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Portrait of a gui**** thread

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by NickInMesa, Oct 4, 2009.

  1. I thought we could start yet another fun thread.

    I know some bass guys can be something else (and sometimes deserve the nickname basstard), but this one dude that showed up at practice tonight is probably the ultimate in gui****ness.

    Showed up with 3 guitars. All tuned standard. One has a Jeff Beck autograph (his Strat), the other one a Joe Sat' autograph (the Ibanez of course). Oh, ok, so this was the reason to bring these two extra guitars: to show off the autographs.

    Does not know theory, does not know chord names, can't read music, can't read tabs (who can't read tabs, seriously?), can't even read cheat sheets (of course, since he does not know a single chord).

    So we had to play over recordings, since otherwise we could not practice. When stuff was in 1/2 step down, I had to tell him he needed to detune. Which is why I suggesting "next time" to bring a guitar detuned 1/2 step down.

    Asks me if really so many people played 1/2 step down? Sure, we were just playing over GNR's Used To Love Her (we have to start with the easy stuff) and he could not realize it was 1/2 step down. Seriously. He was completely out of tune with the rest of the song but could not tell it.

    When he tried to detune 1/2 step down, he first detuned all his strings at random, then tried to tune then by ear. No tuner. No. Does not own one. Three guitars, a serious Marshall amp, no tuner.

    After 5 minutes I asked him if he wanted to use my tuner. Because he did not know the name of the strings 1/2 step down, he failed. I had to say "ok let's retune standard and go like this".

    All his chords were fingered the same. 1st finger on 1, 2nd on 5th and that was it, everything else open, wherever he was on the neck. Up, down, up, down, whatever, whenever, shredding totally at random. Even when I kept playing JUST THE ROOT, so he would get the clue, he would shred random stuff that did not make sense. I made letters with my mouth, like it would help. I even asked him to show me a G and he could not (he was proud of not knowing).

    Did not know ANYTHING. Oh yes, Paranoid. Badly. I was expecting Smoke On The Water or Ironman. No. What a disappointment.

    When we asked him if he had songs he wanted to play, he handed over a CD of Whitesnake. He wanted to play #3 and #7 (?!?). We had to tell him a cover band plays popular songs, except once in a great while an obscure cover of an unknown great song for the fun of it. That if we were a hair metal cover band, sure, why not, but not a 70-00s cover band trying to please a wide audience.

    When I was trying to talk, or my drummer was, he would shred just to show off. Like a 15-year old at GC. Except he was 35, married, with kids. Embarrassing.

    And on top of that: he gave me a terrible headache, while I was wearing some serious ear plugs.

    If you know of a worst gui**** than that, please post a portrait.
  2. Stumbo

    Stumbo Wherever you go, there you are. Supporting Member Commercial User

    Feb 11, 2008
    the Cali Intergalctic Mind Space
    Song Surgeon slow downer software- full 4 hour demo
    Seems like he's been playing in his room for too long.
  3. [​IMG]
  4. bobknowsbass


    Jul 27, 2009
    Monrovia, CA
  5. Jimmy Bones

    Jimmy Bones

    Feb 24, 2009
    Baxley, GA
    Reminds me of my dad.

    Hocked a firebird for beer one day and kept his knockoff strat.

    He'd promised me the firebird. :(
  6. Jimmy Bones

    Jimmy Bones

    Feb 24, 2009
    Baxley, GA

    I'll bet none of them are tuned down.

    Or all of them are.
  7. Jimmy Bones

    Jimmy Bones

    Feb 24, 2009
    Baxley, GA

    Guitarist in training.


    Most guitarists are garbage anyhow.
  8. Sounds pretty normal for when I used to audition guys years ago...

    Actually one guy does stand out from the crowd. I was auditioning Guitarists for a fairly standard heavy-ish classic rock cover band (Zep, Stones, Purple, etc.). The ad stated the usual; own transport, appropriate pro gear, yada yada yada.

    After trying every delusional hopeful in creation, we had a guy named Don turn up.

    On a bicycle...

    With an Alto Sax...

    He'd apparently broken a string on his guitar so he brought the Sax instead...

    And it was an Acoustic guitar anyway...

    The Drummer and I were pretty stunned, We couldn't get our collective wits together enough to tell him to just leave, so we did a "tune" with him.

    You know that advice for really out, free-improv playing where they say learn your instrument thoroughly and then play as if you know nothing? Don had the second part down in spades.

    He couldn't understand why he didn't get the job...
  9. So I emailed the drummer to tell him this will not work, obviously.

    I am sure he is gonna get into trouble, because the idiot and his wife have been invited to the party.

    I am NOT playing with that idiot ever again.
  10. Cyber Soda

    Cyber Soda

    Sep 24, 2008
    ... This would be funny if my jaw weren't on the floor.
  11. naturalkinds


    Jan 22, 2009
    Savannah, GA
    That is hilarious. Should've spent the price of the Satriani on some lessons.
  12. LaklandBass


    Jan 26, 2005
    Not a gui**** but rather a singer of sorts.... so i was in a nu-metal band in the late 90's and we had a album and all that good shtuff but like every metal band our singer was a druggie dbag. So enter the vocalist tryouts... hahaha this dude shows up at our space after replying to an add and seems pretty cool and all so we chill for about 30 minutes before hearing him sing. Well we had told him on the phone a week earlier to pick 2 songs off the album to use for the tryout. Keep in mind, any two songs... his pick. we get our guitars on, turn up the amps...... let some feedback start..... and then it happened. He took off his shirt on got in some henry rollins sort of attack stance. at that point i knew we were in for a treat. This guy then proceeds to skip the intro and verse simply nodding with some harda$$ phil anselmo look on his face rather then sing. For the chorus he screams the title of the song at the top of his lungs and then goes back to that menacing stare for the verse. After the song I just had to ask him what the other song he learned was.... to which he replied.........."i was working on the first one all week so i didnt have time to do the other one."
    Im sure you can guess that he didnt get a call back.
  13. BillMason

    BillMason Supporting Member

    Mar 6, 2007
    Doesn't sound like a guitar player to me, sounds like a guy with three sets of prosthetic genitals.
  14. Nashrakh


    Aug 16, 2008
    Hamburg, Germany
    I think that could've been awesome if he knew how to play the Sax well.
  15. The drummer emailed me to apologize for wasting my time :)

    At least he agrees.

    Oh and he apparently used one effect, screamo distortion from his Marshall amp.
  16. jive1

    jive1 Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    I don't get this. Why do people bask in musical ignorance like it's some type of ideal? That somehow knowing basic music theory takes the "soul" out of your playing.

    The truth is that knowing about music will show you what you don't know, and people don't always want to know that.

    But seriously, if you can't read music your inspiration is limited to only what you have heard. If you don't know theory, you are limited in your ability to communicate with other musicians. If you don't know theory, you have less of a foundation to put new things you learned onto.

    Willful ignorance is never a virtue in music. NEVER.
  17. I forgot the worst part:

    When he showed up he told us he was not currently in a band because he sucked.

    I thought he was joking.

    Next time a guy shows up telling us he sucks, I just pack up.
  18. jive1

    jive1 Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    Here's a gui**** for ya

  19. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    I dunno, man. He sounded like a real winner to me! :bassist::bassist::bassist:
  20. Discount Saint

    Discount Saint Bassist for the music in my head Supporting Member

    Jan 26, 2007
    Victoria, BC, Canada
    Wow - this sounds eerily similar to a tryout I had once with a Grade-A gui**** who had promised that he was "Really good". (First sign of a bad idea).

    Guy came in with once of those Zak Wylde guitars with the crazy paint job), and didn't bring an amp now that I think of it. Anyway, we try playing a few of our tunes, and its obvious right from the start that the guy is in some kind of alternate universe playing a completely different song.

    So we stopped and asked if he would like us to play the recording so he could get a better idea what the guitar part was like, and his response was "No, just play and I'll come up with something". I actually mentioned to him that we actually already had the song pretty much the way we wanted it, including the guitar parts, but that didn't deter him, so again we start playing a song and he's just wailing away making some of the most horrid sounds I've ever heard come out of a guitar.

    We then decided to try the opposite approach and play along to one of his songs - so he starts playing a few riffs; nothing mind-blowing but not terrible either. Problem was, when I tried to find out what his basic chord structure was, he wouldn't (and couldn't) tell me, explaining that "I don't notes like C and G or whatever, I just play". Not only that, but when I tried watching his fingers to see what was going on, he purposely turned his back to me and told me to "Just play whatever".

    After that we had pretty much had it and told him it wasn't going to work out, at which point he got extremely defensive and start talking about how we sucked at improvising and how his old band just played whatever they felt like and didn't have all these "rules". Our departing singer / guitar player had to drive the guy home.

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