Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Gard, Jul 14, 2003.

  1. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    Got this one in the mail yesterday, wanted to share it with everyone...

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
    including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
    have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room..

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

    "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
    his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
    stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
    the hamster!"

    "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies.."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
    didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
    inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
    loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
    informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the
    family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
    make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
    about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
    tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
    she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny little foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
    appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
    appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
    times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
    talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
    my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
    son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
    be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
    this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
    I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
    to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
    fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."


    "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
    maturity, like most male species, they Just the
    way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
    know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
    Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
    I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

    "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
    little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
    bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
    everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - Hamsters - $10
    1 - Cage - $20
    Trip to the Vet - $30 ...
    Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!
  2. PICK


    Jan 27, 2002
    Sydney, Australia
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :D :D :D
  3. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
  4. Brendan


    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    That crossed the line of too much information, then crossed back into funny.

  5. James Hart

    James Hart

    Feb 1, 2002
    Endorsing Artist: see profile
  6. Why thank you Gard - this is the first story in a while that has had me in tears and not knowing if I'll draw breath again! :D :D
  7. That was great man...

    you're a good story teller.

    Thanks though,now I know if my hamster looks "sick" I'll put a towel over the cage and let him have his privacy:p

    haha...oh boy.

    your wife seems to be a keeper;)

  8. umm guys, did you not see where he said "got this in the mail, wanted to share it with everyone"

    it didnt happen to him! he was just gracious enough to share it :D
  9. Yogi Bear

    Yogi Bear Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2000
  10. Jonesy4fnk

    Jonesy4fnk Supporting Member

    now that's funny.

    thanks for sharing that one.

    I wonder if Bert's jealous.
  11. Nino Valenti

    Nino Valenti Supporting Member Commercial User

    Feb 2, 2001
    Staten Island NYC
    Builder: Valenti Basses
    hahahahahahahahahha!!!!!! i REALLY NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH. TAHNKS
  13. Nick man

    Nick man

    Apr 7, 2002
    Tampa Bay
    Talkbass: Where bassist come to talk about things that would get them laughed at anywhere else.


    That was truly amazing.

  14. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    Well, actually I just passed it along, it wasn't me! :eek:

    Giving your "sick" hamster his privacy is a good idea though, I don't think helping with the "breech birth" is something I would recommend.

    She is, even though it isn't her in the story either. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until she was gone. :( Oh well, I learned a lesson there, hm?
  15. :( ouch, sorry to hear that man
  16. Mike Money

    Mike Money Banned

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    ha ha ha ha ha ha... hamster wanker... that freak
  17. Razor


    Sep 22, 2002
    That was hilarious...thanks!
    Anyone know best way to get Pepsi off of the computer screen??:D