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Post your old/current stupid/embarassing LYRICS

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Bard2dbone, Aug 4, 2012.

  1. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    I was having a discussion with a co-worker that eventually worked its way around to just how lame and bizarre the things we have to sing in public can be. (ZZ Top - Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers, anyone?) when it occurred to me that I had even stranger examples handy...from originals.

    So I invite you all to post the lamest/oddest/goofyest lyrics you/your band have ever done in public. Bonus points for songs you helped create.

    To start off I will shamefully admit to parts of one of our originals from back in the day. In my defense, I was trying to be as much like Zappa as I could when we wrote this one. So each verse would start with several slips of paper with individual words on them dumped out of a bowl onto the table. And I had to use the phrase that came out, somehow. Mostly they were pretty darned odd.

    Iowa Surfers (excerpts)

    The surfers from Iowa in the arctic heat
    Wear shaggy toupees on their blue painted feet
    They're running from a penguin with a bad attitude
    A pissed off penguin: Man. That's generally rude.
    But that penguin...the angry swimming avian...
    has got a chainsaw
    How does he work it without thumbs!?!

    (guitar solo)

    A man-eating hotdog in a green limousine
    threw me a baseball bat and said just one thing
    Play heiroglyphic hopscotch with both feet tied behind your head
    Until you pass out in a blues bar
    At least I think that's what he said.

    At times there were MANY other verses, depending on the audience. If they were up on their feet and partying, I'd keep making new ones up. If not, then probably these two and one that was usually in between about a bar that hired the Sirens of Greek mythology to lure in customers. I'm not sure I remember how that one went. But it started from joking about a Dallas Observer article about a vocalist friend of ours that referred to her as a 'Blues siren'.
  2. Jordan S.

    Jordan S.

    Mar 25, 2012
    NSW, Australia
    Blacksheep Effects Pedals
    Haha, this tread has the potential to be VERY entertaining. sub'd.
  3. The Owl

    The Owl

    Aug 14, 2005
    Atlanta GA
    From about 1987


    By the kitchen

    In the back room

    To wrestle with a large cat

    Look for raw materials

    To feed your--

    Raw materials to feed your inner and outermost desires

    And those aspects of yourself which you thought you can;t control

    But always had control of anyway

    So there!

    Go out in the rainstorm

    Caress the car

    Drive through the wall

    Find yourself on an island

    An island where--

    An island where you don;t have to worry

    About anything you may have said or done in the last 10 years

    That could possibly offend some non-existent religious group or political agency

    Let me by

    Let me down

    Let me Upstairs

    Look in the mirror you see the devil

    Look at other people you see enemies

    Look at yourself and you see


    I'm a friend of an enemy

    Of the state in which I live

    It's a place I call Upstairs

    Don't shut the door!

    Let me by

    Let me down

    Let me Upstairs
  4. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    I love my sister's Barbie doll.
    But Barbie's such a tease.
    She pretends she doesn't notice...
    but guys like me have needs.

    I love her nylon blonde hair...
    and her painted-on blue eyes.
    I must admit I am turned on
    by Barbie's plastic thighs

    I love a Barbie doll
    A little Barbie doll.

    Argh! I'm so jealous of him!
    What do they do when that toybox is shut?
    I'm so jealous of Ken.
    I want to kick his little plastic butt.

    I love a Barbie doll
    A little Barbie doll.

    Barbie lives in my dreams.
    I wake up in a sweat.
    Thinking about what we just did.
    on the hood of her pink 'Vette.

    If she would stop teasing
    flashing smiles and curls
    I know that I could be God's gift
    to little plastic...women.

    I love a Barbie doll
    A little Barbie doll
    I love a Barbie Doll
    A little Barbie doll.
    I love a Barbie doll

    Somewhat needless to say, we never came to the attention of Mattel's lawyers. If we had, either this song would have been retired like I wanted. Or it would have been re-written to something less Mattel-offensive, and hopefully less Me-embarassing.
  5. TomA1234


    Jul 27, 2009
    Fareham, England
    My god, that was hilarious, it'll take quite something to top that. :D
  6. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    I wrote it as a joke, just to prove to the smart-asses in the band that I could write something that wasn't dark. John, the guitarist, said "A typical Wayne song is six minutes long and someone dies at the end." Once I'd done it and showed them, I never wanted to sing it again. Of course it became our most requested song.
  7. jive1

    jive1 Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    One of our most requested songs from my old Blues Band, Smokin Tweed - Chicken Man. It was written as a joke, and we wound up playing it at every show. Even had some hotties come up with a dance for it.

    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I like it extra crispy, or original recipe

    I love my chicken, tell the world I do
    I love my chicken, tell the world I do
    I'll eat it baked, fried, boiled, especially barbecue

    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I like it extra crispy, or original recipe

    Guitar solo that sounded like a Chicken clucking

    Breakdown with a little dialogue:
    Hey AJ, what piece of chicken do you like best?
    Man, I like the legs.
    Yo, Jong, what kind of chicken do you like?
    I like me some juicy thighs
    How bout you Jeff, what chicken you like?
    I like some big fat breasts

    If you was my chicken, girl I'd chop off your head
    If you was my chicken, girl I'd chop off your head
    And cook you up for dinner, with some beans and corn bread

    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
    I like it extra crispy, or original recipe
  8. Bacon,Lettuce, Tomato
    and cream of reuben soup
    I ask you if you're kidding
    and you answer "yes but who?"
    You're the diner girl of my dreams
    of my dreams
    You're the diner girl of my dreams
    Service when I want it
    and always with a smile
    I plan to drink my milkshake
    and to watch you for a while.
    You're the diner girl of my dreams.
    Eyes of coal and skin of ivory
    a doily in your hair
    That black and white uniform
    is the only thing you wear
    You're the diner girl of my dreams.
  9. JumboJack


    Dec 31, 2007
    I was in a band a long,long time ago... Someone had a song with the verse...

    I was one for breakin' hearts and tellin' lies'
    No woman could resist my alibies...

    It has stuck with me all these years...
  10. This thread is going to be awesome. I'm already laughing my ass off.
  11. BelleNoireBass


    Apr 18, 2012
    Bay Area
    Oh I'm going to have something to contribute to this hopefully when I get home.
  12. Mister Tumbleweed by Fist Full of Cool, circa 1987:

    Ridin into town on a black-eyed horse
    Mr Tumbleweed- he is the worst
    Gets all the women in this here town
    Stores all the gold on the other side of town

    I said
    Ooooooooh yeah
    Mr Tumbleweed is the baddest man in town


    Oooooh yeah
    He gets all the p***y and he never wears a frown
  13. The rhythm guitarist and I are the song-writers for our band, so most of our songs are a joint effort, but this one was by me and our drummer.


    verse 1:
    My sinuses clear
    Whenever you're near
    I just can't sneeze around you
    All the allergens fade
    I've really got it made
    I just can't sneeze around you

    Anytime you come by, my nostrils are dry
    It's the nicest thing about you
    I just can't sneeze around you

    verse 2:
    If we're together all day
    I throw my tissues away
    I just can't sneeze around you
    I don't need no pills
    'Cause I've got no ills
    I just can't sneeze around you

    Anytime you come by, my nostrils are dry
    It's the nicest thing about you
    I just can't sneeze around you

    But then anytime you're gone
    Those pesky sniffles come along
    Baby I wish that you would see
    You're more than just Tylenol to me
  14. TypicalBassist


    Aug 7, 2012
    "What, what, In the butt! Let's gooo..". e.e"
  15. Due to the popularity of movie adaptions of Battleship, Transformers, etc, we decided to write an all-purpose theme song for any of those.

    We were walking hand-in hand
    As we strolled through Candy Land
    Suddenly you sprung your Mousetrap
    Turned to me and snapped:

    Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x8)

    I felt like your little Whack-a-mole
    Without you I don't feel whole
    Through my heart, someone stabbed me
    You, with the knife, in the Conservatory

    Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x8)

    You really need to get a grip
    Tried so hard to sink my Battleship
    Now I have one final wish
    Jump off a cliff and go fish!

    Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x32)
  16. A couple of years ago I wrote a song called Pancake Land. It was more of a joke than anything, and we never played it at gigs. Then it came time for our cd release, and I had the idea to save all of our silly songs for the encore.

    Encore time comes, we open it with Pancake Land, and everyone goes nuts. The lyrics are "going to pancake land". That's it. And everyone loved it.

    Eventually we record it, and people love it. Our friend asks us to play his wedding? The one song we had people constantly requesting at the wedding was Pancake Land (people went so far as writing it on napkins and begging us to play it).

    We open for William Shatner at a comic expo? Obviously we have to play the Star Trek theme, only nothing sounds right. Solution? Pancake Land with a Star Trek solo. Crowd loves it. Next comic expo, LeVar Burton is there. Same thing, only this time with the theme from Reading Rainbow.

    Pancake Land bailed us out of so many situations, and every single time we have ever played it was either a joke because the song is silly, or out of necessity in a medley.
  17. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    I had a one-off gig with members of several bands from my old group of friends. So there were members from The Neighbors, Lolita Gray, Fuzzy Logic, and Mighty Joe Young.

    So mixing indie, dance, punk, and bluesy psychedelia, it's probably not surprising that we didn't all know many of the same songs. But we had 50-75% coverage of several and were faking it fairly well.

    Then someone asked Scot, from Lolita Gray to do one of their songs, which no one else knew. And they even handed him the props that went with it. He quickly showed the rest of us the song. It was basically a I IV V and our lyrics consisted entirely of 'You can read it in the headlines. You can read it in the hea-ead- lines.' In between our repeated lines, Scot would pretend to be reading the paper and would "read" one of the headlines. Except it was a real newspaper and his lines weren't: "Headless body found in topless bar" 'You can read it in the headlines' "I was Bigfoot's love child." 'You can read it in the hea-eadlines.' "Four out of five doctors disagree" 'You can read it in the headlines'...

    You get the idea.
  18. the wako kid

    the wako kid

    May 11, 2011
    A song I wrote over a beatiful acoustic ballad.

    never took any hits from the bong
    I was ****ing sober when I wrote this song
    never really learnedhow to play guitar
    I only learned enough chords to get this far

    never intended to make a lot of money
    but all the girls think that my songs are funny
    never really thought of how I'd write the chorus
    but I'll kick you like chuck norris

    this song totally sucks
    but and I dont really give a ****

    I know this song isn't that creative
    Idon't see why youre so negative[pronounced negaytive]
    I know I pronounced it wrong
    I don't give a ****,its a terrible song

    every time I strum the strings
    girls want to do nasty things
    get them into bed
    and make them give me ****


    this song just got really dirty
    but youll be a virgin until youre 30
    I got laid in elementary school
    none of the ladies think youre cool

    I dont care if the lyirics are violent
    I'm gonna play it anyway
    I don't give a **** what those bitches have to say
    they can try to pull us off stage
    but I will punch them in the face with rage
    like "get away from me bitch,
    "just go die in a ditch"
    this song could never end
    but I've got to go **** my girlfriend
    so I'mjust going to end it here
    cuz we all know youre a queer

    (fade on chorus)

    me and my guitarist were in a very silly mood when we wrote it,and we used our freestyle rap battle skills to write the most offensive song possible.needless to say,weve gotten a lotof laughs the couple times we played it.
  19. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    A local band that I saw at a rave (Remember those?) had one crowd participation song that I wish I'd come up with. It was called "You're so @#$%ing great. But I suck."

    The best part was that the singer wouldn't actually sing that line. He'd pick someone out of the audience and point the mic at him. And audience guy would do that line four or eight times in quick succession.
  20. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX
    Just to get this thread back up near the top, I'll add in that the lyrics in question don't have to be from originals. Post any lyrics that you heard and thought 'Seriously? We have to sing THAT?'

    For examples:

    We are currently doing 'Good Morning Little Schoolgirl' which has lyrics that make me wonder if Chris Hanson will meet us with a camera crew as we try to leave practice. and 'Beer Drinkers And Hell Raisers, for which I suspect We will be forced to take a neurological evaluation for Broca's aphasia (translation for the non-medical: a condition common with some kinds of stroke that makes you speak gibberish when you think you are speaking clearly; You say. 'I can't tell what you're saying.' and the people in the room around you hear your voice say "I can't scrunch the splendifference." that kind of thing)

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