poem that rhymes (which nobody really does anymore) you should at least make sure every word has a purpose. there are countless places where it's obvious you're throwing in words simply to complete the meter or rhyme.

    also, avoid cliches. "i swear to god" is said so often that it doesn't have nearly the amount of meaning you intend it to have.

    don't be so explicit, either. leave things open to interpretation.

    most importantly, it doesn't let us know how you feel. and just naming the emotion, like "i feel sad" doesn't count. you need to describe it in a way that makes US feel it. i can't tell you exactly how, you need to be very clever. which is why good poets are rare. as it is, the poem doesn't get the sadness across, and thus the suicidal ending seems ridiculously exaggerated.
  8. Melf


    Mar 20, 2003
    Starkville, MS
    As a poem in general, I like the theme of it. However, I don't think you took enough time in really conveying actions and feelings. Specifically right here:

    we were so dumb
    to get in the car
    we all knew
    we wouldn't get far

    Also, not trying to be a grammar nitpick, but it's "lay" instead if "layed";). Try throwing in some more descriptive adjectives, like "spreading blood", or "grey funeral". You can show the mood of the scene instead of describing it, which makes it a better work of poetry. And what I just showed you is rudimentary; try that on a more complex level. If you want to share any more poetry, then feel free. I always like reading dark poetry and have some of my own if you'd like to see it:)
  9. Brevity and allusion are a more useful way to sound poetic than just spilling your feelings onto the page. You need to be cinematic and reserved, particularly when you write about death.

    Evening rain descends upon cold mourners,
    Gravestones like graceful elephants charge into the dusk.
    The weeping mother and stoic father have no fresh blossoms to shed on the coffin
    Of their only quiet suicide son.

    If you can't think of anything yourself, don't hesitate to rip someone off. Chairman Mao, in my case.
  10. ....................................try haiku.
  11. Gia


    Feb 28, 2001
  12. I like it.