Hello everybody, I'm Sean Gallagher, but you might know me better as SpankBass on the popular web forum Talkbass.com. Normally I'm a funny guy, but today, I need to talk to you about something serious. My topic is proper etiquette when coming to watch movies, especially during these busy holidays. As some of you may remember, I made a similar thread some time back, but I have since been promoted to a manager, so I will be hating you from that perspective. All you have yo do is read through this simple list and there is a possibility that you can reduce your "dumbassness" by at least 25%! -READ THE GOD DAMN NEWSPAPER! Its a wonderful source of news, entertainment, and underwear ads, plus it has our show times. There is not much I can do when you just show up and expect the movie you want to be playing. Also, I REALLY would like to know why we get these kinds of messages on our business line daily: "Uhh...hello? .....I dunno honey I think its the answering machine...Uhh my name is George, I'd like to know the show times, please call me back at 555-5555" (name and number changed to protect the innocent) The only place that our business number can be found is in the newspaper where it is clearly labeled "Business number" and the phonebook where it is also clearly labeled "Bussiness number. So this puzzles me, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING FOR SHOWTIMES WHEN THEY ARE RIGHT NEXT TO THE NUMBER YOU JUST CALLED????? -The customer is rarely right, we just have to "pretend" they are right in order to get more money, that is what that saying "The customer is always right" means. That is pretty insulting isn't it? So why to customers come up to me and when I don't give them what they want, they tell me "The customer is always right!" Do they even realize that they are insulting themselves when they say that? I want to say something like "So you are admitting that you are wrong, but you want me to just 'pretend' that you are right?" -You don't know how to run this business. So please understand that I am trying my hardest not to roll my eyes when you lecture me about how much money we are going to loose because we: -Don't let people bring in their outside food (figure that one out) -Don't let parents buy tickets for their 11 year olds to see Jackass or other raunchy films and not go in themselves. -Don't carry Goobers or Junion Mints. -Don't carry: (insert obscure independant film) -Stopped carrying: (insert terrible film that no one ever buys for after the first week) -Don't have seats that lean back. -Don't give discounts for AAA members. -Don't offer Pizza -Offer Mr. Pibb instead of Dr. Pepper. -Play (movie) at this (time) instead of this (time). The latter time is often the time that the customer decided to show up (read the "READ THE GOD DAMN NEWSPAPER") -Don't take other companies passes (I'm not kidding.) -You do NOT know what false advertising actually means. You only know what you've heard on TV, and you think that false advertising = get lots of money. So you think that because we put "Hot Dogs - $3.50" we should be giving more that one hotdog for 3.50, right? And I bet you were pretty disapointed when you only got one hot dog, right? So I bet you marched straight the the manager (me), who at first thought you were joking, and explained your situation (making sure to use words like "outraged" and raising your voice), and ending your story by saying "That's FALSE ADVERTISING, I can SUE!" And I bet you have no idea what the hell you are talking about, do you? Sure, you can go ahead and hire a lawyer ($$$) and go to court against our big mean corporate legal team with your outrageous claim. Because even if you do win, you know what you are going to get? $3.50 for the hotdog we promised you on our menu board. -The world does not revolve around you. That means, that yes, you DO have to wait in line to get a refill! Outrageous, I know. And that also means that if you are near deaf, we are not going to turn up the volume to the extremes for you and make it unbearable for othe customers. When its the 5th time you have been out complaining about the sound being too low, and we are saying things like "oh, well we have these headphones that allow you to hear it better," we are actually trying to say "HEY DUMBASS, YOU ARE DEAF! PUT ON THE GOD DAMN HEADPHONES AND STOP BOTHERING ME SO I CAN READ MY MAGAZINE (The Onion, Ad Naseum)!" -You know how kids will go ask their mom for a cookie, and she says no, so they go and ask their dad hoping he will say yes? Don't you hate that? I do too. So you understand why I will probably kill you in this situation: Customer: "I was in the movies last week, and some kids were kicking the back of my chair and talking loudly, and I'm not one who likes to complain, can we get free passes." Me: "No." Customer: "I want to talk to a manager!" Me: "(looks at my suit and tie) I am a manager." Customer: "I want to talk to another manager!" Me: "They will tell you the same thing." Customer: "Then I want to talk to your boss!" Me: "Sure, I'll get him for you" My Boss: "What can I do for you?" Customer: "(explains situation, embellishes story from last time, and makes sure to call me rude." My Boss: "No." Customer: "Then I want to talk to your boss!" This goes on and on until they finally leave with a biting "I'm never coming HERE again!" Ouch. -If you are a scam artist, please do your job right. I would think that scam artists would be smooth and find good holes to exploit, but no, they all have the same intellegence as a doorknob. And not one of those fancy "lockable" ones either. A good example of this is when a family came up to me and claimed that they had bought their tickets, but accidently through them away at McDonalds. At first I was giving them the benefit of the doubt and I asked them what movie it was. The man then took a step back, looked at out marquee, pondered for a second, and said "Matrix, no Brother Bear." After that stunt, I told him NO. He argued with me for awhile to a point where I was going to just let him in, but then his daughter came up and asked "Are we going to be able to watch Looney Tunes?" I told the man to leave after that. -And finally, if you do have a complaint that is VALID, I WILL do something about it! Once you have made your point, you don't have to repeat it 5 times! Or insist that you want to watch me carry out the action (like diciplining an employee). But odds are, you don't have a valid complaint, I just have to "pretend" you do. Its late, I might add more some other time. Good night.