Priceless...

Got this one in the mail yesterday, wanted to share it with everyone...


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room..

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies.."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.


"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the
family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny little foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.


"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Summary:
2 - Hamsters - $10
1 - Cage - $20
Trip to the Vet - $30 ...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

 

Well, actually I just passed it along, it wasn't me!

Giving your "sick" hamster his privacy is a good idea though, I don't think helping with the "breech birth" is something I would recommend.

She is, even though it isn't her in the story either. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until she was gone. Oh well, I learned a lesson there, hm?